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| Posted by Sumit W. Khan on 07-Aug-2005 | "I squeezed that sperm till a strange sort..."I squeezed that sperm till a strange sort of insanity came over me"
- Herman Melville
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| Posted by amanda j. tanner on 07-Aug-2005 | Society is like a stew....Society is like a stew.
If you don't keep it stirred up,
you get a lot of scum on top.
- Edward Abbey
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| Posted by Acer on 14-Aug-2005 | Food PoisoningI got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
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| Posted by Amanda Bennett on 14-Aug-2005 | 50 actual newspaper headings(collected by actual journalists)
1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies in House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84
30. War Dims Hope for Peace
31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
35. Deer Kill 17,000
36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
50. Air Head Fired
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| Posted by Elana on 14-Aug-2005 | Amendment 6In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a
speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the state and district
wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have
been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and
cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against
him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor,
and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense.
- The Constitution of the United States of America Amendment 6, 1791
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| Posted by Dr.16 on 07-Aug-2005 | "Sometimes when I'm sitting in my car at a..."Sometimes when I'm sitting in my car at a stop light, I imagine myself as
Luke Skywalker, and I close my eyes and concentrate on using The Force.
Sometimes I have to concentrate longer than others, but I know it works,
'cause the light always turns green."
- Troy Peterson
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| Posted by DJ Kooney on 14-Aug-2005 | Baby ShowerI took a baby shower once. It left my skin baby soft.
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| Posted by Kayla Phillips on 13-Aug-2005 | Useful Work Phrases1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
13. No, my powers can only be used for good.
14. How about never? Is never good for you?
15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
16. You sound reasonable . Time to up my medication.
17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message .
19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
25. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
26. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
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| Posted by Jason J. Barber on 09-Aug-2005 | "What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."Cindy Garner
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| Posted by Mya F. Whooch on 14-Aug-2005 | TruismsNobody will ever win the battle of the sexes...
There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks,
By that time his eyes focus well enough to see you clearly.
Drive carefully,
It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
Don't worry about the world ending today...
It's already tomorrow in Australia.
Character is what you are.
Reputation is what people think you are.
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods.
Cats have never forgotten this.
A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two
things: 1. Women. 2. Fractions.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
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| Posted by Lubo on 14-Aug-2005 | All cut upParital birth abortion--the best thing since sliced bread!
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| Posted by Rick Martin on 07-Aug-2005 | "Everything worthwhile has already been invented...."Everything worthwhile has already been invented."
- director of the US Patent Office, 1899.
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Funny Quotes:funny quotes | (263) : "Who ever thought up the word 'Mammogram'? Every time I hear it, I
think I'm supposed to put my bre |
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| Posted by Zohaib Fazal on 09-Aug-2005 | "Who ever thought up the word 'Mammogram'? Every time I hear it, I
think I'm supposed to put my breJan King
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| Posted by sarah simone on 09-Aug-2005 | "Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your
girlfriends."Laurie Kuslansky
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| Posted by Dragonfire563 on 07-Aug-2005 | We are ready for an unforeseen event that...We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur.
- Dan Quayle, Former U.S. Vice-President
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| Posted by Jocky on 07-Aug-2005 | To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's...To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no
choreography and the dancers hit each other.
- J. Handy
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| Posted by GrLuLoVe To HaTe on 14-Aug-2005 | Another Batch!"Sex is one of the most beautiful and natural things that money can buy."
"I gave my cat a bath the other day...He sat there, he enjoyed it, it was
fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that..."
"What? You been keeping records on me? I wasn't so bad! How many times did
I take the Lord's name in vain? One million and six? Jesus Ch---"
"In French, oeuf means egg, cheese is fromage...it's like those French
have a different word for everything."
"I believe you should place a woman on a pedestal, high enough so you can
look up her dress."
"I believe that Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was...an
arctic region covered with ice."
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Funny Quotes:funny quotes | (263) : "When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade
another country. It's a whole |
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| Posted by Lorelea on 09-Aug-2005 | "When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade
another country. It's a wholeElaine Boosler
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| Posted by Fred Kohn on 14-Aug-2005 | Room TemperatureIt doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room
temperature.
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| Posted by Joanne Massoud on 09-Aug-2005 | "A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car."Carrie Snow
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| Posted by Wedgey Boy on 07-Aug-2005 | "Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together..."Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank
robbery has just taken place."
- Johnny Carson
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Funny Quotes:funny quotes | (263) : "Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be
thought half as good. Luckily, this |
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| Posted by Hector R. Cruz on 09-Aug-2005 | "Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be
thought half as good. Luckily, thisCharlotte Whitton
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Funny Quotes:funny quotes | (263) : "Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps
they should live next door and |
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| Posted by Henry Alarcon on 09-Aug-2005 | "Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps
they should live next door andKatharine Hepburn
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Funny Quotes:funny quotes | (263) : "I've been doing the Fonda workout: The Peter Fonda workout. That's where
I wake up, take a hit of |
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| Posted by REM on 09-Aug-2005 | "I've been doing the Fonda workout: The Peter Fonda workout. That's where
I wake up, take a hit ofKevin Meaney
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Funny Quotes:funny quotes | (263) : "Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is
talking about either a law |
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| Posted by Jaime M. Albright on 09-Aug-2005 | "Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is
talking about either a lawBill Cosby
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Funny Quotes:funny quotes | (263) : "My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my
head on the top bunk bed |
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| Posted by Arty S. Choco on 09-Aug-2005 | "My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my
head on the top bunk bedErma Bombeck
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| Posted by NaughtyPillow on 09-Aug-2005 | "I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his
house."Zsa Zsa Gabor
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Funny Quotes:funny quotes | (263) : Miss Bindle was the Jesse James of sarcasm: she could quick-draw a
sarcastic remark and drill you b |
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| Posted by Kellen Cuttance on 09-Aug-2005 | Miss Bindle was the Jesse James of sarcasm: she could quick-draw a
sarcastic remark and drill you bPatrick F. McManus
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| Posted by Austin Anderson on 07-Aug-2005 | "I was married by a judge. I should have asked..."I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
- George Burns
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