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| Posted by Bill C. Schroeder on 14-Aug-2005 | Learn How to Play GolfA woman playing golf was stung by a bee. Afraid she'd have an allergic reaction, she ran back to the clubhouse to find the pro.
Finding him, she says breathlessly, "I've been stung by a bee! What shall I do?"
"Where were you stung?" the pro asks.
"Between the first and second hole!"
"Lady, we gotta work on your stance."
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():sport jokes (950): Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty In Golf But Aren't |
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| Posted by Wreckd on 14-Aug-2005 | Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty In Golf But Aren't10. Nuts...my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter!
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
1. Hold on...I need to wash my balls first.
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| Posted by Akdadevil Bavarian Butchers on 13-Aug-2005 | GolfingThere was this guy who went golfing every Saturday and Sunday. It didn't matter what kind of weather it was, he was hooked on a round of golf on his days off.
One Saturday he left the house early and headed for the golf course, but it was so bitter cold that he decided he wouldn't golf that day and went back home.
His wife was still in bed when he got there, so he took off his clothes and snuggled up to his wife's backside and said, "Terrible weather out there."
She replied, "Yeah, and can you believe my stupid husband went golfing."
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| Posted by jokemeister on 13-Aug-2005 | Scratch GolferTwo women were paired together as partners in a club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time.
After introductions, the first golfer asked, "What's your handicap?"
"Oh, I'm a scratch golfer," the other replied.
"Really!" exclaimed the first woman, suitably impressed that she was paired up with her.
"Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!
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| Posted by Stefani R. Richards on 13-Aug-2005 | The Cowboys under SwitzerBarry Switzer, clearly upset about the Dallas Cowboys' losing record, decides to find out from Steve Mariucci what his secret is. So, Switzer travels up to a 49er practice and asks Mariucci, "Coach, how is it that your team is so good? What's your secret?"
Mariucci responds by calling Steve Young over. "Steve, who's your father's brother's nephew?"
Young answers, "Why coach, that's easy. It's me."
Mariucci turns to Switzer and says, "That's the secret, Barry. A smart quarterback. You've got to have a smart quarterback."
Thinking he's finally got all the tools he needs, Switzer returns to Texas and the Cowboys workout. He promptly calls over Troy Aikman. "Aikman! Who's your father's brother's nephew?" Switzer asks.
Troy looks perplexed, thinks a minute and says, "Coach, can I get back to you after practice on that one?"
Switzer (disgusted) says, "OK."
During practice, Aikman calls over Deion Sanders. "Deion, coach just asked me the weirdest question. Who's your father's brother's nephew?"
Sanders replied, "Duh! That's easy. It's me!"
After practice, Aikman catches up with Switzer. "Coach, I think I've got it. My father's brother's nephew is Deion Sanders."
Switzer (angry) reprimands, "No, No, NO! You idiot!! It's Steve Young!!!"
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| Posted by Eddy on 14-Aug-2005 | Brainless Sports QuotesWho says athletes aren't as intelligent as rocket scientists?
1992 Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."
1987 Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
1982 Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
1996 Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
1981 Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back."
1976 Alex Hawkins, recalling his playing days against Dick Butkus: "Whenever they gave him the game ball, he ate it."
1966 Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries this season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?"
1981 Mike McCormack , coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time."
1966 Red Auerbach, the Boston Celtics' general manager, asked if he had any criticism of Bill Russell's coaching: "He has the players too happy."
1971 Mike Lucci, Detroit Lion linebacker, on his three key interceptions against the Chicago Bears: "Yeah, they gave me the game ball. If they hadn't given it to me, I would have taken it anyway."
1991 Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet."
1986 Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating."
1991 Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker."
1976 Greg Buttle, New York Jet linebacker, explaining his contractual obligations: "They pay me to practice. Sundays I play for free."
1996 Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot."
1991 Jim Colletto, Purdue football coach and former assistant at Arizona State and Ohio State, on his 11-year-old son's reaction after he took the job with the Boilermakers: "He said: 'Gosh, Dad, that mean's we're not going to any more bowl games.'"
1986 LaVell Edwards, BYU football coach and one of 14 children: "They can't fire me because my family buys too many tickets."
1981 Dorothy Shula, on the career dedication of her husband, the Miami Dolphins' coach: "I'm fairly confident that if I died tomorrow, Don would find a way to preserve me until the season was over and he had time for a nice funeral."
1976 Mike Newlin, Houston Rocket guard, after a game his team lost to the New York Nets: "We were the quintessence of athletic atrocity."
1971 Tom Workman, former NBA-ABA basketball player: "They tell you to join the NBA and see all the big cities: New York with all the lights, San Francisco with its night life, San Diego's sunshine. They also say join the ABA and see the U.S.A. Unfortunately, I found this included Steubenville, Ohio; Amarillo, Texas; Elko, Nevada; Cedar City, Utah; and Biloxi, Mississippi."
1966 Jim Camp, George Washington football coach, on why he doesn't use a lonely end: "We train by a parkway, which runs beside a river. If we had a lonely end, he either would be hit by a car or drown."
1976 Hugh Campbell, football coach at Whitworth College in Spokane, Wash., after his team had defeated Whitman 70-30: "It wasn't as easy as you think. It's hard to stay awake that long."
1991 Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
1986 Jeff Kemp, 49ers quarterback, when asked about his rapport with wide receiver Jerry Rice: "Rapport? You mean like, 'You run as fast as you can, and I'll throw it as far as I can?'"
1966 Tom Nissalke, New coach of the NBA's Houston Rockets, when asked, during a question-and-answer session with a group of fans, how he pronounced his name: "Tom."
1991 Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
1976 Abe Lemons, University of Texas basketball coach, when asked if he felt his team should be ranked in the Top Twenty this season: "You mean in the state?"
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