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| Posted by Sexbabe on 14-Aug-2005 | Iowa Farmer Goes to HellAs everyone knows, farmers NEVER go to hell since they are the caretakers
of the Earth. Unfortunately though, an error occurred and Satan found
himself with a new dilemma: what to do with the farmer?
Satan decided that he would treat the farmer as he treats the rest of his
workers, and make him work in the fields. The temperature in hell was 85
degrees with a humidity of 75%. All the workers were complaining about the
heat and the humidity, but not the farmer. The farmer was sitting there
with a happy expression on his face and whistling a favorite hymn. This
made Satan irate, and Satan went to the farmer and asked, "why are you not
complaining like the rest of the workers?" The farmer responded in
delight, "these conditions remind me of when I was a lad and I was working
in the fields in June with my daddy back in Iowa."
In a rage, Satan decided to turn the temperature up to 100 degrees, and
have the humidity at 90%! The rest of the workers were swearing up a storm
and the farmer continued to whistle his favorite hymn. Satan, more furious
than ever now went up and demanded the farmer to tell him why he was still
joyful. The farmer replied, "Well, this reminds me of a late day in August
bailing hay with my boys back on our farm in Iowa." Satan was stumped. He
was so mad, but he did not know what to do.
Then the thought came to Satan. Satan decided to turn the temperature down
to five degrees. The temperature made the workers shiver in anger. Not the
farmer though. The farmer was screaming and dancing; he even did a cart
wheel. Satan, in anger screamed at the old man and said, "how can you
still be so happy even when it is so miserable here?" The farmer
responded, "Well, hell just froze over, you know what that means?"
"The Cyclones just beat the Hawkeyes!"
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| Posted by Justin R. Bunke on 13-Aug-2005 | Q)Why did the football coach go to the bank?...Q)Why did the football coach go to the bank?
A)Cuz he wanted his quarter back
By:Dean DeMartinis
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| Posted by Shaukat Ali Ansari on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Dennis Miller Monday Night Football Quotes (Part I)
14> "Of *course* he needs to renegotiate his salary -- the guy buys more snow than Seward did when he bought Alaska from the Russians."
13> "I haven't seen anyone rely on the ground game this much since the battle of Verdun."
12> "The quarterback's spending so much time behind the center that he may jeopardize his right to lead a Boy Scout troop."
11> "I've seen women pee standing up with better aim."
10> "Somebody call Janet Reno -- I think I just saw Donato dragging Doug Flutie into a locker room closet!"
9> "That field goal attempt was so far to the left it nearly decapitated Lyndon LaRouche."
8> "I haven't seen someone so overmatched since Mike Tyson tried to recite the alphabet."
7> "Hey, Cunningham -- Andy Warhol called. You're at 14:55 and we're tickin' big-time here, Chachi."
6> "He lasted about as long as the dessert tray at Rosie O'Donnell's house."
5> "Hey Deion, Bubbelah -- maybe you'd better pay a little less attention to those unfairly Draconian salary caps that only allowed you to acquire four of the five remaining 1932 Aston Martins still in road-worthy condition after you'd paid for life's little necessities like hookers and weed, get your medulla oblongata out of your duodenum for a few milliseconds, and make a tackle or two, okay, Babe?"
4> "When the hell is Warren Moon going to retire? I mean, this guy is older than the cuneiform in Nebuchadnezzar's tomb."
3> "That punt was higher than Marion Berry on a fact-finding tour of Cartagena."
2> "Nervous? He's tighter than Pat Buchanan's sphincter muscle at a 4th of July soiree on Fire Island."
1> "Warner had more hands in his face than an OB-GYN delivering Vishnu's triplets!"
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Jessika on 14-Aug-2005 | The WNBAYou: Want to hear a joke?
He/she: Sure.
You: The WNBA.
You: Want to hear another joke?
He/she: Sure.
You: Competitive WNBA.
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| Posted by Valley Canuck on 11-Aug-2005 | For Atlanta Falcon Fans!A new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil. The devil told his demon to put the man to work on a rock pile with a 20-pound sledge hammer in 95 degree heat with 95% humidity.
At the end of the day, the devil went to see how the man was doing, only to find him smiling and singing as he pounded rocks. The man explained that the heat and hard labor were very similar to those on his beloved farm back in Georgia.
The devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120 degrees, with 100% humidity. At the end of the next day, the devil again checked on the new man,and found him still happy to be sweating and straining. The man explained that it felt like the old days, when he had to clean out his silo in the middle of August on his beloved farm back in Georgia.
At that, the devil told his demon to lower the temperature for this man to -20 degrees with a 40 mph wind. At the end of the next day, the devil was confident that he would find the man miserable. But, the man was instead singing louder than ever,twirling the sledge hammer like a baton. When the devil asked him why, he was so happy, the man answered,
"Cold day in hell, the Falcons must be in the SuperBowl!"
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| Posted by fishpie on 11-Aug-2005 | Good Luck FrogGood Luck Frog
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron". The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron". He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow, that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's, "Ribbit Lucky frog". The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?," the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood". The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,"OK where to next?". The frog replies,"Ribbit Las Vegas". They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette". Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks,"What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6". Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, gee, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful". The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me". He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss,the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year old girl. And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room so help me God.
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| Posted by Glor on 11-Aug-2005 | Celebrity Golf MatchStevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Stevie mentions that they ought to get together and play a few holes.
"You play golf?!" asks Jack.
Stevie says, "Yes, I have been playing for years."
"But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you are blind?" Jack asks.
"I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice," explains Stevie.
"But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wondered.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice."
Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?"
"Well, I play off scratch," Stevie assures Jack. Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime."
Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."
Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?"
Stevie replies "I don't care - any night next week is OK with me."
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| Posted by Katiekate m. Star on 10-Aug-2005 | WitchcraftIn primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and
yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called
golf.
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| Posted by Derek Nastase on 10-Aug-2005 | MancunianQ: What do you call a Mancunian with no arms and legs?
A: Trustworthy.
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| Posted by jacob l. sams on 12-Aug-2005 | Yankee Hater 1Q: What has 400 feet and 3 teeth?
A: The first row of the bleachers at Yankee Stadium.
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| Posted by Teresa Jeffries on 11-Aug-2005 | Drunk CheerleaderMichael Irvin was complaining to Calvin Williams about his first trip to the Super Bowl and how hard it was to get any sleep the night before the big game. "I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by a drunk cheerleader banging on the door and screaming," he recalled.
"That's terrible," said Williams. "How'd you ever get any sleep?"
"At five o'clock I finally unlocked the door and let her out," replied Irvin.
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| Posted by Vortex on 11-Aug-2005 | Hunting Trip.Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest.
The first has no arms.
The second no legs.
And the third has no body, just a head.
They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool.
The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.
He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my freakin' ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some idiot puts a swimming cap on me!"
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| Posted by Green Hornet on 14-Aug-2005 | Cup Final FanIts cup final day at wembly, Manchester Utd Vs Liverpooland &
Pete is dissapointed with his seat as he misses Manchester's
First goal and his view was blocked from Liverpools goal by a
bald mans head. At the Half Hour mark, Pete looks down at the
front row and spots an empty seat . He walks down and sits in
the seat. "What a great seat! why would you buy a seat like this
and not turn up?" the man replys "the seats mine, i bought it
for my wife but she died on wednesday so i am here alone. it is
the first final without her for 35 years." "Couldn't you have
given the ticket to a son or daughter then?" asks Pete. The Bald
man replys "Oh No. They are all at the funeral!"
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| Posted by mooseman on 14-Aug-2005 | Randy Moss JokeWhat is the difference between Randy Moss and a dollar.
You can get four quarters out of a dollar.
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| Posted by nate f. gayfag on 10-Aug-2005 | Caddy jokesGolfer: Notice any improvement since last year?
Caddy: Polished your clubs, didn't you?
Golfer: Why do you keep looking at your watch?
Caddy: This isn't a watch, sir. It's a compass.
Golfer: The doctor says I can't play golf.
Caddy: Oh, he's played with you, too, huh?
"Caddy, why didn't you see where that ball went?"
"Well, it doesn't usually go anywhere, Mr. Smith. You caught me off guard."
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| Posted by DJ Kooney on 12-Aug-2005 | Saddam is still aliveFollowing the most recent coalition bombing raid Saddam appeared in a videoed address to the Iraqi people:
\"...and to prove I am still alive I will say the Liverpool played shite on Saturday\".
A spokesman for the British Goverment said \"That proves nothing - it could have been recorded months ago\".!
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| Posted by Arjun Landes on 10-Aug-2005 | Captain HookHow did Captain Hook die?
Jock itch.
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| Posted by Some One on 14-Aug-2005 | Gone Fishin'A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department
store. In fact, it was the biggest store in the world - you could get
anything there.
The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"
"Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad. The boss liked the
cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you
when we close up.
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came
around.
The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"
"One" said the young salesman.
"Only one" blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale worth?"
"One hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars" said the
young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well," said the salesman, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish
hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him
a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where
he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably
need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that
twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen
probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department
and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that
to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"
"No," answered the salesman. "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his
wife and I said to him,"Your weekend's fucked, you may as well go fishing."
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| Posted by toby666 on 14-Aug-2005 | Wish to Build a WallThere's a Chelsea fan, a Manchester Utd and a Liverpool fan
walking along a beach. The Chelsea fan trips over something half
buried in the sand. Sure enough, in true joke fasion, it's a
magic lamp, and the Chelsea fan rubs it. Poooof! A genie appears
and grants him 3 wishes. He decides to give his friends a wish
each and the Chelsea fan goes first.
"We've had a ban run in Europe this season so next year, I want
to qualify for the Champions League and win it."
A click of the genie's fingers and the wish is duly granted.
Next it's the Manc's turn.
"Right, our kid.", he says to the genie," I want a fucking great
big wall all the way around Manchester to keep those Scouse
bastards out!"
"Granted!" booms the genie, and the wall appears around
Manchester.
Finally, the Scouser steps up and asks, "This wall...how high is
it?"
"200 feet high" answers the genie.
"Any doors in it" continues the quizical Liverpool fan.
"Nope."
"Windows?"
"Nope."
"Right!", says the Scouser, "Flood the Bastard!"
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| Posted by rebekah on 10-Aug-2005 | He's so fastIs your new striker fast?'
`Is he fast? He's so fast, the rest of the team have to run twice as fast just
to keep up with him!'
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| Posted by mark m. miller on 10-Aug-2005 | Goalkeeper's favourite snackWhat is a goal keeper's favorite snack?
Beans on post!
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| Posted by Eddi J. Mur on 10-Aug-2005 | Dead DuckThree men go duck hunting one day. Two of them are inundated with stories from
the third about his "great" duck hunting abilities. After a few hours the first
two men have bagged a couple of ducks each, but the braggart hasn't taken a
shot. They question him on this, so he agrees to show his shooting abilities at
the next opportunity.
A few moments later, one lone duck comes flying by. As promised, the braggart
stands up and squeezes off one shot. The duck keeps flying!
"Gentlemen, you have just witnessed a miracle," says the braggart pointing at
the receding duck, "for there flies a dead duck."
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| Posted by Luna on 11-Aug-2005 | Slow GolfTwo men were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course. They didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.
After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through."
He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around, and came back, explaining, "I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress! Maybe you'd better go talk to them."
The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back and said: "Small world."
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| Posted by Ben Hadden on 11-Aug-2005 | The Worst Golf FoursomeWhat is the worst golf foursome?
O.J. Simpson, Ted Kennedy, Monica Lewinski, and Bill Clinton.
Why?
O.J. Slices, Kennedy can't go near the water, Monica hooks, and Bill does not know what hole he is on.
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| Posted by Tr Howes on 11-Aug-2005 | Suggestions for Guys...Suggestions for Guys Playing Golf or Using a Public Bathroom
10. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
9. Form a loose grip.
8. Keep your head down.
7. Avoid a quick backswing.
6. Stay out of the water.
5. Try not to hit anyone.
4. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
3. Don't stand directly in front of others.
2. Quiet please!... while others are preparing to go.
1. Don't take extra strokes.
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| Posted by El Wil on 11-Aug-2005 | Four GentsThese four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.
"My son," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the homebuilding industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage. And in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out, he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's a practicing homosexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."
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| Posted by Parsa Fattahi on 11-Aug-2005 | Lucky FrogA man takes the day off of work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron"
The man looks round and doesn't see anyone so he tries again. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits a birdie. He is shocked.
He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit, Lucky frog. Lucky frog." The man decided to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?", the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." was the reply.
The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "Ok where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit Las Vegas".
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "Ok frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette". Upon approaching the roulette table the man asks," what do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000 black 6." Now, this is a million to one shot that this would win but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me".
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it.
All of a sudden the frog turns into the most gorgeous 16 year old girl in the world.
And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room".
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| Posted by Misy on 11-Aug-2005 | Special BallA golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!"
The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?"
"It's a special golf ball," says the salesman. "You can never lose it!"
"Whattaya mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?"
"No problem," says the salesman. "It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it."
"Well, what if you hit it into the woods?"
"Easy," says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed."
"Okay," says the golfer, impressed. "But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?"
"No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!"
The golfer buys it at once. "Just one question," he says to the salesman. "Where did you get it?"
"I found it."
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| Posted by jeanine k. kivimaki on 11-Aug-2005 | SliceJoe, a notoriously bad golfer, hits his ball off the first tee and watches as it slices to the right and disappears through an open window. Figuring that's the end of it, he gets another ball out of his bag and plays on. On the eighth hole, a police officer walks up to Joe on the course and says, "Did you hit a golf ball through a window back there?"
Joe says, "Yes I did."
"Well," says the police officer, "it knocked a lamp over, scaring the dog, which raced out of the house onto the highway. A driver rammed into a brick wall to avoid the dog, sending 3 people to hospital. And it's all because you sliced the ball."
"Oh my goodness," says Joe, "is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is," the cop says... "Try keeping your head down and close up your stance a bit."
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| Posted by ASS HOLE on 11-Aug-2005 | Scuba Divers, TheTwo scuba divers surface after a long, deep dive. As their heads pop out of the water, a squad of jets (called Buccaneers in South Africa) flies low above their heads. The one diver puts his hands over his ears and shouts, "It's those Buccaneers!!!"
To which the other replies, "Yeah, mine are hurting too!"
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