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How to be Annoying

Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".
Drum on every available surface.
Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
Set alarms for random times.
Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music".
Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Pay for your dinner with pennies.
Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
Light road flares on a birthday cake.
Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".
Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".
Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
Drive half a block.
Name your dog "Dog".
Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
Ask people what gender they are.
Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.
Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".
Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes."
Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Lie obviously about trivial things, such as the time of day.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Change your name to Jane Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
Sing along at the opera.
Mow your lawn with scissors.
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy".
Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."
Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture".
Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
Never make eye contact.
Never break eye contact.
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

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	():top list jokes (540): Things You Would Never Know Without the Movies

Posted by tinmil on 13-Aug-2005

Things You Would Never Know Without the Movies

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization

-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.

-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

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	():top list jokes (540): The Top 14 Signs You're Dead

Posted by Star Shooter on 13-Aug-2005

The Top 14 Signs You're Dead

14> Goth chicks are diggin' your look.

13> "Weekend at Bernie's" just isn't as funny as it used to be.

12> Only necrophiliacs answer your personal ad.

11> A federal agent is prying your gun from your cold hands.

10> Last thing you remember is beaming down to that planet in your red security uniform.

9> An announcer screams, "The Cubs win the World Series!"

8> Haley Joel Osment has been following you all day saying, "I see... you."

7> You're the rankest smelling thing in a Parisian cheese shop.

6> You have a vague recollection of saying, "Watch this! I saw it on 'Jackass'!"

5> Your entrepreneurial son opens you up as a bait shop.

4> Overwhelming desire to feast on the flesh of the living. (Also a sign you may be Don King.)

3> You're one of the *thin* Kennedys.

2> Anna Nicole Smith is hugging, crying, and kissing you as never before.

1> Album sales up 35%!

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

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	():top list jokes (540): The Top 14 Questions You'd Rather Not Be Asked

Posted by Ryan D. Bloom on 13-Aug-2005

The Top 14 Questions You'd Rather Not Be Asked

14> "You were, uh, *born* a man, right?"

13> "Are you going to tell me the secret code, or am I going to have to assume you're an alien and blast you?"

12> "You and your wife were never very big on that 'exclusive' thing, right?"

11> "Where were you on the night Ms. Tripp was impregnated?"

10> "Can you help me carry this across the street? It's not very infected, just a little slippery."

9> "...and do you take this man, Orenthal James Simpson, to be your lawfully-wedded husband?"

8> "Daddy, can you tell if this pus is coming from my labia tattoo or my labia piercing?"

7> "Well, if that's not your prostate, what is it?"

6> "When did you decide to invest all your lottery winnings in Pets.com?"

5> "What made you think I was a doctor?"

4> "Weren't you wearing a condom earlier?"

3> "So, boss... does your coffee taste funny this morning?"

2> "Mr. Secretary, did the President tell the Chinese Ambassador we are maintaining a 'preventory' nuclear presence in the China Sea or a 'pre-emptory' nuclear presence?"

1> "Blindfold?"

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

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	():top list jokes (540): 16 Steps to Build a Campfire

Posted by Michael Jackson jokes on 13-Aug-2005

16 Steps to Build a Campfire

1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.
2. Bandage left thumb.
3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments
4. Bandage left foot.
5. Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand)
6. Light Match
7. Light Match
8. Repeat "a Scout is cheerful" and light match.
9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of fire.
10. Apply burn ointment to nose.
11. When fire is burning, collect more wood.
12. Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out searching for more wood, soak wood from can labeled "kerosene."
13. Treat face and arms for second-degree burns.
14. Relabel can to read "gasoline."
15. When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.
16. When thunder storm has passed, repeat steps.

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	():top list jokes (540): Fun things to do in an Elevator

Posted by Tim B on 13-Aug-2005

Fun things to do in an Elevator

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.

3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly

5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.

6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

7. Shave.

8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"

13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

14. One word: Flatulence!

15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

16. Do Tai Chi exercises.

17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"

19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.

20. Meow occassionally.

21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"

23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.

25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"

29. Leave a box between the doors.

30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

32. Start a sing-along.

33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

34. Play the harmonica.

35. Shadow box.

36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.

37. Lean against the button panel.

38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

41. Bring a chair along.

42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"

43. Blow spit bubbles. 44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."

50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

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