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| Posted by ~Stephy~ on 14-Aug-2005 | Keeping the Organ SafeA priest went into the country to pay a visit to a 92 year old church
member he hadn't seen in years. She welcomed him into the parlor. While
she made tea, he looked around and saw a beautiful oak pipe organ with a
cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was half filled with water
and a condom was floating on top. Astonished and shocked, he quickly
turned away. But after tea, his curiosity got the best of him and he asked
her about it. "Oh, yes," she said enthusiastically. "While in town last
year, I found a package on the sidewalk. The directions on the back said
to keep wet and put on your organ to prevent disease. And you know, I
think it works. I haven't had a cold all winter."
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| Posted by Yanie on 14-Aug-2005 | Random Funny Facts* Gilligan of Gilligan's Island had a first name that was only
used once, on the never-aired pilot show. His first name was
Willy.
* Dr. Seuss and Kurt Vonnegut went to college together. They
were even in the same fraternity, where Seuss decorated the
fraternity house walls with drawings of his strange characters.
* The Les Nessman character on the TV series WKRP in Cincinnati
wore a band-aid in every episode. Either on himself, his
glasses, or his clothing.
* John Larroquette of "Night Court" and "The John Larroquette
Show" was the narrator of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre."
* Beelzebub, another name for the devil, is Hebrew for "Lord of
the Flies", and this is where the book's title comes from.
* The term "devil's advocate" comes from the Roman Catholic
church. When deciding if someone should be sainted, a devil's
advocate is always appointed to give an alternative view.
* Before Prohibition, Shlitz Brewery owned more property in
Chicago than anyone else, except The Catholic Church.
* It is believed that Shakespeare was 46 around the time that
the King James Version of the Bible was written. In Psalms 46,
the 46th word from the first word is 'shake' and the 46th word
from the last word is 'spear'.
* In 1986 Danny Heep became the first player in a World Series
to be a designated hitter (DH) with the initials "D.H."
* In the four major US professional sports, (Baseball,
Basketball, Football, and Hockey), there are only seven teams
whose nicknames do not end with an "s" Basketball: The Miami
Heat, The Utah Jazz, The Orlando Magic. Baseball: The Boston Red
Sox, The Chicago White Sox. Hockey: The Colorado Avalanche, The
Tampa Bay Lightning. Football: None.
* In 1963, baseball pitcher Gaylord Perry remarked, "They'll put
a man on the moon before I hit a home run." On July 20, 1969, a
few hours after Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon, Gaylord
Perry hit his first, and only, home run.
* When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at
home to a sellout crowd, the full stadium becomes the state's
third largest city.
* Kermit the Frog is left-handed.
* The lifespan of a tastebud is ten days.
* Non-dairy creamer is flammable.
* The dial tone of a normal telephone is in the key of "F".
* If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep
floating to the top and sinking to the bottom.
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| Posted by Bluey Dinosaur on 14-Aug-2005 | Degrees Fahrenheit60 California residents put on sweaters (if they can find one)
50 Miami residents turn on the heat
45 Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts
40 You can see your breath
California residents shiver uncontrollably
Minnesota residents go swimming
35 Italian cars don't start
32 Water freezes
30 You plan your vacation to Australia
25 Ohio water freezes
California residents weep pitiably
Minnesota residents eat ice cream
Canadians go swimming
20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
New York City water freezes
Miami residents plan vacation further South
15 French cars don't start
Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
10 You need jumper cables to get the car going
5 American cars don't start
0 Alaska residents put on T-shirts
-10 German cars don't start
Eyes freeze shut when you blink
-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
Arkansas residents stick tongue on metal objects
Miami residents cease to exist
-20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you
Politicians actually do something about the homeless
Minnesota residents shovel snow off roof
Japanese cars don't start
-25 Too cold to think
You need jumper cables to get the driver going
-30 You plan a two-week hot bath
Swedish cars don't start
-40 California residents disappear
Minnesota residents button top button
Canadians put on sweaters
Your car helps you plan your trip South
-50 Congressional hot air freezes
Alaska residents close the bathroom window
-80 Hell freezes over
Polar bears move South
Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game
AND AT:
-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets....
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| Posted by Matt S on 14-Aug-2005 | ShoppingA man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl
in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked
for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately
began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we
just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It
won't be long."
Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout
for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother
said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and
then we'll be checking out."
When they got to the checkout stand, the little girls immediately began
to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering
there'd be no gum purchased. The mother patiently said, "Monica, we'll
be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home
and have a nice nap."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to
compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with
little Monica," he began.
The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."
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| Posted by Hallie S. Comet on 14-Aug-2005 | Oh So True1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've
never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is
serious.
8. It is easier to beg forgiveness than get permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government
program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need
the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel
good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of
the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three
weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize
a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the
real world
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| Posted by Lethia E. Edmondson on 14-Aug-2005 | Acid's SongSang to the tune of the alphabet
A b c d lsd, teddy bears are chasing me, green ones, red ones,
white ones too, the one behind me's got my shoe. Shit this
stuff's too strong for me, next time I'll just stick with weed.
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