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():top list jokes (540): How to Annoy Other People -- or just have fun at the expense of others |
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| Posted by NINER on 14-Aug-2005 | How to Annoy Other People -- or just have fun at the expense of others1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the background color on your email so that all your email correspondence is in green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
16. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
20. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE..
21. type only in lowercase.
22. dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera.
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| Posted by Amy Hakwkins on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 12 Least Scary Stephen King Novels12. The Dustbunnies
11. Balder
10. Bag of Scones
9. Fitful Sleep, Probably Caused by Too Many Anchovies
8. Choirstarter
7. Cujo 2: Yo Quiero Taco Bell
6. The Whining
5. The Tummy-Grumblers
4. Children of the Kornbergs
3. Pet Seminary
2. Carrie-Okie
1. The Mommyknockers
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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| Posted by David G. Romriell on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 11 Side Effects of a Life in Comedy11. Recurring nightmare: as your "Harpo meets Teller" routine is bombing, you realize you're doing a radio show.
10. Social status one small notch above mimes and rodeo clowns.
9. People always asking, "Ooh, do you know Adam Sandler?"
8. Wizenheimer's Syndrome
7. You laugh on the outside, but inside harbor a bitter resentment toward people who have enough money for food.
6. Instead of crow's-feet, you get punchlines.
5. Have to start the day with a couple of quick knock-knock jokes to get rid of "the shakes."
4. The grandkids keep breaking your dentures trying to wind them up.
3. Mom was right: your face *does* freeze that way, after a couple of decades.
2. You live in constant fear that your friends will discover your inflatable Ernie Kovacs doll.
1. Everything tastes funny.
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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| Posted by Gary Sexton on 14-Aug-2005 | Confucius Say . . .Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.
Man who jizz in cash register come into money.
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.
Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.
Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.
Learn to masturbate--come in handy.
Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.
Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.
Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone.
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| Posted by Recai Yalgin on 14-Aug-2005 | Dr. Seuss's Lesser Known Books1. The Cat in the Blender
2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
3. Fox in Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat?
5. Horton Hires a Ho
6. The Flesh-Eating Thorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo--Can You?
9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Fuck Out!
12. Are You My Proctologist?
13. Yentl the Lentil
14. My Pocket Rocket Need A Socket
15. Aunts in My Pants
16. Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff
17. The Grinch's Ten Inches
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 13 Signs You've Hired The Wrong Magician (Part II) |
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| Posted by sarah gascoigne on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 13 Signs You've Hired The Wrong Magician (Part II)13> "Put your hands together for Dildo the Magnificent!"
12> Novel as it may be, pulling a hat out of a rabbit just plain scares the kids.
11> Trick #1 -- the disappearing pants!
10> Seems genuinely amused every time he pulls a quarter out of your ass.
9> He calmly announces that "any animal lovers in the crowd should probably leave the room for the next few tricks."
8> Saws the lady in half, then tells the kids that only "money from mommy's purse" can make her whole again.
7> At first you though an anal retentive magician would be funny, but who wants to see a guy saw a woman into 259 slices of unvarying width?
6> Turns out his patented "pounding a woman in half" trick is XXX rated.
5> During intermission, she made your 15-year-old son's virginity disappear.
4> All of his "tricks" are written in C++.
3> Keeps telling your daughter, "It's not the size of the wand that matters, it's the magic in it."
2> His version of "The Disappearing Dove" requires a can of Crisco and a latex glove.
1> Sure, the rabbit-from-the-beret thing was cute, but The Great Lewinsky's "Magic Stain" trick was downright gross.
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