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():funny quotes (263): Imponderable Questions


Posted by caryline kelly on 13-Aug-2005

Imponderable Questions

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the VCR clock work anyway?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

How many times do you use a disposable razor?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

If our knees bent the other way, what would a chair look like?

If superman is so clever, why does he wear his underwear on the outside?

If you are refinishing a table, shouldn't you have to restart?

If you have 24 odds and ends on a table, and 23 fall off, what do you have left, an odd or an end?

If you are cross-eyed and dyslexic at the same time, would see okay?

You know how most well labeled packages say "Open Here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open Somewhere Else"?

When it rains, the sky is completely covered in clouds. How does the rain get through?

When they finish making styro-foam what do they package it in?

When you have your picture taken with Mickey Mouse at Disneyland, does the guy inside the costume smile for the camera? Where can you buy those little plastic ends to put on your shoe laces?

Why are there Interstate Highways in Hawaii?

Why are there floatation device under plane seats, instead of parachutes?

Why do hot dogs come ten to a package and hot dog buns only eight?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive up ATM?

Why does sour cream have a use-by date?

Why does the door bell ring just after you've stepped out of the shower?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called a cargo?

Why is there always one in every crowd? If you took all the ones in every crowd and put them in another crowd, will there be one in that crowd?

Why do we tend to raise our shoulders when we're out in the rain?

Why is it that when You're driving and looking for an address, You turn down the volume of the radio?

Why is it that you see this written on car seat belts:? This seat belt does not offer any protection if it is not buckled up?

Why is the "knee-jerk" response to a paper cut is "Oh, those are the worst kind."? I think getting hacked with a machete would be worse.

Why do they print "serving suggestion" next to the picture of a product on its label?

Why do they print warning labels telling you not to eat poisonous substances when there isn't a "serving suggestion" on the label?


   

8 people have rated this joke:
4.25/10
     

():funny quotes (263): Goofy Sayings


Posted by Dennis's on 13-Aug-2005

Goofy Sayings

Everybody loves some bawdy sometime.

Definitions:
Hale-Bop.........Healthy Fuck
Heaven's Gate....Microsoft Mansion

"Man, that little bastard smells.
No wonder they call him Pooh."
-- Christopher Robin

Marauders 101:
Always remember to pillage & rape BEFORE you burn!

A lady is one who never shows her
underwear unintentionally.
-- American writer, Lillian Day (b. 1893)

Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?
(to some of you twits out there... don't bother
answering this question, IT'S JUST A JOKE!)


   

33 people have rated this joke:
4.21/10
     

():funny quotes (263): Best Things Ever Said


Posted by sam bobi on 14-Aug-2005

Best Things Ever Said

~Sex is the most fun you can have without smiling.

~Sex is nobody's business except for the three people involved.

~Your chances of getting hit by lighting go up if you stand under a tree,
shake your fist at the sky, and say, "Storms suck!"

~If homosexuality were normal God would have created Adam and Bruce.

~Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

~France is a country where the money falls apart and you can't tear the
toilet paper.

~Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.

~Groundhog Day has been observed only once in Los Angeles because when the
groundhog came out of its hole, it was killed by a mud slide.

~I hate people who keep dogs. They are the cowards that are afraid to bite
people themselves.

~Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy, wealthy and dead.

   

6 people have rated this joke:
4.17/10
     

():funny quotes (263): "When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole


Posted by Lorelea on 09-Aug-2005

"When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole

Elaine Boosler
   

3 people have rated this joke:
4.00/10
     

():funny quotes (263): To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's...


Posted by Jocky on 07-Aug-2005
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's...
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.
- J. Handy

   

3 people have rated this joke:
4.00/10
     

():funny quotes (263): Food for Thought


Posted by Jo Smith on 14-Aug-2005
Food for Thought
"The problem with the designated driver program is it's not a
desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have
fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong
house." --- Jeff Foxworthy

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we
should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants
to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There
should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should
have to find you a temp." --- Bob Ettinger

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better
verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of
that study: -- -- Duh." --- Conan O'Brien

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway
through my fish burger and I realize, oh my God.... I could be
eating a slow learner." ---Lynda Montgomery

"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes
out with a riding vacuum cleaner." --- Roseanne

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in
New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but
it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --- Richard Jeni

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--- Paul Rodriguez

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned
sixty, and that's the law." --- Jerry Seinfeld

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up
quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is
the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" --- Warren Hutcherson

"Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of
Congress...But I repeat myself." ---Mark Twain

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At
least they can find Kuwait." --- A. Whitney Brown

"We have women in the military, but we don't put them in the
front lines. We don't know if they can fight or if they can
kill. I think they can. All the general has to do is walk over
to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say
you look fat in those uniforms.'" --- Elayne Boosler


   

13 people have rated this joke:
4.00/10
     

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