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| Posted by Niko Tsocanos on 12-Aug-2005 | Kid's Letters to GodDear GOD,
In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation?
-Jane
Dear GOD,
I read the Bible. What does 'begat' mean? Nobody will tell me.-Love, Alison
Dear GOD,
Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?
-Lucy
Dear GOD,
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?
-Anita
Dear GOD,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma
Dear GOD,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now?
-Jane
Dear GOD,
Who draws the lines around the countries?
-Nan
Dear GOD,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil
Dear GOD,
What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything.
-Jane
Dear GOD,
Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother.
-Darla
Dear GOD,
Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -Joyce
Dear GOD,
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway.
Your friend (But I am not going to tell you who I am)
Dear GOD,
Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest.
-Tom L.
Dear GOD,
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. -Bruce
Dear GOD,
If we come back as something - please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her.
-Denise
Dear GOD,
If You give me a genie lamp like Aladin, I will give you anything you want, except my money or my chess set.
-Raphael
Dear GOD,
My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha.
-Danny
Dear GOD,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.
-Larry
Dear GOD,
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. -Sam
Dear GOD,
You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways.
-Dean
Dear GOD,
I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.
-Ruth M.
Dear GOD,
I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying.
-Elliott
Dear GOD,
I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.
-Nan
Dear GOD,
Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best.
-Rob
Dear GOD,
My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they?
-Marsha
Dear GOD,
If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.
-Mickey D.
Dear GOD,
I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible.
Love, Chris
Dear GOD,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea.
Sincerely, Donna
Dear GOD:
The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land you fool." But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. -Eddie
Dear GOD,
I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already.
-Charles
Dear GOD,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool!
-Eugene
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| Posted by SongBird5685 on 12-Aug-2005 | Broken CommandmantsNewly assigned officers at Norfolk Naval Air Station here in Virginia are quite often "adopted" by a family. One such young officer, a Lt. Commander, became an 'Uncle' to the family's little 5 year old daughter.
One Sunday, he asked her what she had learned in Sunday School. Aware of his rank and standing in the service, she beamed and said, "We learned all about the ten commanders, Uncle Joe. They're always broke!"
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| Posted by wet w. willy on 12-Aug-2005 | A Childs' Perspective!A monsoon is a French gentleman.
For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.
Water vapor gets together in a big cloud. When it gets big enough to be called a drop, it does.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they are there.
A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming down. Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
Someday we might discover magnets that can point in any direction.
One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
Blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.
There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the earth because so many people are stomping around there these days.
The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.
I'm not sure how clouds are formed, but clouds know how to do it, and that's the important thing.
The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
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| Posted by Chellie j. tyler on 12-Aug-2005 | Mommy\'s Lil\' HelperLittle Susie was Mommy's helper. She helped set the table when company was due for dinner. Soon, everything was on, Mr. Smythe the guest came in, and everyone sat down.
Then Mother noticed something was missing....
"Susie, dear," she said, "You didn't put a knife and fork at Mr. Smythe's place."
"But, Mommy, I thought he wouldn't need them," explained Susie. "Daddy says he always eats like a horse!"
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| Posted by scotty on 12-Aug-2005 | Poachers\' RevengeThe was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. . .
After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids showed up and they saw his sign: "Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."
Well the kids were bright and not about to risk another watermelon. They ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the sign that the farmer made.
The next day the farmer showed up to look over the field and he noticed to his delight that no watermelons are missing. He was perplexed, however, by a sign next to his. He drove his tractor up to the sign which read: "Now there are two!"
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| Posted by Angel Chick on 12-Aug-2005 | Last CommandmentA Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,- "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife!"
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| Posted by Tracy Leigh on 12-Aug-2005 | Magnet?Mr. Smythe had been giving his second-grade students a short lesson on science. He had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. And now it was question time...
"Class," said he, "My name begins with the letter `M' and I pick up things.... What am I?"
A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother!"
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| Posted by playn on 12-Aug-2005 | Sooner...A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in.
At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
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| Posted by Amanda S. Lonick on 12-Aug-2005 | Country NameThe kindergarten teacher was showing her class an encyclopedia page picturing several national flags. She pointed to the American flag and asked, "What flag is this?"
A little girl called out, "That's the flag of our country."
"Very good," the teacher said. "And what is the name of our country?"
'Tis of thee," the girl said confidently.
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| Posted by Steph Reddin on 12-Aug-2005 | TypistA little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
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| Posted by Kristy M. King on 12-Aug-2005 | Quiet In ChurchSix-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers!"
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| Posted by twatty Wanks on 12-Aug-2005 | LeafA little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"
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| Posted by Timothy J. Russin on 12-Aug-2005 | Excited PreacherThe preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.
After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
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| Posted by willard sunnex on 12-Aug-2005 | Fill Er Up!A 17-year-old girl had just gotten her driver's license and offered to take her mom's car to the gas station. She pulled up to the full-service pumps, and the attendant asked, "What grade, miss?"
"Eleventh!" she replied.
(Did I mention she was also Blonde?)
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| Posted by Po Lai on 12-Aug-2005 | CarpoolingFor the second time in a row, I was forced to impose on the woman with whom I carpooled to our children's soccer practices. I phoned and explained that my husband had the car again, so I wouldn't be able to take my turn.
A few minutes before she was due to pick up my son, my husband showed up. Since it was too late for me to call and say I could drive after all, I asked my husband to hide the car in the garage and to stay inside. I also explained to my son that he shouldn't mention anything about his father's whereabouts.
Unfortunately, my husband forgot and was in front of our house chatting with a friend when my carpool partner arrived. When my son returned from practice, I asked him if she had noticed.
"Yes," he replied, "she asked me which of the two men in front of the house was my father. But don't worry. I told her I didn't know!"
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| Posted by Crazy Chick on 12-Aug-2005 | Ghostly GiggleWhy is it hard for a ghost to tell a lie?
Because you can see right through him.
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| Posted by - illiane - on 12-Aug-2005 | Fascinating Little Johnny!A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, Mary, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'"
Sally raised her hand and said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'"
Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because Johnny was notorious for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him.
Johnny said loudly, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons."
The teacher said, "That was good, Johnny. However, you did not use the word 'fascinate' in your sentence."
Little Johnny continued, "But her boobs are so big, she can only fasten eight!"
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| Posted by demonslayer on 12-Aug-2005 | Didn't make the cut...A few children's books that didn't make the cut:
1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
8. All Cats Go to Hell
9. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
10. Some Kittens Can Fly
11. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
12. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
13. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
14. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
15. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
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| Posted by Happy Hippy Hamster on 12-Aug-2005 | Mom's DictionaryAmnesia: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to become romantic again.
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Family Planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
Feedback: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't fully appreciate the strained carrots.
Full Name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Independent: What we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
Show Off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
Top Bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.
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| Posted by debbie a. pinno on 12-Aug-2005 | Little Johnny on the Farm!Little Johnny wakes up and comes down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," replied little Johnny.
His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, now he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either.
I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning."
Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen.
Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says...
"Are you going to tell him, or should I?
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| Posted by Rebecca E. Borden on 12-Aug-2005 | Playing HouseLittle Johnny and Susie, each five years old, were playing house.
They both decided it was time to get married.
So Little Johnny went to Susie's dad to ask for her hand in marriage.
"Where will you live?" asked Susie's dad, thinking this was cute.
"Well," said Little Johnny, "I figured I could just move into Susie's room. It's plenty big for both of us."
"And how will you live?"
"I get $5 a week allowance and Susie gets $5 a week allowance.
That should be enough."
Getting exasperated since Little Johnny seems to know all the answers,
Susie's dad asked, "And what if little ones come along?"
"Well," said Little Johnny, "we've been lucky so far!"
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| Posted by J. on 12-Aug-2005 | Ready for Parenting? Find out!Here's a sure-fire set of tests to check your parenting abilitites.
This is about as close as you can get to the real deal! :)
MESS TEST - Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST - Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.
GROCERY STORE TEST - Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST - Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST - Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now, dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST - Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00pm, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00am. Set alarm for 5:00 am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
INGENUITY TEST - Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
AUTOMOBILE TEST - Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There! Perfect.
PHYSICAL TEST (Women) - Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.
PHYSICAL TEST (Men) - Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT - Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers!
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| Posted by Dude Man on 12-Aug-2005 | Kid's letters to God...cute!Here's a list of some cute letters kids have written to God:
Dear GOD:
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have? - Jane
Dear GOD:
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. - Larry
Dear GOD:
If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. - Mickey
Dear GOD:
I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. - Nan
Dear GOD:
In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? - Jane
Dear GOD:
I read the Bible. What does "beget" mean? Nobody will tell me. - Love, Alison
Dear GOD:
Are You really invisible or is it just a trick? - Lucy
Dear GOD:
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? Anita
Dear GOD:
Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma
Dear GOD:
Who draws the lines around the countries? - Nan
Dear GOD:
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil
Dear GOD:
What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -Jane
Dear GOD:
Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if You did, then I'm going to fix my brother. - Darla
Dear GOD:
Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. - Joyce
Dear GOD:
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend, (But I am not going to tell You who I am)
Dear GOD:
Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. Tom L.
Dear GOD:
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Bruce
Dear GOD:
If we come back as something else, please don't let me be MaryHorton - because I hate her. - Denise
Dear GOD:
If you give me a genie like Aladdin, I will give You anything You want, except my money or my chess set. - Raphael
Dear GOD:
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. - Sam
Dear GOD:
You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. - Dean
Dear GOD:
I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. Ruth M.
Dear GOD:
I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying - Elliott
Dear GOD:
Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best.- Rob
Dear GOD:
My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they? - Marsha
Dear GOD:
I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. - Love, Chris
Dear GOD:
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it So I bet he stole your idea. - Sincerely, Donna
Dear GOD:
The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land, you fool." But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. - Eddie
Dear GOD:
I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already. - Charles
Dear GOD:
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. That was cool. - Eugene
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| Posted by Greg E. Routh on 12-Aug-2005 | One-liners for kids.Q: What goes TICK-TICK, WOOF-WOOF?
A: A watchdog!
Q: Why do male deer need braces?
A: Because they have "buck teeth!"
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| Posted by Stew pidaso on 12-Aug-2005 | Washing the Dog!Washing The Dog
A young boy, about eight years old, walks into the local grocery store and picks our a huge box of laundry detergent.
The grocer walked over, and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog!"
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said sadly.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog!"
"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle!"
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| Posted by ginageeluv on 12-Aug-2005 | Mommy Dearest!As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy is gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face and tears down her face.
I said, "What's wrong honey?"
Sad and broken up she looked at me and said -
"Mommy, where's my booger?
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| Posted by Jolley E. Watson on 12-Aug-2005 | Real Mothers...Real Mothers . . .
Real Mothers don't eat quiche; they don't have time to makeit.
Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.
Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.
Real Mothers know that dried playdough doesn't come out of shag carpets.
Real Mothers don't want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.
Real Mothers sometimes ask "why me?" and get their answer when a little voice says, "because I love you best."
Real Mothers know that a child's growth is not measured by height or years or grade . . . It is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mom.
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| Posted by Someone Funny on 12-Aug-2005 | Toooooo Cute!A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."
"How did you know that?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied.
"I think it's printed on the bottom!"
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| Posted by Jason Cox on 12-Aug-2005 | 3 babies talking.There were three little babies sitting next to each other in shopping carts in the grocery store check-out line.
The first little baby says, "Ugh, look at this - my mom just bought strained plums!"
The second baby says, "You think that's bad - my mom just bought strained peas!"
And the third baby says... "You think you guys got it bad?
How would you like to share a breast with a guy that smokes cigars!"
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| Posted by Michael Cross on 12-Aug-2005 | Rotweiler and CollieWhat do you get when you cross a Rotweiler with a Collie?
A dog who bites off your arm and go's to get help.
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