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():funny quotes (263): "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess'... |
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| Posted by Cindy A. Spencer on 07-Aug-2005 | "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess'..."I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid
problem?'"
- Arnold Schwarzenegger
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22 people have rated this joke: |
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| Posted by Carrie Sparton on 14-Aug-2005 | Homer Simpson"What are you gonna do then? Let out the dogs? or the bees? or dogs with
bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you?"
"My son, when you are in a sport, it isn't about winning or loosing..it's
about how drunk you gets"
"Bart, a woman is excactly like a beer. They look good, they smell good,
and you would kill your own mother to get one"
"Kill my boss?! Do I really dare to live out the american dream?"
"Heh Heh Heh! Lisa! Vampires are just made up, just like fearies, trolls
and eskimos."
"Ohh, I love your newspaper. Especially the part with 'increase your
vocabulary'. I find it very...very...very...good."
"Miss! Give me the number to 911!"
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34 people have rated this joke: |
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():funny quotes (263): "Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." |
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| Posted by Sundi Jo M. Graham on 09-Aug-2005 | "Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."Maryon Pearson
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():funny quotes (263): "If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to serve as
a horrible warning." |
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| Posted by Hyun Choi on 09-Aug-2005 | "If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to serve as
a horrible warning."Catherine Aird
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| Posted by Carla J. Hicks on 14-Aug-2005 | Groucho Marx's Best LinesWho are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Room service? Send up a larger room.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool
you. He really is an idiot.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed
with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?
You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to
get rid of it.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got into my pyjamas
I'll never know.
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.
I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody
turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is probably
more than she ever did.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of
you than you do!
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce
and so will my wife.
Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And
east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them
like apple- sauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now,
uh... Now you tell me what you know.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment
when you came along.
Whatever it is I'm against it.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too
dark to read.
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
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| Posted by Valerie A. Galluzzo on 14-Aug-2005 | I'd Like Some FriesI went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The
girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
--Jay Leno
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9 people have rated this joke: |
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