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| Posted by Carla J. Hicks on 14-Aug-2005 | Groucho Marx's Best LinesWho are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Room service? Send up a larger room.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool
you. He really is an idiot.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed
with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?
You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to
get rid of it.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got into my pyjamas
I'll never know.
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.
I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody
turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is probably
more than she ever did.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of
you than you do!
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce
and so will my wife.
Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And
east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them
like apple- sauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now,
uh... Now you tell me what you know.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment
when you came along.
Whatever it is I'm against it.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too
dark to read.
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
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| Posted by Tommy Fischer on 14-Aug-2005 | Another Steven Wright QuoteI'm having amnesia and de ja vu at the same time. Now I'm
forgetting things all over again.
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| Posted by Raymond N. Kostowski on 13-Aug-2005 | Problem solving quotes1. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
2. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
4. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
6. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking good either.
7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, 'Where the heck is the ceiling?!'
12. My Reality Check bounced.
13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
14. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
17. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
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| Posted by Awkward on 14-Aug-2005 | More truths...Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-o to a tree.
There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to
look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it
is that wrinkles don't hurt.
Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an
aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant
atmosphere...and let the air out of their tires. -Dorothy Parker
Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment
is due.
Families are like fudge...mostly sweet with a few nuts.
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the
toy.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need
baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car.
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and
wonder what else you can do while you're down there
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| Posted by Ha N. Vu on 14-Aug-2005 | The RollercosterSex is like a rollercoster, when it's good you want it to last for longer,
when it's bad you can't wait to get off.
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| Posted by Alex C on 07-Aug-2005 | I always turn to the sports page first, which...I always turn to the sports page first, which record people's
accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man's failures.
- Chief Justice Earl Warren
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| Posted by Nate M. F on 07-Aug-2005 | "One of the curious effects of a bad hangover..."One of the curious effects of a bad hangover is that
you think you're wrong whether you are or not.
Not wrong in particulars,
but wrong in general, wrong about everything."
- Jim Harrison
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| Posted by Sumit W. Khan on 07-Aug-2005 | "I squeezed that sperm till a strange sort..."I squeezed that sperm till a strange sort of insanity came over me"
- Herman Melville
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| Posted by amanda j. tanner on 07-Aug-2005 | Society is like a stew....Society is like a stew.
If you don't keep it stirred up,
you get a lot of scum on top.
- Edward Abbey
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| Posted by Acer on 14-Aug-2005 | Food PoisoningI got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
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| Posted by Amanda Bennett on 14-Aug-2005 | 50 actual newspaper headings(collected by actual journalists)
1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies in House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84
30. War Dims Hope for Peace
31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
35. Deer Kill 17,000
36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
50. Air Head Fired
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| Posted by Elana on 14-Aug-2005 | Amendment 6In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a
speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the state and district
wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have
been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and
cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against
him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor,
and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense.
- The Constitution of the United States of America Amendment 6, 1791
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| Posted by Dr.16 on 07-Aug-2005 | "Sometimes when I'm sitting in my car at a..."Sometimes when I'm sitting in my car at a stop light, I imagine myself as
Luke Skywalker, and I close my eyes and concentrate on using The Force.
Sometimes I have to concentrate longer than others, but I know it works,
'cause the light always turns green."
- Troy Peterson
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| Posted by DJ Kooney on 14-Aug-2005 | Baby ShowerI took a baby shower once. It left my skin baby soft.
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| Posted by Kayla Phillips on 13-Aug-2005 | Useful Work Phrases1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
13. No, my powers can only be used for good.
14. How about never? Is never good for you?
15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
16. You sound reasonable . Time to up my medication.
17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message .
19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
25. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
26. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
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| Posted by Jason J. Barber on 09-Aug-2005 | "What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."Cindy Garner
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| Posted by Mya F. Whooch on 14-Aug-2005 | TruismsNobody will ever win the battle of the sexes...
There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks,
By that time his eyes focus well enough to see you clearly.
Drive carefully,
It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
Don't worry about the world ending today...
It's already tomorrow in Australia.
Character is what you are.
Reputation is what people think you are.
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods.
Cats have never forgotten this.
A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two
things: 1. Women. 2. Fractions.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
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| Posted by Lubo on 14-Aug-2005 | All cut upParital birth abortion--the best thing since sliced bread!
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| Posted by Rick Martin on 07-Aug-2005 | "Everything worthwhile has already been invented...."Everything worthwhile has already been invented."
- director of the US Patent Office, 1899.
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Funny Quotes:funny quotes | (263) : "Who ever thought up the word 'Mammogram'? Every time I hear it, I
think I'm supposed to put my bre |
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| Posted by Zohaib Fazal on 09-Aug-2005 | "Who ever thought up the word 'Mammogram'? Every time I hear it, I
think I'm supposed to put my breJan King
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| Posted by sarah simone on 09-Aug-2005 | "Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your
girlfriends."Laurie Kuslansky
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| Posted by Dragonfire563 on 07-Aug-2005 | We are ready for an unforeseen event that...We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur.
- Dan Quayle, Former U.S. Vice-President
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| Posted by Jocky on 07-Aug-2005 | To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's...To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no
choreography and the dancers hit each other.
- J. Handy
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| Posted by GrLuLoVe To HaTe on 14-Aug-2005 | Another Batch!"Sex is one of the most beautiful and natural things that money can buy."
"I gave my cat a bath the other day...He sat there, he enjoyed it, it was
fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that..."
"What? You been keeping records on me? I wasn't so bad! How many times did
I take the Lord's name in vain? One million and six? Jesus Ch---"
"In French, oeuf means egg, cheese is fromage...it's like those French
have a different word for everything."
"I believe you should place a woman on a pedestal, high enough so you can
look up her dress."
"I believe that Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was...an
arctic region covered with ice."
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Funny Quotes:funny quotes | (263) : "When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade
another country. It's a whole |
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| Posted by Lorelea on 09-Aug-2005 | "When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade
another country. It's a wholeElaine Boosler
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| Posted by Fred Kohn on 14-Aug-2005 | Room TemperatureIt doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room
temperature.
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| Posted by Joanne Massoud on 09-Aug-2005 | "A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car."Carrie Snow
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