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| Posted by Big Fat ASS on 09-Aug-2005 | Lawyer and DrunkA lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers.
The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is.
"Well" said the drunk, "it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."
"Let me have it" said the lawyer.
Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely. "Yes" he finally said, "it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"
"From my nose" the drunk replied.
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| Posted by Eamonn Collins on 09-Aug-2005 | Whiskey no wormsA man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed.
After years of this the wife wants him to quit, so she gets 2 shot glasses, filling 1 with water the other with whiskey.
She gets him to the table with the glasses and has his bait box there too.
She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey and the worm dies.
She says "so what do you have to say about this experiment?"
He says "IF I DRINK WHISKEY I WON'T GET WORMS!"
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| Posted by colton on 09-Aug-2005 | Round for the houseA drunk walks into a bar and says loudly, "Bartender? A ROUND FOR THE HOUSE, and have one yourself, too!"
The crowd cheers, the bartender pours and passes out the drinks, then knocks back a shot himself.
"That'll be $80 for the round," says the bartender, to which the man replies, "I don't have a plug nickel."
The angry bartender drags the man to the door and roughly throws him into the street.
The next night, the drunk again walks in and says, "Bartender? A ROUND FOR THE HOUSE---and go ahead and have one yourself, too!"
As the crowd cheers, the bartender reasons to himself that no one would come in and do that twice, and that the man probably has the money for the previous night, so he passes out the shots and knocks one back himself.
"Ok, that's $80 for last night, and $63 for tonight,"
The man replies, "I don't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of, sorry to say."
The bartender, enraged at this, smashes the man in the head over and over as he drags him to the door and again throws him roughly into the street.
The next night, amazingly, the bartender hears over his shoulder as he's working, "Bartender? A ROUND FOR THE HOUSE."
Turning around, he can't believe the drunk is back for a third time.
"What, nothing for me this time?"
"Hell no," says the drunk. "You get MEAN when you drink!"
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| Posted by Curt D. Hager on 09-Aug-2005 | Two old drunksTwo old drunks were lapping them up at a bar.
The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."
"So", says the second drunk, "What's yer point?"
"Well", says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"
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| Posted by Champ on 09-Aug-2005 | Lost girlfriendA bartender is preparing to close the bar. He has to ask the last man to leave after staying all afternoon & evening.
The man leaves with no problem. The bartender sweeps up, puts the chairs up, turns out the lights and is just about to lock the door when someone pounds on the door.
He opens the door to find the man who he had just asked to leave standing there.
The drunk says "You have to help me, I can't find my car".
The bartender ask's "Where did you last see it?"
The drunk replies "It was right here on the end of my key".
The bartender realizing that the man was in no condition to drive, told him "come on back in, I'll turn on the lights and call you a cab".
When he got the man inside, he noticed that his fly was open and his pecker was hanging out.
He told the man "Hey, your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out"!!
The drunk looked down in astonishment and screamed "OH NO! First my Car and NOW my Girlfriend!!!!
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| Posted by gamma on 09-Aug-2005 | Neutron in barA neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"
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