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():funny quotes (263): "I squeezed that sperm till a strange sort... |
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| Posted by Sumit W. Khan on 07-Aug-2005 | "I squeezed that sperm till a strange sort..."I squeezed that sperm till a strange sort of insanity came over me"
- Herman Melville
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| Posted by Mya F. Whooch on 14-Aug-2005 | TruismsNobody will ever win the battle of the sexes...
There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks,
By that time his eyes focus well enough to see you clearly.
Drive carefully,
It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
Don't worry about the world ending today...
It's already tomorrow in Australia.
Character is what you are.
Reputation is what people think you are.
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods.
Cats have never forgotten this.
A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two
things: 1. Women. 2. Fractions.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
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| Posted by Kayla Phillips on 13-Aug-2005 | Useful Work Phrases1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
13. No, my powers can only be used for good.
14. How about never? Is never good for you?
15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
16. You sound reasonable . Time to up my medication.
17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message .
19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
25. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
26. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
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| Posted by DJ Kooney on 14-Aug-2005 | Baby ShowerI took a baby shower once. It left my skin baby soft.
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| Posted by STEVIE on 14-Aug-2005 | Graffiti in the USAThe best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
* Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
Beauty is only a light switch away.
* Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC
If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's
Get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
* Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC
Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"
* Rest stop off Route 81, WV
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of
putting up with her shit.
* Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC
To do is to be. -Descartes
To be is to do. -Voltaire
Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra
* Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats, Scottsdale, AZ
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
* Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
* Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, AZ
Make love, not war. - Hell, do both, get married!
God is dead. - Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead. - God
* The Tombs Restaurant, Washington, DC
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
* Revolution Books, New York, NY
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going
to have trouble with it.
* Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
You're too good for him.
* Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly
Hills,CA
No wonder you always go home alone.
* Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly
Hills, CA
~~~~~ and from the once famous Bird House, Bird Creek, AK
(before it burnt down; south of Anchorage) -- hello Leroy!
These candy bars taste like cotton.
For sale or trade: one blind crab for one without teeth.
Birthdays come only once a year ... I'm glad I'm not a birthday.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
We aim to please: aim too please.
Is intercourse here to stay, or are people just screwing around?
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Help stamp out graffiti.
Graffiti is the 'handwriting on the wall'
Confuses say many who shits in the woods finds flies on his return.
Eat Shit: a billion flies can't be wrong.
Eat Sheep: a thousand Utah coyotes can't be wrong.
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| Posted by Cedrik on 13-Aug-2005 | More stuff to ponderIt is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray!
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
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