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():funny quotes (263): It is not true that life is one damn thing... |
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| Posted by jarmo two on 07-Aug-2005 | It is not true that life is one damn thing...It is not true that life is one damn thing after another.
It's one damn thing over and over.
- Edna St. Vincent Millay
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():funny quotes (263): I spilt spot remover on my dog, now's he gone.... |
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| Posted by Carla J. Hicks on 14-Aug-2005 | Groucho Marx's Best LinesWho are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Room service? Send up a larger room.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool
you. He really is an idiot.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed
with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?
You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to
get rid of it.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got into my pyjamas
I'll never know.
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.
I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody
turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is probably
more than she ever did.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of
you than you do!
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce
and so will my wife.
Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And
east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them
like apple- sauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now,
uh... Now you tell me what you know.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment
when you came along.
Whatever it is I'm against it.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too
dark to read.
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
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| Posted by Tommy Fischer on 14-Aug-2005 | Another Steven Wright QuoteI'm having amnesia and de ja vu at the same time. Now I'm
forgetting things all over again.
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| Posted by Raymond N. Kostowski on 13-Aug-2005 | Problem solving quotes1. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
2. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
4. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
6. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking good either.
7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, 'Where the heck is the ceiling?!'
12. My Reality Check bounced.
13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
14. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
17. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
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| Posted by Awkward on 14-Aug-2005 | More truths...Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-o to a tree.
There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to
look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it
is that wrinkles don't hurt.
Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an
aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant
atmosphere...and let the air out of their tires. -Dorothy Parker
Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment
is due.
Families are like fudge...mostly sweet with a few nuts.
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the
toy.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need
baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car.
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and
wonder what else you can do while you're down there
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