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| Posted by Asheesh Joshi on 09-Aug-2005 | Left it at the pubA man's been drinking at the pub all night. The barman finally says that the bar is closing, so the man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result.
He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the four blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face again.
He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up.
This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting, `So you've been out drinking again!'
'What makes you say that?' he asks, putting on an innocent look
His wife said, 'The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again.'
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| Posted by Wicked Jeff on 09-Aug-2005 | Drunk IrishA man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
'Why, of course,' comes the reply.
The first man then asks, 'Where are you from?'
'I'm from Ireland,' replies the second man.
The first man responds by saying, 'You don't say. I'm from Ireland too. Let's have another round to Ireland.'
'Of course,' replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks, 'Where in Ireland are you from?'
'Dublin,' comes the reply.
'I can't believe it,' says the first man, 'I'm from Dublin too. Let's have another drink to Dublin.'
'Of course,' replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, 'What school did you go to?'
'St Mary's,' replies the second man, 'I graduated in 1962.'
'This is unbelievable,' the first man says. 'I went to St Mary's and I graduated in 1962 too.'
About that time, one of the regulars comes in and sits down at the bar.
'What's been going on?' he asks the barman.
'Nothing much,' replies the barman. 'The O'Malley twins are drunk again.'
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| Posted by Matt J. Kovich on 09-Aug-2005 | BarmenOur lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink,
Thy will be drunk (I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the pub.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we will forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, the bitter and the lager.
For ever and ever.
Barmen.
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| Posted by Marc A. Brekke on 09-Aug-2005 | English drinkingA very British one:
0. Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.
1. Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well being.
2. Beer warming up head. Chips are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.
3. Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while the blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.
4. Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bra. Order half a dozen packets of crisps one by one.
5. Have brilliant discussion with a guy at the bar. Devise a foolproof scheme for winning the lottery. Sort out cricket/tennis/football problems. Agree people are same the world over - except for the bloody French.
6. Feel like a demi-god. Map out rest of life on beer mat. Realize that everybody loves you. Ring up parents and tell them you love them. Ring girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an amazing arse.
7. Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five beer mats and frisbee them to her across the room. Boyfriend asks you outside. You buy him a pint.
8. Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the pub hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.
9. Headache kicks in. Beer tastes off. Send it back. Beer comes back tasting same. Say, 'That's much better.' Fight nausea by trying to play poker machine for 10 minutes before seeing 'out of order' sign.
10. Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four barmen. Talked down by barmen's wives, who you offer to give baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on comer of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.
11. Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realize you are sitting in pub cellar having taken a wrong turn. Vomit. Pass out.
12. Put in taxi by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can't get key in door. Realize you've given address of the local football club. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.
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| Posted by Samantha L. Jones on 09-Aug-2005 | 3 pints pleaseAn Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The barman asks him,
'You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'
The Irishman replies,
'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America and the other's in Australia and I'm here in Dublin.
When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together'
The barman admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way, ordering three pints and drinking them in turn.
One day he comes in and orders only two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says,
'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.'
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.
'Oh no,' he says. 'Everyone's fine. I've just given up drinking.'
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| Posted by Paul Lai on 09-Aug-2005 | Drink For The WomenOne day this big, nasty, sweaty woman wearing a raggedy sleeveless sundress walks into a bar.
She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, 'What man out there will buy a lady a drink?'
The whole bar goes dead silent as the patrons try to ignore her.
At the end of the bar, a skinny little piss head slams his hand on the bar and says, 'Barman, I want to buy that ballerina a drink.'
The barman pours the drink and the woman chugs it down.
After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the throng and points around at all of them, again revealing the hairy armpit, saying,
'What man out there will buy a lady a drink?'
Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and slurs to the barman, 'Sir, I would like to buy the ballerina another drink.'
After serving the lady her second drink, the barman approaches the little drunkard and says, 'It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?'
To which, the drunk replies, 'Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina.'
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