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| Posted by alott fagina penthouse on 09-Aug-2005 | I've shagged yur MumThree guys were drinking in a pub when another man comes in and starts drinking at the bar.
After a while he approaches the lads and, pointing at the one in the middle shouts,
'I've shagged your mother!'
The guys look bewildered as the man goes back to his place at the bar and resumes drinking.
Ten minutes later he comes back and points to the bloke in the middle of the trio and shouts,
'Did you hear me? I've shagged your mother'
Then he goes back to his drink.
A short time later the man comes up again, jabs his finger at the middle bloke and announces for the pub to hear,
'I've shagged your mother, and it was good.'
By now the trio have had enough and the one in the middle shouts,
'Dad, you're pissed. Bugger off home!'
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| Posted by Monnie on 09-Aug-2005 | Drunk driver?A cop waited outside a popular pub hoping to nab a drink-driver.
At closing time, as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry.
The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk.
He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes looking for his car.
After trying his keys on five others, he finally found his own vehicle.
He sat in the car a good 10 minutes as the other pub patrons left.
He turned his lights on, then off.
He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped.
Finally, when his was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.
The cop, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over.
He administered the breathalyzer test and, to his great surprise, the man easily passed.
The cop was dumbfounded.
'This equipment must be broken,' exclaimed the policeman.
'I doubt it,' said the man. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'
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| Posted by Sameo X. Sameo on 09-Aug-2005 | Nice PeanutsA guy walks into a bar and hears this voice say,
'Hey, you're a pretty good-looking guy.'
Upon, further investigation, he realizes that the voice is coming from a bowl of nuts.
So he asks the barman, 'What's this?'
The bartender replies, 'They're complimentary peanuts.'
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| Posted by Frenzy Freek on 09-Aug-2005 | Guiness a real drinkAt a World Brewing Convention in the United States, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conferencing.
Bruce, the boss of Fosters, shouted to the barman,
'in 'Strailya, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a Fosters, cobber.'
Rob, chief of Budweiser, calls out,
'In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all. Give me a pint of Bud.'
Hans steps up next,
'In Germany we invented beer. Give me a Weisen, the real king of beers.'
Up steps Dutchman Jan, chief executive of Grolsch, who states that Grolsch is the ultimate beer and asks for one with two fingers of head on top.
Patrick, the CEO of Guinness, steps forward.
'Barman, give me a coke with ice please.'
The other four stare at him in stunned silence with amazement written all over their faces.
Eventually Bruce asks, 'Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?'
Patrick replies, 'Well, if you bastards aren't drinking, then neither am I'
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| Posted by Grace Littlehales on 09-Aug-2005 | Lone Ranger returnsThe Lone Ranger and Tonto ride into town one dusty, dry, Wild West day and proceed to the first saloon, where they tie up their trusty steeds and head in for a snort.
After a while a stranger walks into the bar and asks, 'Who owns the white horse tied up outside?'
The Lone Ranger said, 'Why, that would be mine. Why do you ask?'
'Because it??™s collapsed and looks like it's dying,' says the stranger.
So the Lone Ranger and Tonto head out to check on Silver.
'He's probably just suffering from the heat,' says the Lone Ranger, who asks Tonto if he could run around Silver for a while to help keep him cool.
The Lone Ranger returns to the bar and after half an hour another stranger walks in and asks, 'Who owns the white horse outside?'
The Lone Ranger says, 'That's mine, what's the problem this time?'
'Oh, no problem,' says the stranger, 'it's just that you've left your injun running.'
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| Posted by Someone Funny on 09-Aug-2005 | World recordsThree leprechauns, Sean, Mick and Kevin, are sitting in the pub getting quietly pissed when Mick shouts out, 'Jaysus, I'm bored wid bein' a feckin' nobody. I'm tinkin' I'll take meself down to de Guinness Book of Records office and get meself entered in de book.'
'What de hell are ye talkin' about, ye eejit? You've dun nuttin' to get in de book for,' says Sean.
'Well, it's me hands, Sean,' Mick says, waving them around. 'I tink dey are de smallest in de world and I'm gonna get meself entered into de book and I'll be world famous.'
The other two agree that they are quite small and they all carry on drinking heartily.
A little while later Kevin pipes up, 'Ya know Mick, if ye can get into de Guinness Book of Records for yer small hands, so can I.'
The other two smirk at each other and Mick says, 'How can ye have de smallest hands in the world if I've got dem, ya bloody fool?'
Kevin replies, 'It's not me hands, Mick, it's me feet,' and he takes his boots to show them. 'I tink dat dey are de smallest feet in de world and I'm gonna get meself entered into de Guinness Book of Records too.'
The other two agree that they are quite small and with that they all go back to their drinking.
Some time later Sean chimes in, 'Well, if youse two can get into de Guinness Book of Records, I can too.'
The others fall about laughing.
'What de feck have you got dats so feckin' interesting?' cries Sean.
'It's me dick,' he says and pulls down his breeches to show them. They both howl with laughter as Sean pulls out his little willy.
'Jaysus, ye've got the best chance of us all, Sean', says Kevin. 'Days the smallest feckin' dick I ever saw,' and with that they all go back to their drinking.
Later on, full to the gills, they are heading home when, out of the corner of his eye, Mick spots the Guinness Book of Records office further down the street.
'Jaysus,' he says, 'I'm gonna go into dat office and I'm gonna get me hands measured' and off he staggers.
Ten minutes later he comes out with a big smile on his face, waving his hands in the air. 'I did it. I did it,' he says. 'I'm in de Guinness Book of Records for de smallest hands in the world. Nobody's got smaller hands dan me,' he says and with that he pushes Kevin forward. '
'Go on, ye eejit. See if ye have de smallest feet in de world. Go on.'
'Feck it. I will,' says Kevin and off he staggers.
Ten minutes later he too comes out with a big smile on his face, kicking his feet in the air.
'Jaysus, I'm famous,' he says. 'I've got de smallest feet in de world. I'm famous, I'm famous.'
With that Sean staggers to the office door. 'I'm gonna get me dick measured,' he says. 'I won't be long.'
The other two are waiting anxiously for Sean to return, but time slips by.
Ten minutes turns into 20 and 20 into 30. No sign of Sean. Forty
minutes go by and the office door opens.
Sean slouches out looking disconsolate. 'Who de feckin' hell is Bill Gates?' he says.
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