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| Posted by Valerie A. Galluzzo on 14-Aug-2005 | I'd Like Some FriesI went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The
girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
--Jay Leno
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| Posted by Sundi Jo M. Graham on 09-Aug-2005 | "Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."Maryon Pearson
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| Posted by Vjc on 13-Aug-2005 | Daily AffirmationsI have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.
As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.
The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
I am at one with my duality.
Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
Does my quiet self-pity get to you or should I move up to incessant nagging?
Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone.
The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step - blaming my parents.
I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.
The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home.
To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
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| Posted by jake hatesworth on 13-Aug-2005 | Dilbert's Words of Wisdom1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he/she isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, ''Where the heck is the ceiling?!''
12. My Reality Check, bounced.
13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
14. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like you they are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
17. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
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| Posted by nick g on 14-Aug-2005 | Steven Wrigth Quotes 3- When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a
great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people
ask me if I'm leaving.
- Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came
back the entire area was missing.
- It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
- I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said,
"Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know where
sleep is." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of
tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and
just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and
she said, "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
- I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because
that means it's going to be up all night.
- When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you
sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
- Earlier today I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept
wandering.
- One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in
somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all
over the world.
- My girlfriend does her nails with whiteout. When she's asleep,
I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
- I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called
Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't
find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they
were!
- I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She
looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored
socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same
because I go by thickness."
- I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. You turn on
the record, put the headphones on and learn Spanish in your
sleep; during the night the record got stuck. The next day I
could only stutter in Spanish.
- Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
- Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a
dotted line. He caught every other fish.
- There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore
looking like an idiot.
- I bought a dog the other day, he_s really smart!...I named him
Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here,
Stay!" Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
- I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little
pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around
in circles.
- The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on
the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid
of widths.
- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a
train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation...go figure
- If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
- If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came
up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
- Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
- What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald
men?
- I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing
husbands on beer cans.
- I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole
lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me they were
cramming for their finals.
- I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny
spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use...
Toothpicks?
- Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do_ write to these men? Why don't they
just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen
could look for them while they delivered the mail?
- How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
- If it's true that we are here to help others, then what
exactly are the OTHERS here for?
- Clones are people two.
- If a man says something in the woods and there are no women
there, is he still wrong?
- If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
- Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
zigzag?
- Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
- If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is
that considered a hostage situation?
- If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
- I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd
be gone. I said, "The whole time."
- So what's the speed of dark?
- How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who
has been dissing them anyhow?
- After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before
getting OUT of the water?
- If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it
in?
- I just got skylights put in my apartment. The people who live
above me are furious.
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| Posted by Tyler R. Dumas on 13-Aug-2005 | More Religion QuotesI don't care WHO you are, you're not walking on the water while I'm fishing.
A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.
Definition of Atheism: a non-prophet organization.
Jesus saves, Allah forgives, Cthulhu thinks you'd make a nice sandwich.
Why settle for the lesser of two evils?
Photons have mass!? I didn't even know they were Catholic...
Here's to the sun God, He sure is a fun God, Ra, Ra, Ra
Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them? - Jules Feiffer
A diagnostic is someone who doesn't know whether there are two gods.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
In the beginning, God created the Baptists. And the Baptists looked at themselves and said, "We good." And God saw it was too late.
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
On an atheist's tombstone: Here lies an atheist; all dressed up and no place to go.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
I am an agnostic pagan. I doubt the existence of many gods.
I'm convinced God put me here to accomplish a certain number of things; right now, I'm so far behind I'll never die!
A dyslexic, agnostic insomniac - one who lies awake at night wondering if there really is a dog...
"When you speak of heaven, let your face light up; let it be irradiated by a heavenly gleam; let your eyes shine with reflected glory. But when you speak of hell, your ordinary expression will do. " Charles Spurgeon
There are two kinds of people: those who say to God, "Thy will be done," and those to whom God says, "All right, then, have it your way." - C.S. Lewis
"Never invoke the gods unless you really want them to appear. It annoys them very much." -- G.K. Chesterton
Make God laugh - plan for the future.
"I am ready to meet my maker. Whether or not my maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter." - Winston Churchill
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says,"What is this, some kind of joke?"
Adam to Eve: I'll wear the plants in this family!
And on the 8th day God said, "OK Murphy, you take over."
Atheist achieving orgasm: "Oh Random! Oh, Chance!"
Birth, life, death. Repeat as necessary.
Blessed are the Fundamentalists, for they shall inhibit the earth.
I disbelieved in reincarnation in my last life, too.
Freedom *OF* religion includes freedom *FROM* religion.
Give me some of that old-time Religion...HAIL ZEUS!
If money is the root of all evil, why do churches want it so badly?
In a crisis call for Isis!
In the name of the Old Man, The Kid, and the Spook, Amen.
Instant shaman - add one drum and beat slowly.
Jesus loves you. Then again, so does Barney.
Jesus Saves... Passes to Moses. Shoots... He SCORES!
That was Zen; this is Tao.
Religion is for those who fear hell, Spirituality is for those who have been there...
Sometimes we turn to God when our foundations are shaking, only to find out it is God who is shaking them
I always liked working with the Priests that drank the wine during mass. They were the easiest to work with.
Sects, sects, sects. Is that all you monks ever think about?
The Bible tells us to love our neighbours, and also to love our enemies, probably because they are generally the same people.
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
"To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."
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| Posted by Star Shine on 13-Aug-2005 | Norm Peterson's Famous Quotes (from TV's 'Cheers')Norm Peterson's Famous Quotes (from TV's 'Cheers')
--------------------------------------------------
'Can I draw you a beer, Norm ?'
'No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one.'
'How's a beer sound, Norm?'
'I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in.'
'What's shaking, Norm?'
'All four cheeks and a couple of chins.'
'What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?'
'Going Down?'
'What's new, Normie?'
'Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach and they're
demanding beer.'
'What'll it be, Normie?'
'Just the usual, Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel.'
'What would you say to a beer, Normie?'
'Daddy wuvs you.'
'What'd you like, Normie?'
'A reason to live. Give me another beer.'
'What'll you have, Normie?'
'Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a
glass of whatever comes out of that tap.'
'Looks like beer, Norm.'
'Call me Mister Lucky.'
'What'd you say, Norm?'
'Any cheap, tawdry thing that will get me a beer.'
'What would you say to a beer, Norm?'
'Hiya, sailor. New in town?'
(Coming in from the rain)
'Evening, everybody.'
Everybody: 'Norm!'
'Still pouring, Norm?'
'That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing.'
'Whaddya say, Norm?'
'Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink.'
'Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?'
'Like a baby treats a diaper.'
'Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?'
'No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass.'
'How's life treating you?'
'It's not, Sammy, but you can.'
'What's the story, Mr. Peterson?'
'The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy
ending.'
'Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.'
'I know. If she calls, I'm not here.'
'Beer, Norm?'
'Have I gotten that predictable? Good.'
'What's going on, Mr. Peterson?'
'A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.''
'Hey Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?'
'Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?'
'What's going on, Mr. Peterson?'
'Another layer for the winter, Wood.'
'Whatcha up to, Norm?'
'My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.'
'How's it going, Mr. Peterson?'
'Poor.'
'I'm sorry to hear that.'
'No, I mean pour.'
'How's life treating you Norm?'
'Like it caught me sleeping with its wife.'
'Women. Can't live with 'em....pass the beer nuts.'
'What's going down, Normie?'
'My butt cheeks on that bar stool.'
'Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?'
'Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty.'
'How's it going, Mr. Peterson?'
'It's a dog eat dog world, Woody, and I'm wearing
Milk Bone underwear.'
'What's the story, Norm?'
'Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer.'
'How's about a beer, Norm?'
'That's that amber sudsy stuff, right?
I've heard good things about it!'
'What's going on, Mr. Peterson?'
'The question is 'what's going in, Mr. Peterson?'
A beer please, Woody.'
'Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?'
'A little early isn't it, Woody?'
'For a beer?'
'No, for stupid questions.'
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| Posted by Nathan Burns on 07-Aug-2005 | I think men who have a pierced ear are better...I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Rita Rudner
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| Posted by sam bobi on 14-Aug-2005 | Best Things Ever Said~Sex is the most fun you can have without smiling.
~Sex is nobody's business except for the three people involved.
~Your chances of getting hit by lighting go up if you stand under a tree,
shake your fist at the sky, and say, "Storms suck!"
~If homosexuality were normal God would have created Adam and Bruce.
~Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
~France is a country where the money falls apart and you can't tear the
toilet paper.
~Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.
~Groundhog Day has been observed only once in Los Angeles because when the
groundhog came out of its hole, it was killed by a mud slide.
~I hate people who keep dogs. They are the cowards that are afraid to bite
people themselves.
~Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy, wealthy and dead.
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| Posted by jarmo two on 07-Aug-2005 | It is not true that life is one damn thing...It is not true that life is one damn thing after another.
It's one damn thing over and over.
- Edna St. Vincent Millay
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| Posted by Carla J. Hicks on 14-Aug-2005 | Groucho Marx's Best LinesWho are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Room service? Send up a larger room.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool
you. He really is an idiot.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed
with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?
You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to
get rid of it.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got into my pyjamas
I'll never know.
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.
I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody
turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is probably
more than she ever did.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of
you than you do!
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce
and so will my wife.
Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And
east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them
like apple- sauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now,
uh... Now you tell me what you know.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment
when you came along.
Whatever it is I'm against it.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too
dark to read.
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
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| Posted by Tommy Fischer on 14-Aug-2005 | Another Steven Wright QuoteI'm having amnesia and de ja vu at the same time. Now I'm
forgetting things all over again.
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| Posted by Raymond N. Kostowski on 13-Aug-2005 | Problem solving quotes1. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
2. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
4. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
6. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking good either.
7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, 'Where the heck is the ceiling?!'
12. My Reality Check bounced.
13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
14. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
17. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
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| Posted by Awkward on 14-Aug-2005 | More truths...Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-o to a tree.
There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to
look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it
is that wrinkles don't hurt.
Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an
aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant
atmosphere...and let the air out of their tires. -Dorothy Parker
Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment
is due.
Families are like fudge...mostly sweet with a few nuts.
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the
toy.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need
baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car.
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and
wonder what else you can do while you're down there
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| Posted by Ha N. Vu on 14-Aug-2005 | The RollercosterSex is like a rollercoster, when it's good you want it to last for longer,
when it's bad you can't wait to get off.
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| Posted by Alex C on 07-Aug-2005 | I always turn to the sports page first, which...I always turn to the sports page first, which record people's
accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man's failures.
- Chief Justice Earl Warren
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| Posted by Nate M. F on 07-Aug-2005 | "One of the curious effects of a bad hangover..."One of the curious effects of a bad hangover is that
you think you're wrong whether you are or not.
Not wrong in particulars,
but wrong in general, wrong about everything."
- Jim Harrison
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| Posted by Sumit W. Khan on 07-Aug-2005 | "I squeezed that sperm till a strange sort..."I squeezed that sperm till a strange sort of insanity came over me"
- Herman Melville
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| Posted by amanda j. tanner on 07-Aug-2005 | Society is like a stew....Society is like a stew.
If you don't keep it stirred up,
you get a lot of scum on top.
- Edward Abbey
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| Posted by Amanda Bennett on 14-Aug-2005 | 50 actual newspaper headings(collected by actual journalists)
1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies in House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84
30. War Dims Hope for Peace
31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
35. Deer Kill 17,000
36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
50. Air Head Fired
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| Posted by Acer on 14-Aug-2005 | Food PoisoningI got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
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| Posted by Elana on 14-Aug-2005 | Amendment 6In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a
speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the state and district
wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have
been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and
cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against
him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor,
and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense.
- The Constitution of the United States of America Amendment 6, 1791
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| Posted by Dr.16 on 07-Aug-2005 | "Sometimes when I'm sitting in my car at a..."Sometimes when I'm sitting in my car at a stop light, I imagine myself as
Luke Skywalker, and I close my eyes and concentrate on using The Force.
Sometimes I have to concentrate longer than others, but I know it works,
'cause the light always turns green."
- Troy Peterson
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| Posted by DJ Kooney on 14-Aug-2005 | Baby ShowerI took a baby shower once. It left my skin baby soft.
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| Posted by Kayla Phillips on 13-Aug-2005 | Useful Work Phrases1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
13. No, my powers can only be used for good.
14. How about never? Is never good for you?
15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
16. You sound reasonable . Time to up my medication.
17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message .
19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
25. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
26. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
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