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| Posted by Nadia Issa on 14-Aug-2005 | Jesus is Watching YouLate one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was
empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze
in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching
you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward
again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened.
Frantically,he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a
bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching
me?"
"Yes", said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then asked the parrot,
"What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot", sneered the burglar. "What
idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot replied, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler
Jesus."
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| Posted by Ren R. Renford on 14-Aug-2005 | Skiing TripPeter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up
Peter's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few
hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into
a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house
if they could spend the night.
"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the
neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Peter said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the
barn."
Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow's attorney.
He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you
remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to
the house and have sex with her?"
"Yes, I have to admit that I did."
"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."
"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"
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| Posted by Laura Muraska on 14-Aug-2005 | Uneasy WishesA mafia king is lying on his sick bed when he calls in one of his godsons.
"Mikey, get over here," he says, "before I go, I gotta ask you to do me
one favor." "Yes, godfather, anything you ask me I'll do, I worship you
more than anything!"
"OK!" says the old man, "I want you to go to the bathroom and jerk off!"
Feeling uneasy the boy says, "I don't know, it is embarassing." The
old man says, "Who raised you as if you were my kid huh, you can't do it
for me?" The youngster agrees and does the deed, he comes back and says,
"OK I did it." The old man says, "One more request, do it again!" The
boy looks and says, "Why? I just did?" The old man says, "Who gave you
money, clothes, girls, huh? you can't do this little thing for me?" The
boy agrees and goes to do it. He comes back sweating and says "OK,
done!" "One last request, do it one last time! " says the old man. "I
don't understand, why?" says the boy. "Don't ask, Can't you grant a dying
man his last wish?" The boy goes and does it again, he comes back
crawling, barely able to talk, "OK I did it again, but please no more, I
got no more left! "Good!" says the old man, he hands him car keys and
says, "Now drive to the airport and pick up my daughter!"
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| Posted by FISHORDRINKBEER on 14-Aug-2005 | Speed TrapA man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from
Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before
the mountains justbecame too much and he could go no farther. He
stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single
person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and
offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car.
The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the
highway and tied it to his bumper.
He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he
was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he
would slow down. Everything went fine for the first 30 miles.
Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone,
the Corvette pulling the biketook off after the other. A short
distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120
mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the
speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that
he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then
relayed, "...and you're not going to believe this, there is a
guy on a bike honking his horn trying to pass....
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| Posted by Kel on 14-Aug-2005 | Sharing a RoomBy the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was
taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't
care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted
the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the
truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained
in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and
bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine
explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight,
beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
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| Posted by Tiger Lily on 14-Aug-2005 | Satan's soulsThere was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled
up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began
dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,"
said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence.
Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he
thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to
investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for
you." He knew what it was. "Oh, my goodness!" he shuddered, "It's Satan
and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!"
He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come quick!" he said, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St.
Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls." The old man said,
"Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is!"
After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, "One for
you, one for me. One for you, one..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've
been tellin' the truth! Let's see if we can see the Devil himself."
Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see
anything, but they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for
me. And one last one for you. That's all. Let's go get those nuts by the
fence, and we'll be done."
They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy!
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