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| Posted by Mandy O. on 09-Aug-2005 | Horse tripA woman passenger in a horse-drawn cab has offered the driver a large tip if he can deliver her to her destination in a hurry.
However, she is horrified at the cruel whipping the driver is giving the horse to make him go faster.
"My good man, is there no other way you could urge the horse along?" she asks.
"Yessum," the cab driver cheerfully replies, "but, I've got to save his balls for the hill!"
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| Posted by Sam J. Wasserman on 13-Aug-2005 | Popular NedBill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon to get lunch. Bill orders and the cashier gives him his meal. Ned goes up to order and the cashier greets him with "Hello Ned! How are you? Hey everybody! Ned's here!" Everybody in the restaurant comes up and says hello to Ned. After everyone has greeted him, Bill and Ned sit down and begin to eat.
"Ned, you're pretty popular!" says Bill.
"I'm the most popular man in the world," says Ned.
"Now Ned," says Bill, you're pretty popular but you're not the most popular man in the world."
"Oh yeah," Ned replies "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I'm friends with anybody you can name!"
"That so?" answers Bill, "How about the president of the United States?"
"Let's go!" says Ned.
The two fly to Washington and knock on the front door of the White House. The president answers, "Ned! How are you doing? I haven't seen you in ages!" The three go play a round of golf and then leave.
"That was luck!" says Bill, "Two thousand says your not friends with the Queen of England!"
"Let's go!" says Ned.
The two fly to Buckingham Palace and, sure enough, are greeted by the Queen. ''Hello Ned my boy! What have you been up to these days?" They enter the palace and have some tea and leave.
Frustrated, Bill says, "Double or nothing, you don't know the Pope!"
Ned says, "Let's go!"
When they get to the Vatican, Ned instructs Bill to wait outside and Ned will come out on the balcony with his arm around the Pope. After a while, a crowd gathers to hear the Pope speak. And as told by Ned, when the Pope came out, Ned's arm was wrapped around him. Ned looks down from the balcony and see's Bill passed out on the ground. He rushes down and wakes him up.
"Bill! Bill! Wake up!"
Bill opens his eyes and says, "Ned. You're the most popular man in the world."
"I told you that, Bill," says Ned, "but you didn't faint when I knew the President! You didn't faint when I knew the Queen!"
"I could almost take it that you knew the Pope," says Bill. "But I just couldn't take it when the guy next to me tapped me on the shoulder and said "Who's that up there with Ned?"
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| Posted by johnny pettengill on 13-Aug-2005 | Company cost cuttingNew Corporate Cost-Cutting Policy Due to the current financial situation, changes will be made to the Business Travel standards and Procedures Manual. Effective Monday the following revised procedures apply:
Lodging All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on business travel. If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations, and office lobbies may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.
Transportation Hitchhiking is the preferred mode of travel in lieu of commercial transport. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on business trips. Bus transportation will be used only when work schedules require such travel. Airline tickets will be authorized in extreme circumstances and the lowest fares will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in Seattle, but the lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle.
Meals Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery and specialty chains, such as Hickory Farms, General Nutrition centers, and, Costco, Sams stores etc. often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also be familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destinations. If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should use "all you can eat" salad bars. This is especially effective for employees traveling together as one plate can be used to feed the entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food on business travel. Cans of tuna fish, Spam, and Beefaroni can be consumed at your leisure without the necessary bother of heating or costly preparation.
Miscellaneous All employees are encouraged to devise innovative techniques in effort to save company dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover periods which could be used to defray travel expenses. In support of this idea, red caps will be issued to all employees prior to their departure so that they may earn tips by helping others with their luggage. Small plastic roses and ball point pens will also be available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits.
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| Posted by Bob LobLaw on 13-Aug-2005 | Arline Quotes'Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it's dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y'all wanna go there I really don't know.'
Pilot - 'Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.'
Pilot - 'Folks, if you were with us last week, we never got around to mentioning that it was National Procrastination day. If you get a chance this week, please try to celebrate it. If you can't get to it, then maybe try to do it at the weekend, but no big rush. Have a nice day.'
And, after landing: 'Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.'
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a, 'Thanks for flying XYZ airline.' He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, 'Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?' 'Why no M'am,' said the pilot, 'what is it?' The little old lady said, 'Did we land or were we shot down?'
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please, remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'
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| Posted by Cyberventurer on 13-Aug-2005 | AirlinesA Delta Airlines pilot was badly embarrassed about the a particularly rough landing. He was reluctantly fulfilling company policy that required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited. Nevertheless he stood there and gave each person a smile, and said: 'Thanks for flying Delta.'
He had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, awaiting that inevitable harsh comment on the landing, which by extension would impugn his professional skills and probably his manhood as well.
There were fewer smiles than normal, but no comments. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, 'Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?'
'Why no M'am,' said the pilot, 'what is it?'
The little old lady said, 'Did we just land or were we shot down?'
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| Posted by Justin R. Timberlake on 13-Aug-2005 | Fun at the airportDuring the 'rush hour' at Houston's Hobby Airport, my flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it.
We were then told the new gate number, which was some distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find that a third gate had been designated for us. After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as we were settling in, the flight attendant made the standard announcement,
'We apologize for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should 'deplane' at this time.'
A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. 'Sorry,' he said, 'wrong plane.'
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