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| Posted by ANGEL D. HUDSON on 14-Aug-2005 | HoroscopesAquarius
There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the
back of a speeding bus. Fill that void in your pathetic life by
playing Whack-A-Mole 17 hours a day.
Pieces
They to avoid any Virgo's or Leo's with the Ebola virus. You
are the true "Lord of the Dance" no matter what those idiots at
work say.
Aires
The look on your face will be priceless when you find that 40
pound watermelon in your colon. Trade toothbrushes with an
albino dwarf and give a hickey to Meryl Streep.
Taurus
You will never find true happiness. What're you gonna do? Cry
about it? The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch
of stuff, and then go back to sleep.
Gemini
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive
flatulence. Your love life will run into trouble when your
fiancee hurls a javelin through your chest.
Cancer
The position of Jupiter says that you should spend the rest of
the week face down in the mud. Try not to shove a roll of duct
tape up your nose while taking your driving test.
Leo
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to
your boss' face. Eat a bucket of tuna flavored Jell-O, and wash
it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik.
Virgo
All Virgo's are extremely friendly and intelligent- except for
you. Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your
head impaled upon a stick.
Libra
A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more
talented than you. Laughter is the very best medicine. Remember
that when your appendix bursts next week.
Scorpio
Be ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an
open window. Work a little bit harder on improving your low
self-esteem, you stupid freak.
Sagittarius
All your friends are laughing behind your back. Kill them.
Take down all those naked pictures of fat old women you've got
hanging in your den.
Capricorn
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person,but
you know they're lying. If I were you, I'd lock my doors and
windows and never ever,ever, ever, ever leave my house again.
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| Posted by geoff bauer on 14-Aug-2005 | Top Four Wacky Warning Lables1. On a set of shin pads: pads do not protect areas they don't
cover. (Obviously)
2. On a public toilet: Recycled flush water is unsafe to drink.
(Now, that's just nasty)
3. On an electrical router: this product not intended for a
dental drill. (I think my dentist has one of those)
4. On a novelty rock set called popcorn rock: eating rocks may
cause loss of or chipped teeth. (This one is self explanatory)
[IDIOTS]
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| Posted by Me on 14-Aug-2005 | Genuine letters sent to LandlordsThe following are genuine letters sent to landlords...
1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until
it is cleared.
2. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the
man next door.
3. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and
burnt my knob off.
4. The toilet seat is cracked: where do i stand
5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from
the wall.
6. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and
would like a third, so will you please send someone to do
something about it.
7. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
8. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three
pieces.
9. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden,
which is unsightly and dangerous.
10. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk.
Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
11. Will you please send someone to look at my water, it is a
funny colour and not fit to drink.
12. When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's
new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to
finish the job and keep my wife happy.
13. Will you please send someone to mend my downspout. i am an
old age pensioner and need it straight away.
14. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife
got her toe stuck in it and its very uncomfortable for us.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every
morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.
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| Posted by churchboybrian on 14-Aug-2005 | Have in CommonWhat do lawyers, McDonalds hamburgers, election promises, and a
Johnny-on-the-Spot have in common?
They're all loaded with shit.
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| Posted by The Rat on 07-Aug-2005 | The first 90% of the job takes 90% of the...The first 90% of the job takes 90% of the time.
The last 10% takes the other 90%.
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| Posted by K9mom on 07-Aug-2005 | You know you have problems when the barber...You know you have problems when the barber has a USMC tattoo on his arm.
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