I'd Love to But

• I want to spend more time with my blender.
• The man on television told me to say tuned.
• It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
• I'm building a pig from a kit.
• I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
• There's a disturbance in the Force.
• I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
• I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
• I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
• I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
• My plot to take over the world is thickening.
• I have to fulfill my potential.
• It's too close to the turn of the century.
• I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
• I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
• I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
• I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
• I'm trying to be less popular.
• I have to study for a blood test.
• I have to rotate my crops.
• I prefer to remain an enigma.
• I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.

Thoughts

• Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars, and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it.
• How come SUPERMAN could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
• If it was only a 3 hour cruise, why did MRS. HOWELL have so many clothes?
• Why does SOUR CREAM have an Expiration date?
• Do infants have as much fun in their infancy as adults do in adultery?
• Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
• Why do we wait until a PIG is dead, to "CURE" it?
• Why do we wash BATH TOWELS--aren't we clean when we use them?
• Why doesn't GLUE stick to the inside of the bottle?
• Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
• What do little birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious?
• If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
• Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
• When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
• What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
• Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
• If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
• If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
• Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
• Atheism is a nonprophet organization.
• If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
• Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.
• Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
• Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
• On the other hand, you have different fingers.
• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
• If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

Some of Dangerfield's Best One-Liners

• A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.
• If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all.
• And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have nothing to play with.
• During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
• One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy .... Hey buddy .... why are you doing that for? He said ...Because you came home early.
• Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
• When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
• I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
• My mother never breast fed me.She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
• My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
• When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father .... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ....but he pulled through.
• My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
• I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
• Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him ..... do you think we'll ever find them? He said ...I don't know kid .... there are so many places they can hide.
• On Halloween .... the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year... one kid tried to rip my face off! Now its different...when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.
• My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
• I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.
• I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me? He said... I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.
• My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said .... Alright.... you're ugly too!
• When I was born the doctor took one look at my face ... turned me over and said. Look ... twins!
• I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

Some Humor

• A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
• Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
• You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
• My grandmother's 90; she's dating a man 93. They never argue: they can't hear each other.
• At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative.
• I have my 87th birthday coming up, and people ask me what I'd most appreciate getting. I tell them: a paternity suit. (George Burns)
• As I grow older and older, And totter toward the tomb, I find that I care less and less, who goes to bed with whom. (Dorothy Sayers)
• Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
• Be nice to your children, for they will choose your rest home. (Phyllis Diller)
• Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is not.
• Don't take life so seriously ... it's not permanent.
• Despite the cost of living, it's still quite popular.
• The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a girl like a book, your library card has expired. (Milton Berle)
• Experience teaches you to recognize a mistake when you've made it again.
• If you're old enough to know better, you're too old to do it.
• The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
• Time wounds all heels.
• You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
• You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
• You're getting old when tying one on means fastening your Medic Alert bracelet.
• You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent, and you don't know till the 4th of July.
• You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.
• You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
• I'm getting just like my great-grandchildren -- wearing diapers and using a walker.
• The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
• Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
• It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
• You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
• Death is not the end; there remains the litigation over the estate.
• My uncle reads the obits every day. He can't understand how people always die in alphabetical order.
• Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

Not Too Bright...

• Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
• Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
• She's from the shallow end of the gene pool.
• A room temperature IQ.
• Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.
• A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
• A prime candidate for natural deselection.
• Bright as Alaska in December.
• Nearly as bright as a one celled organism.
• Donated his body to scientists... Before he was done using it.
• Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
• He's so dense, light bends around him.
• If brains were taxed, she'd get a rebate.
• If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
• If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.
• If you stand close enough to her, you can hear the ocean.
• One neuron short of a synapse.
• Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but she just gargled.
• Takes him 1.5 hours to watch "60 Minutes".
• Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
• Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

You Know You're From Northern New York When...