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| Posted by Darrick R. Adams on 14-Aug-2005 | If 99.9% Were Good Enough, then ...Two million documents will be lost by the IRS this year.
11,000 faulty rolls of 35mm film will be loaded this year.
22,000 checks will be deducted from the wrong bank accounts in the next 60 minutes
1,314 phone calls will be misplaced by telecommunication services every minute.
12 babies will be given to the wrong parents each day.
268,500 defective tires will be shipped this year.
14,208 defective PCs will be shipped this year.
103,260 income tax returns will be processed incorrectly this year.
2,488,200 books will be shipped in the next 12 months with the wrong cover.
5,517,200 cases of soft drinks produced in the next 12 months will be flatter than a bad tire.
Two plane landings daily at O'Hare International Airport in Chicago will be unsafe.
3,065 copies of tomorrow's Wall Street Journal will be missing one of the three sections.
18,322 pieces of mail will be mishandled in the next hour.
291 pacemaker operations will be performed incorrectly this year.
$9,690 will be spent today, tomorrow, next Thursday, and every day in the future on defective, often unsafe sporting equipment.
55 malfunctioning automatic teller machines will be installed in the next 12 months.
20,000 incorrect drug prescriptions will be written in the next 12 months.
114,500 mismatched pairs of shoes will be shipped this year.
$761,900 will be spent in the next 12 months on tapes and CDs that won't play.
107 incorrect medical procedures will be performed by the end of the day today.
315 entries in Webster's Third New International Dictionary of the English Language will turn out to be misspelled.
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 16 Worst-Selling Hardware Store Items (Part II) |
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| Posted by Hottstufff on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Worst-Selling Hardware Store Items (Part II)16. The Gilbert Gottfried Vibrating Showerhead
15. The Whoopsie Brothers' "WidowMaker" Nonlocking Stepladder
14. Black and Decker Nipple Sanders
13. Lee Press-On Nails
12. Approximo Knives
11. The Black and Decker Power Router with Home Circumcision Attachment
10. "I Can't Believe It's Not Asbestos!"
9. The Limb-Mangler 6500 Wood Chipper ("Bucket O' Coagulant" and "Man, That's Gotta Hurt! Tourniquet" sold separately)
8. Bob Villa's "Lovemaking, Sensitive Man Style" Video
7. Emo Phillips Head Screwdriver
6. Swiss Army Demitasse Spoon
5. Nine Inch Tacks
4. Monkey Wenches
3. "Crackle" buttcrack spackle - "Keeps the weather out!"
2. Tommy Lee Foot-Long Tape Measure
1. The "Make Your Own Fertilizer!" Kit
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| Posted by JonHui666 on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 13 Surprise Oscar Nominations13. Best Supporting Performance -- (TIE) Catherine Zeta Jones's bra in "The Mask of Zorro" and Salma Hayek's bra in "54"
12. Dan Quayle Continuing-Butt-Of-The-Joke Award -- Pauly Shore
11. Best Use of a "Beard" -- Tom Cruise
10. Best Endorsement of Button-Fly Jeans -- Ben Stiller, "There's Something About Mary"
9. Best Attempt to Convince the Public That *Anyone* Actually Watches MSNBC -- "Deep Impact"
8. Excessive Perkiness Most Likely to Cause Diabetes -- Meg Ryan
7. Best Exaggerated Use of Abundant Cleavage -- Jennifer Love Hewitt
6. Special Texas Chainsaw Massacre Memorial Award for Special Effects -- "Saving Private Ryan"
5. Best Ongoing Celebrity Scam -- The accountants from Price-Waterhouse are sad to report that they cannot reveal the winner in this category due to an injunction from the Church of Scientology.
4. Most Improved Appearance When Depicted as a Cartoon Insect -- Woody Allen
3. Best Performance by a Sharpei -- Walter Mathau
2. Most Successful Combination of Male Nightmares in a Movie Title -- "Shakespeare in Love"
1. Best Product Placement -- America Online in "You've Got Mail"
Best Product, um, Placement -- Ben Stiller's goo in "There's Something About Mary"
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 10 Signs You've Watched Too Much Star Trek |
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| Posted by Jon R. Markman on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 10 Signs You've Watched Too Much Star Trek10) You send weekly love letters to the actress who played the Green Skinned Orion Slave Girl in episode number
9.) You pull the legs off your hamster so you'll have a tribble.
8) You tried to join the Navy just so you could serve aboard the Enterprise.
7) Your wife left you because you wanted her to dress like a Klingon and torture you for information.
6) You went to San Francisco to see if you might bump into Kirk and crew while they were in the 20th Century looking for a whale.
5) Your college thesis was a Comparison of the Illustrious Careers of T. J. Hooker and Captain Kirk.
4) You fly into a homicidal rage anytime people say "Star Trek? Isn't that the one with Luke Skywalker?"
3) You have no life.
2) You recognize more than 4 references on this list.
1) You join NASA, hijack a shuttle, and head for the coordinates you calculated for the planet Vulcan.
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():top list jokes (540): Top Twenty Things to do While in a Drive Thru |
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| Posted by vixen on 14-Aug-2005 | Top Twenty Things to do While in a Drive Thru1. Drive through the drive thru in reverse and let your passenger order
2. Ask prices of everything on the menu then order something that you did not ask the price for.
3. Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food through the window.
4. Go to McDonalds and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.
5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped.
6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you are in.
7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window shopping and drive on.
8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.
9. Ask how they fit into that little box.
10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.
11. Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said "May I take your order?"
12. When asked if they can take your order say "No, why can I take yours?"
13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.
14. Pretend like your car broke down. Ask for assistance in moving it. When they come out, drive away.
15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom.
16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it.
17. Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.
18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back with all the trash from your car in it.
19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare.
20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.
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| Posted by Kate Sugar Gal on 14-Aug-2005 | Top Ten Signs You Might Need a New Roommate10.. Has posters of creepy Newsweek covers with "Doe" and "Lewinsky" over his/her bed...
9. Sings the ending to the Flintstones as "an all gay time..."
8 .. Mumbles incoherently to a now green piece of cheddar cheese.
7 .. Frequently looks down at crotch and argues "Lipid, SOLID, Lipid, SOLID...".
6.. His/her toothbrush has tried to make a "run for it".
5.. Claims he had an affair with Bill Clinton and has never left his home state of Montana.
4.. Bought a cage for the dustbunnies and keeps food and water in it for them.
3.. Is the sole attendee for a 12 step program no-one has ever heard of.
2.. Glows when sleeping.
1.. Believes that "up" is relative to the rotation of his home planet.
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