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():sport jokes (950): How Golf is like Urinating in a Public Restroom |
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| Posted by tanisha on 10-Aug-2005 | How Golf is like Urinating in a Public Restroom10. Keep your back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder
width apart.
9. Form a loose grip.
8. Keep your head down.
7. Avoid a quick backswing.
6. Stay out of the water.
5. Try not to hit anybody.
4. If you are taking too long, you should let others go
ahead of you.
3. You shouldn't stand directly in front of others.
2. Be quiet while others are about to go.
1. Keep strokes to a minimum.
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| Posted by _Bambi_ on 10-Aug-2005 | Golf GenieA husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf, were
about to tee off on the third hole, which was lined with
beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began
to slice - her shot was headed directly at a very large
plate glass window. Much to her surprise, the ball smashed
through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.
They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove
off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the
house, they found no one there. The husband called out and
no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a
small gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his
head.
The wife asked the man, "Do you live here?"
"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked
over the vase you see there, freeing me from that little
bottle. I am so grateful!" he answered.
The wife asked, "Are you a genie?"
"Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant
you two wishes, and the third I will keep for myself," the
man replied.
The husband and wife agreed on two wishes - one was for a
scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily
agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year
forever.
The genie nodded his head and said, "Done!"
The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my
way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many
years, and after all, I made you a scratch golfer and a
millionaire."
The husband and wife agreed.
After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the
wife, "How long have you been married?"
To which she responded, "Three years."
The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"
To which she replied, "31 years old"
The genie then asked, "And how long has he believed in this
genie crap?"
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| Posted by Andrew Jameson on 10-Aug-2005 | Bullfight BuffetA man goes to Spain and attends a bullfight. Afterwards he
goes to a nearby restaurant and orders the specialty of the
day. The waiter brings him two very big balls on a huge
plate, which the tourist eats with relish.
The next day he goes to the same restaurant again, once
again orders the specialty of the day, and he is brought
two very big balls on a huge plate. It tastes even more
scrumptious.
The third day he does the same and the fourth, but on the
fifth day he goes to the restaurant and orders the
specialty of the day, and they bring him two very small
balls on a big plate. The man asks, "What gives?"
And the waiter says, "Senor, the bullfighter doesn't always
win!"
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| Posted by chris d. delis on 10-Aug-2005 | Forgive Me, FatherThis man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he
used the "F-word" over the weekend. The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three
Hail Marys and try to watch your language.
The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word".
The priest sighs and tells him to continue. Well father I played golf on Sunday
with my buddies instead of going to church. The priest says, "And you got upset
over that and swore?" The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the
first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees." The priest said,
"And that's when you swore."
The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No,
it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce
and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a
squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree." The priest asked,
"Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"
The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in
its sharp talons and flew away."
The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"
The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying
squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."
The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the f***ing putt!!!"
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| Posted by Cronic U. Bobinstein on 10-Aug-2005 | Extreme GamesA man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to
Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became
too much and he could go no farther.
He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to
stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of
course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a
piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other
end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn
on his bike and that he would slow down.
Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew
past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the
other. A short distance down the road the Corvettes, both going well over 120
mph, blew through a speed trap.
The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the
other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then
relayed, "...and you're not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10-speed
bike honking to pass."
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| Posted by ANGEL D. HUDSON on 10-Aug-2005 | Sunday GolfThere was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he
could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday
was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky,
and the temperature was just right.
The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play
golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could
not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where
no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.
An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went
to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is
doing."
God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at
the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup
three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed
and excited.
The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your
pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him?!"
God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"
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