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"I squeezed that sperm till a strange sort...

"I squeezed that sperm till a strange sort of insanity came over me"

- Herman Melville

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	():funny quotes (263): Homer Simpson

Posted by Carrie Sparton on 14-Aug-2005

Homer Simpson

"What are you gonna do then? Let out the dogs? or the bees? or dogs with
bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you?"

"My son, when you are in a sport, it isn't about winning or loosing..it's
about how drunk you gets"

"Bart, a woman is excactly like a beer. They look good, they smell good,
and you would kill your own mother to get one"

"Kill my boss?! Do I really dare to live out the american dream?"

"Heh Heh Heh! Lisa! Vampires are just made up, just like fearies, trolls
and eskimos."

"Ohh, I love your newspaper. Especially the part with 'increase your
vocabulary'. I find it very...very...very...good."

"Miss! Give me the number to 911!"

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	():funny quotes (263): Daily Affirmations

Posted by Vjc on 13-Aug-2005

Daily Affirmations

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.

My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.

I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.

As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.

The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

I am at one with my duality.

Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

Does my quiet self-pity get to you or should I move up to incessant nagging?

Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

False hope is nicer than no hope at all.

A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone.

The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step - blaming my parents.

I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.

The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home.

To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

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	():funny quotes (263): I spilt spot remover on my dog, now's he gone....

Posted by CuteCat on 07-Aug-2005

I spilt spot remover on my dog, now's he gone....

I spilt spot remover on my dog, now's he gone.

- Steven Wright

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	():funny quotes (263): Norm Peterson's Famous Quotes (from TV's 'Cheers')

Posted by Star Shine on 13-Aug-2005

Norm Peterson's Famous Quotes (from TV's 'Cheers')

Norm Peterson's Famous Quotes (from TV's 'Cheers')
--------------------------------------------------

'Can I draw you a beer, Norm ?'
'No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one.'

'How's a beer sound, Norm?'
'I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in.'

'What's shaking, Norm?'
'All four cheeks and a couple of chins.'

'What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?'
'Going Down?'

'What's new, Normie?'
'Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach and they're
demanding beer.'

'What'll it be, Normie?'
'Just the usual, Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel.'

'What would you say to a beer, Normie?'
'Daddy wuvs you.'

'What'd you like, Normie?'
'A reason to live. Give me another beer.'

'What'll you have, Normie?'
'Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a
glass of whatever comes out of that tap.'
'Looks like beer, Norm.'
'Call me Mister Lucky.'

'What'd you say, Norm?'
'Any cheap, tawdry thing that will get me a beer.'

'What would you say to a beer, Norm?'
'Hiya, sailor. New in town?'

(Coming in from the rain)
'Evening, everybody.'
Everybody: 'Norm!'
'Still pouring, Norm?'
'That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing.'

'Whaddya say, Norm?'
'Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink.'

'Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?'
'Like a baby treats a diaper.'

'Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?'
'No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass.'

'How's life treating you?'
'It's not, Sammy, but you can.'

'What's the story, Mr. Peterson?'
'The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy
ending.'

'Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.'
'I know. If she calls, I'm not here.'

'Beer, Norm?'
'Have I gotten that predictable? Good.'

'What's going on, Mr. Peterson?'
'A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.''

'Hey Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?'
'Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?'

'What's going on, Mr. Peterson?'
'Another layer for the winter, Wood.'

'Whatcha up to, Norm?'
'My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.'

'How's it going, Mr. Peterson?'
'Poor.'
'I'm sorry to hear that.'
'No, I mean pour.'

'How's life treating you Norm?'
'Like it caught me sleeping with its wife.'

'Women. Can't live with 'em....pass the beer nuts.'

'What's going down, Normie?'
'My butt cheeks on that bar stool.'

'Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?'
'Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty.'

'How's it going, Mr. Peterson?'
'It's a dog eat dog world, Woody, and I'm wearing
Milk Bone underwear.'

'What's the story, Norm?'
'Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer.'

'How's about a beer, Norm?'
'That's that amber sudsy stuff, right?
I've heard good things about it!'

'What's going on, Mr. Peterson?'
'The question is 'what's going in, Mr. Peterson?'
A beer please, Woody.'

'Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?'
'A little early isn't it, Woody?'
'For a beer?'
'No, for stupid questions.'

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