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Liberace

How many pianos did Liberace have?

No one knows. We just know he had organs up the ass.

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	():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Other Grave Mistakes Martha Stewart Has Made

Posted by Caleb J. Pering on 14-Aug-2005

The Top 15 Other Grave Mistakes Martha Stewart Has Made

15> Put out a plate of Girl Scout cookies at her 11th birthday party, then told everyone she'd spent all morning baking.

14> Failed to have her people whack Cybill Shepherd before she could star in that terrible NBC biopic.

13> Dressed a 7-Eleven hot dog with Grey Poupon and mango salsa.

12> Didn't use the melon baller on her weaselly little stockbroker when she had the chance.

11> Tarragon in bouillabaisse? ARE YOU *MAD*, WOMAN?!?

10> On one occasion, in a momentary lapse, allowed her cold stare to rise to above 32 degrees.

9> Dedicated an entire show to sphincter-tightening exercises.

8> The Danvers Opening was expected, but then attempting to transform it into a Gunderam Attack was just suicide!

7> Sent a congratulatory case of champagne to Sammy Sosa when he hit his 500th home run.

6> Once disciplined staff with a white garotte after Labor Day.

5> Forgot that it's red wine with illegal stock trading, white wine with accounting fraud.

4> Giant floral centerpiece on her dining room table is made entirely of old, unpaid parking citations.

3> Accidentally voted for Buchanan in '00.

2> Spent many wasted years pining away for Richard Chamberlain.

1> Wore a camouflage dress to her high school prom.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

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	():top list jokes (540): The Top 13 Signs You Were Switched at Birth

Posted by Murph J. Smith on 14-Aug-2005

The Top 13 Signs You Were Switched at Birth

13. You don't look anything like Mary and Joseph.

12. No one else in the family is white, except for Uncle Jacko and his wife.

11. Unlike everyone else in your backwoods, redneck, trailer-park family, it is your ambition to become the President of the United States.

10. No one else in your nomadic tribe seems to share your love of collecting Beanie Babies.

9. The way your dad always says, "Aye, you've a bonney wee Afro, m'lad."

8. You think Kathie Lee's REAL children would have to turn out 200 blouses per hour?

7. Your dad: astronomy professor at M.I.T.
You: Almost starved to death when you got a cue ball stuck in your mouth.

6. Your family celebrates your graduation from high school by butcherin' a hog and tappin' the still.

5. Sober, monogamous, and a Kennedy? Hmmm...

4. Your dad, Mr. Hawking, shows little if any enthusiasm for your burgeoning career as a pro wrestler.

3. You bear an uncanny resemblance to the President of the United States, but hell, so do a lot of kids in Arkansas.

2. Your brothers, Alec, Billy, Daniel and Steven, also work in film, but you're the one who manages a Fotomat.

1. You: All-State linebacker Your father: President of Microsoft

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	():top list jokes (540): poor

Posted by Evan Hawbaker on 08-Aug-2005

poor

Your mama is so poor that when I walked in your backyard and stepped on a cochroach, she said, "Thanks for killing dinner."

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	():top list jokes (540): The Top 13 Rejected Global Disaster Movie Premises

Posted by I don't have a penis on 14-Aug-2005

The Top 13 Rejected Global Disaster Movie Premises

13. "Mitzi the Kitten Goes Postal"

12. "Armageddon '98" -- A giant chunk of Bill Gates's wallet breaks loose and threatens to destroy the earth!

11. "Starring Kevin Costner!"

10. A gigantic bolt of inter-stellar chintz hurtles toward to earth threatening to drape the entire planet in *last* year's color.

9. "Coffee Shortage!"

8. Mysterious geological forces speed up the Earth's rotation, flinging everybody off into space -- except a group of research scientists in Antarctica, who just get incredibly dizzy.

7. "Acnephobia" -- Where will the next one pop up?!

6. "Starbuck Wars" -- Luke Warmwater uses the Dark Roast to save the galaxy from over-priced espresso

5. "Flat Grape Fanta!"

4. "Parmageddon" -- Desperate chefs race to prepare a mammoth bowl of pasta to thwart a mile-wide cheese boulder hurtling toward Earth.

3. "The Day the List Stood Still"

2. "Killer Bugs" -- Handsome computer programmers endure 12 hour work days, risking Carpel Tunnel Syndrome, to save Earth (and a group of buxom supermodels) from deadly bugs from Galaxy Y2K.

1. Fran Drescher in: "Megaphone!"

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	():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Signs You Have a Gambling Problem

Posted by alisha bowden on 14-Aug-2005

The Top 15 Signs You Have a Gambling Problem

15. Your attempt to sweet-talk your wife by comparing her eyes to "two oranges and a cherry" fails dismally.

14. Who knew you'd lose your shirt betting Bruce would go bald before Demi?

13. It's not that you bet on the Australians to win; it's that you bet on the America's Cup in the first place!

12. You wagered against Ellen being gay... Double or nothing on Wolfe Blitzer!

11. Ceasar's Palace sends a limo to pick you up - and you live in Bushville, Indiana.

10. Although uncredited, you were in more scenes of "Leaving Las Vegas" than Nicolas Cage.

9. Strong desire to have sex with Keith Richards and/or Courtney Love.

8. Every night during "Wheel of Fortune," you scream, "Screw the vowels, spin the damn wheel!!"

7. You bet "yes" on whether or not your suicide attempt will be successful.

6. Every year you have to get a goofy haircut because you lose the bet about being elected into the Baseball Hall of Fame.

5. You're the proud inventor of a do-it-yourself gold filling extractor.

4. When your 12-year old complains about conditions in the mines, you retort, "Try slaving over a hot craps table all day, kid!"

3. That stack of lottery tickets in your shirt pocket is thick enough to stop a bullet.

2. Donald's newest casino: The Trump Taj MaLarry.
Your name: Larry.

1. When someone spins a lazy Susan, you slap a C-note on the counter and yell, "Creamed corn, baby, come on!"

[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ]

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