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| Posted by Sam ze Chef on 09-Aug-2005 | In-Flight AccidentEntertainment A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
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| Posted by SexyChic04 on 09-Aug-2005 | Departed GrandmotherA Mexican woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, She responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"
"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"
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| Posted by Nancy P. Lynam on 09-Aug-2005 | Truckers in heavenThree truckdrivers died and went to heaven where they met St. Peter at the gates.
St. Peter says, "I have to ask each of you three simple questions before you can enter the gates to paradise."
So he calls the first driver over and asks his questions. "Have you ever drunk any hard liquor?"
"No."
"Have you ever done any dope?"
"No."
"Well have you ever screwed around with other women?"
"No."
St. Peter points to the left and says, "You stand by that door right over there."
He calls the second guy over and starts; "Have you ever drunk any hard liquor?"
"No, that'd be bad for my health."
"Have you ever done any drugs?"
"No sir, that'd be breaking the law."
"Well have you ever screwed around with any women?" "No way, that'd be breaking one of the ten commandments."
St. Peter says "Allright, stand by your buddy over there." and called the third truckdriver over.
He starts, "Have you ever drunk any hard liquor?"
"Well, I tried not to but I've always been an alcoholic."
"Well! Let me ask you this, Have you ever done any drugs?"
"Why hell yea, how do you think I stay awake to run 20 hours a day, you've got to roll to make the dough."
"Well," St. Peter asks "I've got to know, have you ever scewed around with any women?"
"Ooooooooooweeee; maaaan, there's this dame back in Baltimore that'll suck the chrome off a trailer hitch!"
St. Peter pointed to the right and says "You stand by that door over there."
When the driver asks about the other two guys, St. Peter explains "Your buddies are going to hell; but we're going back to Baltimore!!!"
Edited by Calamjo
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| Posted by Melissa Pena on 09-Aug-2005 | Drunk DriverA female police officer arrests a guy for drunk driving.
While reading him his Miranda Rights, the female officer tells the man: "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say, can and will be held against you."
"Boobs" the drunk replied.
Submitted by Calamjo
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| Posted by Birdshite on 09-Aug-2005 | Pulled overAn elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!"
The patrolman said, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband once again and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman then said, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He said he thinks he knows you!".
Submitted by Calamjo
Editted by Curtis
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| Posted by Lowell E. Parson on 09-Aug-2005 | PoliceA man was recently flying to New York. He decided to strike up a conversation with his seat mate.
"I've got a great policeman joke. Would you like to hear it?"
"I should let you know first that I am a policeman."
"That's OK. I'll tell it really slow!"
Submitted by Curtis
Editted by Calamjo
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