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| Posted by Alycia Dufresne on 13-Aug-2005 | Just Like HomeAn ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. Until the boat sank. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing ... only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months he is lying on the beach one day, when the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen rows up to him.In disbelief, he asked her: 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'
'I rowed from the other side of the island,' she said, 'I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'
'Amazing,' he said, 'You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you.'
'Oh, this?' replied the woman 'I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island, the oars were whittled from Gumtree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'
'But-but, that's impossible,' stuttered the man, 'you had no tools or hardware, how did you manage?'
'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman, 'on the South side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware.'
The guy was stunned. 'Let's row over to my place, ' she said. As she docked, the man looked onshore, and nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk Leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven Hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.
As they walked into the house, she said casually 'It's not much, but I call it home. Please do sit down. Would you like a drink?'
'No, no thank you' he said, still dazed, 'can't take any more coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut juice,' the woman replied. 'I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?'
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take A shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom.'
No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. 'This woman is amazing,' he mused, 'what next?'
When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines-strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned him to sit down next to her. 'Tell me,' she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know...' She stared into his eyes.
He couldn't believe what he was hearing! 'You mean?--,' he replied, '-I can check my e-mail from here?'
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| Posted by amy on 12-Aug-2005 | What is...what is black and white and red all the time?
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():nerd jokes (650): Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson |
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| Posted by Aaron R. Whittington on 13-Aug-2005 | The truth about BridgeA cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When asked why she left her last employment, she replied, 'Yes, sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked. They played a game called Bridge, and last night a lot of folks were there. As I was about to bring in the refreshments, I heard a man say, 'Lay down and let's see what you've got.' Another man said, 'I've got strength but no length.' Another man says to the lady, 'Take your hand off my trick!' I pretty near dropped dead just then, when the lady answered, 'You jumped me twice when you didn't have the strength for one raise.' Another lady was talking about protecting her honor and two other ladies were talking and one said, 'Now it's time for me to play with your husband and you can play with mine. Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving, I hope to die if one of them didn't say, 'Well, I guess we'll go home now. This is the last rubber.'
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| Posted by Scn64 on 13-Aug-2005 | Not Bright CustomersThe following are actual stories told by travel agents (and you wonder why US citizens generally score less than the rest of the world on geography)...
- I had someone who wanted to stay at the Bob Newhart Inn in Connecticut. When I explained that the inn was fictional, the customer became very irate and insisted 'I know it is real, I see people check in every week!'
- Also, I really did have someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
- A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, 'would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?'
- I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with 'I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts.' Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, 'Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa.' her response....click.
- A secretary called in looking for hotel in Los Angeles. She gave me various names off a list, none of which I could find. I finally had her fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angeles, and that New Orleans was a suburb of L.A. Worst of all, when I called her back, she was not even embarrassed.
- A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, 'Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state.'
- I got a call from a man who asked, 'is it possible to see England from Canada?' I said, 'No.' He said 'but they look so close on the map.'
- Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay- over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, 'I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time.'
- A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8: 20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am.I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
- A woman called and asked, 'Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?' I said, 'No, why do you ask?' She replied, 'Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?' After putting her on hold for a minute while I 'looked into it' ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
- I just got off the phone with a man who asked, 'How do I know which plane to get on?' I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, 'I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.'
- A woman called and said, ' I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes.' I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, 'Yea, whatever.'
- A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. 'Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.' I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, 'Look, I've been to China 4 times and every time they have accepted my American Express.'
- A woman called to make reservations, 'I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York' The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: 'Are you sure that's the name of the town?' 'Yes, what flights do you have?' replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, 'I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere.' The customer retorted, 'Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!' The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, 'You don't mean Buffalo, do you?' 'That's it! I knew it was a big animal!'
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