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():other funny jokes (4827): Horoscopes by Adam Sandler


Posted by Mogs on 12-Aug-2005

Horoscopes by Adam Sandler

Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) - You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

Aries (Mar 23 - April 22) - You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

Taurus (April 23 - May 22) - You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.

Gemini (May 23 - June 22) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 23 - July 22) - You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) - You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) - You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) - You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) - You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22) - You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. You are a worthless piece of shit.

Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22) - You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance.
   

4 people have rated this joke:
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():other funny jokes (4827): Limerick: Getting Old


Posted by Eeyore on 13-Aug-2005

Limerick: Getting Old

Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent.
From my purchase this chap took off ten percent.
I asked for the cause of a lesser amount;
And he answered, "Because of the Seniors' Discount."

I went to McDonald's for a burger and fries;
And there, once again, got quite a surprise.
The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me.
He said, "For you, Seniors, the coffee is free."

Understand -- I'm not old -- I'm merely mature;
But some things are changing, temporarily, I'm sure.
The newspaper print gets smaller each day,
And people speak softer -- can't hear what they say.

My teeth are my own (I have the receipt).
And my glasses identify people I meet.
Oh, I've slowed down a bit ... not a lot, I am sure.
You see, I'm not old ... I'm only mature.

The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun.
You should see all the damage that chlorine has done.
Washing my hair has turned it all white,
But don't call it grey ... saying "blonde" is just right.

My car is all paid for ... not a nickel is owed.
Yet a kid yells, "Old duffer ... get off of the road!"
My car has no scratches ... not even a dent.
Still I get all that guff from a punk who's "Hell bent."

My friends all get older ... much faster than me.
They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see.
I've got "character lines," not wrinkles ... for sure,
But don't call me old ... just call me mature.

The steps in the houses they're building today
Are so high that they take ... your breath all away;
And the streets are much steeper than ten years ago.
That should explain why my walking is slow.

But I'm keeping up on what's hip and what's new,
And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo.
I'm still in the running ... in this I'm secure,
I'm not really old ... I'm only mature


   

1 people have rated this joke:
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():other funny jokes (4827): Sunday Morning Sex


Posted by Angel~Baby on 14-Aug-2005

Sunday Morning Sex



Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied:
"He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along,"
   

1 people have rated this joke:
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():other funny jokes (4827): Friends are like wedgies


Posted by Robert T. on 13-Aug-2005

Friends are like wedgies

Friends are like wedgies...
They know your inner self,
They're intimately close,
And it feels great when you pick out a good one!


   

31 people have rated this joke:
7.94/10
     

():other funny jokes (4827): Fish


Posted by Phil McRak on 10-Aug-2005
Fish
Q: What did the fish say when he ran into the wall?
A: Dam.
   

5 people have rated this joke:
7.80/10
     

():other funny jokes (4827): Little Indian


Posted by Insults -r- us on 14-Aug-2005
Little Indian
A young indian wants to learn how indians get their names so he
goes to chief sitting bull and asks him,
"Where do we get our names ?" to which the chief replies, "When
child is born chief go out of teepee and first thing chief sees
child named. If chief sees swooping hawk child named swooping
hawk, if chief sees a running bear then child named running
bear, so tell me Two Dogs Fucking why do u ask?"

   

2 people have rated this joke:
7.50/10
     

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