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| Posted by Heather R. Winter on 10-Aug-2005 | Latex FactoryA guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products.
At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle
nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber
being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the
needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are
manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop" noise. "Wait a
minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is,
but what's that 'pop' every so often?"
"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the
guide. It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."
"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"
"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"
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| Posted by slider on 10-Aug-2005 | GIRLFRIENDSent by a friend: I'm currently running the latest version of
GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately.I've been running the same
version of DrinkingBuddies1.0 forever as my primary application, and
all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I
hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background
mode and its sound is turned off. However, for the life of me I can'tfind
the switch that turns the sound off. So, I just run them separately, and they
work just fine.
GirlFriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf
program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing
incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I
thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of
conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with
GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend
2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was
right. As soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself. Shortly
after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta.All the bugs were supposed to
be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway.
I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for while. I very
cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and
also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I
discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running
GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has
a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any
other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which
results in the immediate removal of both versions.
The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some
problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure
language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is
too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired
functionality. Also, I've never liked how the GirlFriend Series is totally
object-oriented. A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of
GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident
version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a
year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had
to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has
taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary
reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with
FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 often
prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, even with new Plug-Ins. On top of that, Wife
1.0 came with MotherInLaw 1.0, although he did not
ask for it. This has an automatic pop-up feature he can't control, and it's
impossible to modulate its sound. I suggested that he consider installing
Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first
uninstalling any of the Wife series, Wife will delete all MSMoney files and
crash the system before uninstalling itself. With a purged cache, Mistress
1.0 will never install. The moral of this story is: Know your system's
hardware requirements, software peculiarities and limited range of
compatibilities and do be careful with those alluring upgrades.
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| Posted by Jezz on 10-Aug-2005 | A doctor-it degree.What do you call an advanced degree in sensationalistic journalism?
A doctor-it degree.
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| Posted by Paige Mcclure on 10-Aug-2005 | Teaching makes for a hurried courseWhat's the difference between a well-brushed equine and rapid teaching?
A well-brushed equine is a curried horse while rapid teaching makes for a
hurried course.
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| Posted by Lisa on 10-Aug-2005 | LetterDear Mother and Dad,
It has been three months now since I left for college. I have been remiss in
writing and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not writing before. I
will bring you up to date now, but before you read
on, please sit down. You are not to read further unless you are sitting down,
okay?
Well, then, I'm getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the
concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught
fire shortly after my arrival here is pretty well healed. I only spent two
weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get those sick
headaches once a day.
Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump was witnessed by an
attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the
fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me in
the hospital and since I have nowhere to live because of the burnt-out
dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment. It's really a
basement room, and it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen
deeply in love and are planning to get married.
We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins
to show. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I
know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender
care you gave me when I was a child.
The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has a minor
infection that prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I
carelessly caught it from him. I have bumps all over my
"down there" but this will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am
taking daily. I know that you will welcome him into our family with open arms.
He is kind and although not well educated,he is ambitious. Although he is of a
different race, color and religion than ours, I know your often-expressed
tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by this fact.
Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no
dormitory fire. I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in
the hospital. I am not pregnant. I am not engaged. I do not have a disease
and there is no miscegenation in my
life. However, I am getting a "D" in history and an "F" in science, and I
wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.
Your loving daughter, Kimberly!
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| Posted by Leon P. Steward on 10-Aug-2005 | Teaching Math in...Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his
profit?
Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What
is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M"
of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each
element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots
representing the elements of the set "M". The set
"C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points
than set "M". Represent the set "C" as a subset of set
"M" and answer the following question: What is the
cardinality of the set "P" of profits?
Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your
assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger
makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a
living? Topic for class participation after answering
the question? How did the forest birds and squirrels
feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no
wrong answers.
Teaching Math in 1996:
By laying off 402 of its loggers, a company improves
its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital
gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his
stock options at $80. Assume capital gains are no
longer taxed, because this encourages investment.
Teaching Math in 1997:
A company outsources all of its loggers. They save on
benefits and when demand for their product is down the
logging work force can easily be cut back. The average
logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had 3
weeks vacation, received a nice retirement plan and
medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50
an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?
Teaching Math in 1998:
A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to
its Indonesian subsidiary and lays off the
corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid
half). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the
rest for the spotted owl, and lays off all its
remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the
spotted owl is responsible for the absence of fellable
trees and lobbies Congress for exemption from the
Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exempts the
company from all federal regulation. What is the
return on investment of the lobbying costs?
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