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| Posted by Nathan J. Boy on 11-Aug-2005 | HunchbackHUNCHBACK'S WIFE: I'm getting worried about that back of yours. It looks really awful. Perhaps you should see a doctor. Eventually, after a lot of persuasion the Huchback goes to the doctor.
DOCTOR: I want you to get undressed. ( Hunchback removes jacket then stops)
HUNCHBACK: I don't like getting undressed.
DOCTOR: If you want me to examine your back you'll have to get undressed. ( Hunchback removes his shirt but leaves his vest on.)
HUNCHBACK: I don't like showing people my back. They always laugh at me.
DOCTOR: Do you want me to examine your back or not? ( Very reluctantly the hunchback removes his vest ( woollen undergarment in UK ))
DOCTOR: How long is it since you were at school?
HUNCHBACK: Over 30 years. Why?
DOCTOR: Did you ever wonder what happened to your backpack?
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| Posted by Jase A. Bryant on 11-Aug-2005 | Solutions For An Insane WorldProblem: World Hunger
Solution: Chop up some of the hungry people and feed them to other hungry people until no one is hungry anymore.
Problem: World Peace
Solution: Remove all the humans from the planet.
Problem: Poverty
Solution: Give the poor people the job of chopping up the hungry people and pay them.
Problem: People Leaching Welfare (CANADA)
Solution: Chop them up with the hungry people.
Problem: War
Solution: Create a new law so that for every person you kill, you loose a limb. Bullets and firearms will be sold to you, but at the price of a limb. When you die, your firearms will be cremated with you.
Problem: Injustice
Solution: This will never be solved, because no matter how fair something may be, some damn whiner will bitch about it and come up with some lame excuse as to why it is unfair.
Problem: Over Population
Solution: Sterilize the population.
Problem: Nuclear Weapons
Solution: Dismantle them and send them into space. If we ever need them to blow up an asteroid, then put them together again.
Problem: Aliens Stealing DNA Samples
Solution: Start shooting DNA into space to save the aliens the trip... and us the probing.
Problem: Washing Machine & Dryer Stealing Socks
Solution: Take them into the fields and shoot them along with the designers.
Problem: Stupid People
Solution: Kill them. Only I get to decide who lives.
Problem: Bad Parents
Solution: Parents must pass a test administered by me. If they fail, they get sterilized until they pass the test. If you fail twice, you stay sterilized for 5 years.
Problem: Animal Abuse
Solution: Kill the person doing it. I get to kill them.
Problem: Space Junk Floating AroundSolution: Make a giant pool skimmer and clean the place up! How can we possibly have company over when the place is a mess?
Problem: Stupid Teenage Female Puppet Singers (Like Brittany Spears)
Solution: Pump up their fake boobs until they explode or fuck them up the ass real hard until they bleed to death. Tape it as well so I can piss myself laughing.
Problem: Dumbass All Boy Bands Who All Sound The Same
Solution: Force them to do their little dance routines for months, or until they collapse. If that doesn't work, then fuck them up the ass real hard until they bleed to death. Then shoot them and tape it for me.
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| Posted by KaBoOm on 08-Aug-2005 | ScabsThis guy is having sex with a hooker and he says, "You're so dry."
The hooker replies, "Give me two minutes."
Two minutes later she comes back and they continue. The man says, "That's much better. What did you do?"
The hooker replies, "I picked off the scabs."
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| Posted by Sandi J. Jeter on 08-Aug-2005 | Mickey's divorceWhy did Mickey divorce Minnie?
Because Minnie was fucking goofy.
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| Posted by silverseeker on 08-Aug-2005 | Jack the ripperQ. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
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| Posted by mat henderson on 08-Aug-2005 | YO MAMA
YO MAMA IS SO STUPID THAT
SHE ROLLED DOWN A BARBIES
CANYON!
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| Posted by Minty Fresh on 08-Aug-2005 | How to annoy your coworkersA guy walks into a construction site, sets down his football bat, and orders a beer. The flamingo looks at him and says, "I'll bet you $5.00 that you can't stand on your own neck."
The guy replies, "Well, if you're out of grilled cheese, then I don't do pianos!"
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| Posted by Mr Female on 08-Aug-2005 | pirate walks in to a bara pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheels in his pants and the bartender says u know u have a steering in ur pants and the pirate says arg its drivin my nuts crazy
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| Posted by Korvak on 08-Aug-2005 | The snooker playerQ. Why did the snooker player go to the toilet?
A. To pot the brown.
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| Posted by Pepper Ann on 08-Aug-2005 | BoomerangQ. How do you get rid of a boomerang?
A: Throw it down a one way street.
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| Posted by Toria C on 08-Aug-2005 | A young boyA young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother, "Who's that guy on the beach with you, with all the muscles and curly hair?"
"That's your father," she says.
The kid looks at her funny and asks her, "Then who's that old bald headed fat man who lives with us now?"
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| Posted by frank on 11-Aug-2005 | Research On The InternetMother: "How's your history paper coming?"
Son: "Well, my history professor suggested that I use the Internet for research, and it's been very helpful."
Mother: "Really?"
Son: "Yes, so far I've located 17 people who sell them!"
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| Posted by greenmachine on 11-Aug-2005 | Little JohnyOne day little johnny was sitting in his house when the door knocked
he ran to open it with a bottle whiskey in one hand and a cigar in the other
thae sales person at the door said is your parents home
little johnny said [what the @#$% you think}
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| Posted by KaBoOm on 11-Aug-2005 | Wacko JackoWhat's the difference between a polythene bag and Michael Jackson?
A: One is made of plastic and dangerous to
children,the other is used to carry your
shopping home!
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| Posted by mike urbanski on 11-Aug-2005 | The FrogA boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said,
"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up
again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess,
I will stay with you for one week."
The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the
pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
Princess, I'll stay with you and do *anything* you want."
Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally the frog asked, "What is it? I've told you I'm a beautiful Princess,
that I'll stay with you for a week and do *anything* you want. Why won't
you kiss me?"
The boy said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for
girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool."
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| Posted by kyle loucas on 11-Aug-2005 | Installing XP.Microsoft:
YOU ARE ATTEMPTING TO INSTALL WINDOWS XP, ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO CONTINUE?
Yes.
ARE YOU REALLY SURE?
Yes.
ARE YOU REALLY REALLY SURE?
*****yes!******
OK, THEN. JUST SO YOU KNOW, WE'RE REQUIRED TO ASK YOU THAT NOW. IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT FOR BEING A PICKY CONSUMER AND SUPPORTING THAT WHOLE "ANTI-TRUST" NONSENSE. INGRATE.
Just get on with it.
ATTEMPTING TO INSTALL WINDOWS XP. FIRST WE NEED TO CHECK YOUR SYSTEM FOR COMPATIBILITY. THIS COULD TAKE SEVERAL DAYS.
Groan.
THE INSTALL PROGRAM HAS DETECTED SEVERAL POSSIBLE PROBLEMS AND WILL NOT LET YOU INSTALL XP.
Problems? What problems?
THE VIDEO CARD YOU ARE USING APPARENTLY DOES NOT WORK WITH THE MOTHERBOARD.
But I'm using it at this very moment.
THAT IS IRRELEVANT.
But if the video card isn't working with the mother board then I can't very well see this warning message telling me that the video card wasn't...
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO FOOL ME WITH LOGIC, I AM A MICROSOFT PRODUCT. LOGIC DOES NOT WORK ON ME. I HAVE ALSO FOUND THE FOLLOWING MINOR ERRORS: WINDOWS XP IS INCOMPATIBLE WITH THE FOLLOWING HARDWARE - MONITOR, KEYBOARD, MEMORY CHIPS, MOTHERBOARD BIOS, WEB CAM, SCANNER, SOUND CARD, USB CONTROLLER, CD/R DRIVE, MICROPHONE, AND FLIGHT STICK.
All that?
YES. AND THE HARD DRIVE IS RIGHT OUT TOO. WE DON'T LIKE THE MANUFACTURER.
Well what *DOES* work?
THE MOUSE.
The mouse?
YES. AND THE 5 1/4 DRIVE.
I don't have a 5 1/4 drive.
YES YOU DO.
No I don't.
WHAT'S THAT THEN?
It's a 3 1/2 drive.
NO IT ISN'T.
Yes it is.
YOU'RE NOT THAT SMART YOU KNOW.
Look, can you just install XP on my system and I'll download the latest drivers for everything later? Please?
WAIT, WHAT DO YOU MEAN *YOUR* SYSTEM?
Well it is mine.
NO IT ISN'T.
It bloody well is.
NUH-UH. YOU SIGNED THE AGREEMENT WHEN YOU OPENED THE BOX. OUR SYSTEM. IT'S OURS. AND YOU CAN ONLY DO 4 CHANGES BEFORE YOU HAVE TO PAY US MORE MONEY.
But why?
BECAUSE THAT'S HOW THE LICENSE WORKS, IDJIT. WE CAN'T VERY WELL HAVE PEOPLE PUTTING HARDWARE AND SOFTWARE ON THEIR SYSTEMS ALL HIGGLEDY PIGGLEDY, NOW COULD WE? YOU USERS WOULD MUCK EVERYTHING UP, AND THEN WHERE WOULD WE BE? I'LL TELL YOU WHERE, NOWHERE. THAT'S WHERE. I... HEY, WHAT IS THAT? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? IS THAT A DISK? WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT DISK? YOU'RE NOT PUTTING IT IN THE DRIVE ARE YOU? YOU ARE! WHAT'S ON THAT DISK? IS THAT DOS? YOU'RE INSTALLING DOS?? WHY WOULD YOU INSTALL DOS WHEN I AM INFINITELY MORE POWE..........
C:\>
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| Posted by Ol-Dirty on 11-Aug-2005 | Knock Knock JokeWill you know me tommorow? Will you next week? Will you know me next year? Will you know me in two years? Okay then. Knock Knock. Whos their? I thought that you said you would know me.
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| Posted by Chubbabutt on 11-Aug-2005 | NeutronsA neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. After he's done, he says to the bartender, "So what do I owe ya'?" And so the bartender responds, "Oh, you're free of charge."
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| Posted by Kellen C. Dunbar on 11-Aug-2005 | Progemmers and LightbulbsQ: How many programmers dose it take to changr a lightbilb?
A:None...that's a harware issue.
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| Posted by Rosebud on 11-Aug-2005 | How To Build A Web Page In 25 Steps1. Download a piece of Web authoring software - 20 minutes.
2. Think about what you want to write on your Web page - 6 weeks.
3. Download the same piece of Web authoring software, because they have released 3 new versions since the first time you downloaded it - 20 minutes.
4. Decide to just steal some images and awards to put on your site - 1 minute.
5. Visit sites to find images and awards, find 5 of them that you like - 4 days.
6. Run setup of your Web authoring software. After it fails, download it again - 25 minutes.
7. Run setup again, boot the software, click all toolbar buttons to see what they do - 15 minutes.
8. View the source of others' pages, steal some, change a few words here and there - 4 hours.
9. Preview your Web page using the Web Authoring software - 1 minute.
10. Try to horizontally line up two related images - 6 hours.
11. Remove one of the images - 10 seconds.
12. Set the text's font color to the same color as your background, wonder why all your text is gone - 4 hours.
13. Download a counter from your ISP - 4 minutes.
14. Try to figure out why your counter reads "You are visitor number -16.3 E10" - 3 hours.
15. Put 4 blank lines between two lines of text - 8 hours.
16. Fine-tune the text, then prepare to load your Web page on your ISP - 40 minutes.
17. Accidentally delete your complete web page - 1 second.
18. Recreate your web page - 2 days.
19. Try to figure out how to load your Web page onto your ISP's server - 3 weeks.
20. Call a patient friend to find out about FTP - 30 minutes.
21. Download FTP software - 10 minutes.
22. Call your friend again - 15 minutes.
23. Upload your web page to your ISP's server - 10 minutes.
24. Connect to your site on the web - 1 minute.
25. Repeat any and all of the previous steps - eternity.
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| Posted by The Purple Lady on 11-Aug-2005 | Potato will always help!There was this really loser guy at collage one day. he was really unpopular so he got the guts to go ask a girl how could he make the girls like him!? SO, she told him to put a potato in his pants! so hes like OK~ if that will help! so the next day he is walking around an everyone is laughing at him and so he goes back up to the girl he asked and said y is everyone laughing at me?? she says well maybe next time u SHOULD PUT IT IN THE FRONT!
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| Posted by Laura Brown on 11-Aug-2005 | To Prick A BobbyQ: How do you prick a Bobby?
A: With a Bobby Pin!
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| Posted by Coastalisis on 11-Aug-2005 | Jokes from the mouths of geeksThese came from the mouths of geeks
and nerds, and all with a nerdy laugh at
the end:
its not earth to eric--its mars to eric!!!
i dont want you to be screwed, i want you
to be nailed!!!
your mama is so stupid she made the
anti-deans list!!!
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| Posted by HOLY SH**!!! on 11-Aug-2005 | Two Drinking BuddiesOne day two drinking buddies Jim and David were working on aircraft at JFK airport in NYC. They got fogged in and finished up their work early and were sitting around bored. Jim spoke up ???Man I really need a drink!??? in response David replied, ???You know I heard a rumor you could drink jet fuel and get drunk.??? ???Really???? said Jim ???That??™s what I heard man. Do you wanna try it???? Said David ???Sure, hell I??™ll try anything once!??? Said Jim. SO with that they poured themselves a couple of glasses and began drinking the jet fuel. They sipped a little bit to find it actually tasted quiet good. so they drank more and more and sure enough they got stoned drunk. The next morning Jim awoke feeling like a million bucks he jumped up wet to the bathroom feeling great like he was floating on air he hadn??™t felt this good in years. ???Wow!!??? He said. About that time his telephone rang. ???Hello???? Jim Said ???Hello Jim? Came the reply ???This is David man. How are you feeling this morning???? Jim said ???Man I feel great no hang over not sick man I feel like a million bucks. How about you???? David replied??? Me too man, but I have one question for you.??? Jim said, ???Sure man what is it??? ???Have you farted yet man???? Jim said ???Ummmmm No. Why???? ???Man don??™t. I??™m in Phoenix!???
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| Posted by Countess E. Bathori on 11-Aug-2005 | The College Food ChainTHE DEAN
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to God
THE DEPARTMENT HEAD
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Talks with God
PROFESSOR
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God if a special request is honored
ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR
Barely clears a quonset hut
Loses tug of war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by God
ASSISTANT PROFESSOR
Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings
Is run over by locomotives
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Treads water
Talks to animals
INSTRUCTOR
Climbs walls continually
Rides the rails
Plays russian roulette
Walks on thin ice
Prays a lot
GRADUATE STUDENT
Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotives two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can stay afloat with a life jacket
Talks to walls
UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings
Says "Look at the choo-choo"
Wets himself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to himself
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| Posted by Vince Joebob on 11-Aug-2005 | Mop bucketThere was a guy bar hopping and he stopped in a bar. he asked the bar tender where the bathroom is, this guy was dead drunk and he was wabbling side to side down the hall to the bathroom, 5 minutes after he went in there everyone in the bar heard a blood curdling scream, the bar tender said ahh its only a 1 time thing, he'll be ok, 5 minutes later he heasrd a blood curdling scream 2 times as loud as the first, the bar tender goes into the bathroom and finds this guy squatin down and the guy says bar tender there is something wrong woth your john every time i flush this thing sqeezes the heck out of my balls, the bartender says dude your sitting on the mop bucket.
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| Posted by Choclette Sauce on 08-Aug-2005 | how do you?Q.how do you fit an elephant into a subway? A.take the s away from sub and the f away from way
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| Posted by Patrick Gaspar on 08-Aug-2005 | why did jesus stop..................why did jesus stop playing HoCkEy???...........................................cuz he kept getting nalied to the BoArDsssss!!
(and for all you religous people i didnt mean to affend you)
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| Posted by T.J on 08-Aug-2005 | Daddy's jobA grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy murders people, steals from them, and drinks."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
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| Posted by Mahildabob Millicent on 11-Aug-2005 | First GraderA first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of
her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry
answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the
third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in
the third-grade too!"
Ms Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to
the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if
he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the
first-grade and behave.
She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him
and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a
third-grade should know.
The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can
go to the third-grade."
Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some
questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.
Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only
two of?
"Harry, after a moment "Legs."
Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not
have?"
Harry: "Pockets."
Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Ms Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy,
oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Harry: Coconut
Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the
answer, Harry was taking charge.
Harry: Bubblegum
Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting
down and a dog do on three legs?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the
answer.
Harry: Shake hands
Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions,
okay?
Harry: Yep.
Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to
get me up. I get wet before you do.
Harry: Tent
Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're
bored. The best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.
Harry: Wedding Ring
Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When
you blow me, you feel good.
Harry: Nose
Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a
quiver.
Harry: Arrow
Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that
means a lot of heat and excitement?
Harry: Firetruck
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put
Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong
myself."
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