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| Posted by Nick G. on 11-Aug-2005 | Joke Written By and For RetardsTwo guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm. His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis. "Incredible!," says his friend. "Medical science is amazing."
Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off. Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football. "Incredible!," says his friend. "Medical science is amazing!"
Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head. Well his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached. The next day he goes to see his friend but can't find him. He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, "Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday." The doctor thinks for a minute and says, "Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."
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| Posted by Donald Little on 10-Aug-2005 | Hangover Rating System1 star hangover *
No pain. No real feeling of illness.. Your sleep last night was a mere disco
nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are
able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink
10 bottles of water and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a
Cheeseburger and a side of fries.
2 star hangover **
Slight headache. Don't feel sick, but something is definitely amiss. You may
look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The
coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling
gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Last night has wreaked havoc on
your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanor about the office, you are
costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is
aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.
3 star hangover ***
Definite headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and
so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds
you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the
bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were
in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of coke watching Good Morning with
Richard and Judy. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage
Rolls and a litre of diet coke - yet you haven't peed once.
4 star hangover ****
Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might honk.
You have lost the will to live. Your boss has already lambasted you for being
late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes,
but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving,
(girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars),
your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein
and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of
Moss side secondary school circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one the
following: 1. Home time, 2. A duvet and somewhere to be alone, or 3. A time
machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.
5 star hangover (aka Dante's 4th Circle of Hell) *****
You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually scaring the
employee who sits next to you. Death seems pretty good right now. You can't
focus as your eyes are scrunched up against the overpowering glare from your
computer screen Rancid vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore, staining your
shirt and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of
your mouth, at least you think it's toothpaste crust. You don't give a damn
either way. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva and your tongue is
suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in
your body. Talking is not an option. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and
your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You
should have called in sick because all you can manage to do is breathe....very
gently.
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| Posted by blackcat on 11-Aug-2005 | East Carolina UniversityQ: How many East Carolina University students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but it takes six years!!
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| Posted by mandy on 13-Aug-2005 | Six nasty poemsPOEM # 1
Roses are red, pickles are green
I love your legs and whats between
POEM # 2
I like your style
I like your class
but most of all i like your ass
POEM # 3
Im a cool girl, in a cool town
it takes a real mother fucker to put me down
kissing is a sport
fucking is a game
guys get all the pleasure
girls get all the pain
POEM # 4
The guy says i love you
you believe its true
9 months later,
he says the hell with you
the baby is a bastard
the mother is a whore
all this wouldnt have happened
if the rubber wouldnt have torn
POEM # 5
Sex is when a guys communication
enters a girls information
to increase the population
for a younger generation
do you get the information...
or do you need a demonstration
POEM # 6
Roses are red,
Violets are corney,
When i think of you
Ohh baby i get horney,
Eat me,
Beat me,
Bite me,
Blow me,
Suck me,
Fuck me,
Very slowly,
if you kiss me,
dont be sassy,
Use your tongue
and make it nasty!!!!
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| Posted by Kenny S. Goff on 10-Aug-2005 | Pay AttentionA small bottle containing urine sat upon the desk of Sir William Osler, the
eminent professor of medicine at Oxford University. Sitting before him was a
class full of young, wide-eyed medical students, listening to his lecture on the
importance of observing details. To emphasise his point, Sir Osler announced,
"This bottle contains a sample for analysis. It's often possible by tasting it
to determine the disease from which the patient suffers."
He then dipped a finger into the fluid and brought it into his mouth. He
continued speaking, "Now I am going to pass the bottle around. Each of you
please do exactly as I did. Perhaps we can learn the importance of this
techinque and diagnose the case."
The bottle madeit's way from row to row, each student gingerly poking his
finger in and bravely sampling the contents with a frown.
Dr. Osler then retrieved the bottle and startled his students by saying,
"Gentlemen, now you will understand what I mean when I speak about details. Had
you been observant, you would have seen that I put my INDEX FINGER in the bottle
but my MIDDLE FINGER into my mouth!"
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