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| Posted by Christian t. Rios on 13-Aug-2005 | Holiday Controversy
CONTROVERSY: Should the tree be real or fake?
YUPPIE: Live tree, planted after use
MALE: Fake tree, discarded after use
FEMALE: Grow tree in house, adorned with fruits
REALITY: Fake tree stays up until May, adorned with fur-balls
CONTROVERSY: Should tree lights twinkle or stay constant?
YUPPIE: Each bulb blinks to its own random rhythm
MALE: Bulbs flash logo of football team
FEMALE: Elegant flickering candles
REALITY: Tree bursts into flames, burns house down
CONTROVERSY: Should tree be topped with an angel or a star?
YUPPIE: Gender-neutral angel; no submissive female stereotype
MALE: Blonde angel, kneeling, in a wet T-shirt
FEMALE: Authentic angel explains true meaning of Christmas
REALITY: Hell's Angel steals the tree and the gifts
CONTROVERSY: Do ya fling or hang tinsel?
YUPPIE: Empower each strand w/self-determining skills
MALE: Six large clumps of tinsel on front of tree
FEMALE: Each icicle hangs like strand of delicate artwork
REALITY: More icicles on floor than on tree
CONTROVERSY: Do ya open gifts on Christmas Eve or morning?
YUPPIE: Gifts opened on posted, individual schedules so all
enjoy surprise
MALE: Anytime, just so it doesn't interfere with football
FEMALE: Anytime the entire family is present
REALITY: Doesn't matter, everyone's peeked anyway
CONTROVERSY: Ham or Turkey for Christmas Dinner
YUPPIE: Baked Tofu Balls stuffed with wheat germ
MALE: Anything, as long as there's plenty of both it - and beer
FEMALE: A meal the entire family plans and prepares
REALITY: Chinese carry-out or McDonald's
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| Posted by Kendr Reneah on 13-Aug-2005 | Elf Pick-up Lines"You know, I could get you off Santa's 'naughty' list!"
"I can eat my weight in cocktail frankfurters!"
"I used to be Brad Pitt's lawn ornament."
"Hey! I'm down here!"
"Hey, baby, I bet you'd look terrific in a Raggedy Ann wig!"
"I get a thimbleful of tequila into me and I turn into a wild man!"
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| Posted by Crazy Girl on 13-Aug-2005 | Psychological Christmas SongsSCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Queens Disoriented Are.
DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.
NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)
MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town ...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!
PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.
OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell....
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.
PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).
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| Posted by Cody G. Jackson on 13-Aug-2005 | Bush Sues Santa
Just in off the AP wire...
BUSH SUES SANTA
AUSTIN, TX - Dec.15 - Attorneys for Texas Governor George W. Bush filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh.
The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas, asks a federal judge to "hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as submitted, without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification."
"There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It's totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check? This checking, checking, and re-checking over and over again must stop now," said former Secretary James Baker.
Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf remove all boys named Brad from the "nice" list, filing them under "naughty" instead because "everyone knows all boys named Brad are brats."
Gov. Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, and blasted what he called the "fuzzy math up there at the North Pole."
"Their security is really awful, really bad," said Bush. "My mother just walked right in, told 'em she was Mrs. Claus. They didn't check her ID or nothing."
Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, Gov. Bush's running mate, issued a direct plea to St. Nick himself. "Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing, and quit checking your list. The children of the world have had enough. They demand closure now," Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has already selected a name for the pony that she's asked for.
Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but a spokes-elf said he was "deeply distressed" by news of the pending legal action against him. "He's losing weight, and he hasn't said 'Ho Ho Ho' for days," said the spokes-elf. "He's just not feeling jolly."
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():holiday jokes (333): You Know You've Had Too Much New Year's Cheer When.... |
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| Posted by The Almighty Gino on 13-Aug-2005 | You Know You've Had Too Much New Year's Cheer When....You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.
You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
You strike a match and light your nose.
You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"
You hear a duck quacking and it's you.
You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.
Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.
You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
You tell everyone you have to go home...and the party's at your place.
You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
You yawn at the biggest bore in the room...and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.
You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
You're at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan.
You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
You realize you're the only one under the coffee table.
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| Posted by Chez Bez on 13-Aug-2005 | Christmas Quickies
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?
It's Christmas, Eve !
How do you make an idiot laugh on boxing day ?
Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve !
What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month ?
The letter "D" !
What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney ?
Santa Claustrophobia !
What disasters could happen if you dropped the Christmas turkey ?
The downfall of Turkey, the breakup of China and the otherthrow of Greece !
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas ?
Santa Jaws !
How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed ?
You wake up wet !
What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert ?
Lost !
Whats ice ?
Skid Stuff!
Where do snowmen go to dance ?
Snowballs !
How do snowmen travel around ?
By iceicle !
What sort of ball doesn't bounce ?
A snowball !
What did the guest sing at the Eskimo's Christmas party ?
Freeze a jolly fellow !
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