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| Posted by LuckieDuckie713 on 13-Aug-2005 | Take me to your leaderTwo aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station.
They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it: 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.' The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently: 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to you leader, or I will fire!'
The other alien shouted to his comrade 'No, you mustn't anger him!' but before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.
There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other and said: 'What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us! But, how did you know it was so dangerous?'
The other alien answered: 'If there's one thing I've learned during travels thorough the galaxy, it's that if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick into his own ear, you don't mess with him!'
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| Posted by Mitchy Dee on 13-Aug-2005 | EPA Warning: The Danger of Eating BreadTHE DANGER OF EATING BREAD
A recent newspaper headline read, ''Smell of baked bread may be health hazard.'' The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell of baking bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the organic components of this aroma may break down ozone.
I was horrified. When are we going to do something about bread-induced global warming? Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is the government going to go after Big Bread? Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered should make anyone think twice....
THE FINDINGS
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called ''dough.'' It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average person eats more bread than that in one month!
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after only two days.
PROPOSED RESTRICTIONS
Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling. In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions
1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. A $40.2 billion fine on the three biggest bread manufacturers.
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| Posted by Anna Flack on 13-Aug-2005 | Other NY Times RetractionsThe Top 10 Other Retractions Printed by the NY Times in 1998
10 ''Earlier this year, the Times mistakenly reported that software magnate Bill Gates is a money-hungry, maladapted, socially awkward loser. He is, in fact, a bloodsucking cob-nobbler. The Times regrets the error.''
9 ''We wish to apologize for calling the former Australian Prime minister, Paul Keating, the lowest slime-ball in the country. We meant in THEIR country.''
8 ''Due to a typographical error yesterday, we mistakenly printed the entire Wall Street Journal under our banner. It should have been the Washington Post. Sorry.''
7 ''Okay, so it was a blue dress, not a red skirt. Get off our backs already!''
6 ''Recently, pop singer George Michael was caught masturbating in a public restroom. He was not, as reported in this newspaper, actually choking a chicken.''
5 ''It has come to the attention of the Times that disk jockey Fred LeFebvre of KISS-FM in Toledo was not actually the recipient of a MacArthur 'Genius Grant.'''
4 ''Evidently, there are no Klingons on Uranus after all. Sorry for the confusion.''
3 ''Our article describing O.J. Simpson as 'slashing out' over the prospect of losing his children contained a regrettable typo...''
2 ''As it turns out, the Banana Republic dictatorship is actually just a clothing store.''
1 ''Miss Lewinsky did not give the President a snow job, as reported in some editions yesterday.''
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