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():nerd jokes (650): How to get out of anext speeding ticket! |
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| Posted by Courtney A. Owen on 12-Aug-2005 | How to get out of anext speeding ticket!A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove-box, and that there was a body in the trunk?
Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the big liar told you I was speeding too!
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():nerd jokes (650): Truth and Simplicity are inversely... |
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| Posted by Olga Baczynski on 07-Aug-2005 | Truth and Simplicity are inversely...Truth and Simplicity are inversely related
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| Posted by Edward Haskett on 13-Aug-2005 | TRUCKI can remember my fathers last words,
"OH SHIT A TRUCK!"
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| Posted by Butter Fly on 12-Aug-2005 | The mental hospitalAn english, irish and scottish man all admitted to a mental hospital.the doctor came around to check if they are well enough to leave.
The first patient he came to was the english man and he found he was throwing his arms up and down in the air. he asks "what on earth are you doing?" the english man replies "taking the stars out of the sky!" so the doctor replies "your staying put".
The next patient he came to was the scottish man and he found he to was throwing his arms up and down in the air, he asks "wot are you doing?" the scottish man replies "putting the stars back up into the sky!" so the doctor replies your staying put".
the next patient he came to was the irish man and he found him on the floor sitting up making car noises, he asks "wot in gods name are you doing?" the irish man replies "im getting the fuck out of here, everyones gone fucking mental".
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():nerd jokes (650): Dumb & Dumber Part 912,321,654..... |
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| Posted by math jokes on 13-Aug-2005 | Dumb & Dumber Part 912,321,654.....Further evidence that if you try to make something 'Idiot Proof,' the universe will invent better idiots.... Herewith, some [more] evidence that the gene pool may need a little chlorine: ----------
Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar.
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I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt.
So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched. --------
Warning!
At a grocery store in San Jose, they have new credit card / bank card readers at the checkout stands. If you don't know how to orient your card to swipe it through the reader, the checkout person will say, 'Strip down, face toward me.' Editor's Note: Am I wrong, or is this just asking for trouble?
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A customer at a sub shop ordered 'a small soda.' The owner responded, 'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't have small, just medium and large.' (Both cost 99 cents.) The kicker came when the customer, a rather well-dressed business type, disappointedly said, 'Okay, I guess I'll just have to have the medium then.'
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Idiots and Geography:
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, Really? Where is Monosyllabia?'
Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, 'Oh, you mean over by Croatia?' --------
Advice for Idiots: An actual tip from page 16 of the HP 'Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees.'
'Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.' --------
Idiots in the Neighborhood
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there. ------------
Idiots and Computers:
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question:
'I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?' --------
Idiots Are Easy To Please
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed. ---------
Idiots In Food Services
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. --------
Idiots Do Math:
A co-worker was telling us about her sister who was coming to visit her for the holidays. Someone asked how old her sister was, at which she paused, thought for a bit, and then answered, 'She's half as old as I am, that's how I always remember.'
So someone else (okay, it was me) said, 'That's neat... So every year that you age, she only ages half a year?' My co-worker thought about that, and then said, 'Oh, yeah, I guess it only works on even years.'
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| Posted by L Y on 13-Aug-2005 | Dear AbbyExcerpts taken from real letters sent to 'Dear Abby'
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Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?-- Curious
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Dear Abby,
I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
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Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
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Dear Abby,
I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
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Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
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Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
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Dear Abby,
My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
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Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
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Dear Abby,
Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally did it.
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Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.
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Dear Abby,
Then you told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he is a doctor.
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Dear Abby,
My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd like? -- Carol
Dear Carol,
Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie.
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Dear Abby,
Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early? -- Wondering
Dear Wondering,
The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget it.
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Dear Abby,
I know boys will be boys, but my 'boy' is seventy-three and he's still chasing women. Any suggestions? -- Annie
Dear Annie,
Don't worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it.
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Dear Abby,
I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions? -- Sam
Dear Sam,
Yes. Run for public office.
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Dear Abby,
What inspires you most to write? -- Ted
Dear Ted,
The Bureau of Internal Revenue.
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Dear Abby,
I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits.-- Rose
Dear Rose,
So would I.
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Dear Abby,
What's the difference between a wife and a mistress? -- Bess
Dear Bess,
Night and day.
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