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| Posted by Russell Kline on 13-Aug-2005 | Life PhilosophiesLife is just a phase you're going through...you'll get over it.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
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| Posted by Beth Henry on 14-Aug-2005 | Famous Quotes"I thought it would make a wicked wave to surf on"
-Moses, talking about the real reason he parted the Red sea.
"Scattered showers my ass"
-Noah
"Bigamy is having one wife to many. Monogamy is the same"
-Oscar Wilde
"I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is getting better"
-any man who has been married
"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals, I am a vegetarian because I
hate plants"
-A. Whitney Brown
"I told you I was Sick!"
-On a tombstone
"Gay Motherfucker!"
-English professor giving an example of an oxymoron
"What the hell are you trying to say?"
-any dog looking at its owner
"Time's fun when you're having flies"
-Kermit the Frog
"You want What on the fucking ceiling?"
-Michaelangelo
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| Posted by Sabby A. Gurrrl on 14-Aug-2005 | Steven WrightThese are some quotes from the comedian Steven Wright
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
I like to fill my bath tub up with water, turn on the shower and
pretend like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.
I was driving along and i passed a gas station with 2 signs in
the window: "Help Wanted" and "Self Service". So I went in and
hired myself.
I got pulled over by a police officer the other day. He said,
"Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" I said,
"Yeah, but I wasn't gonna be out that long."
My friend got food poisoning awhile ago and he had to go to the
hospital. I got poisoning today, I don't know when I'm gonna use
it.
I'm writing a book on my theory that the end of the cold was is
what started global warming.
I bought some land, real cheap, its on somebody else's property.
During tax season I had a little problem. I had this calculator
with no five. I ran into a friend of mine and i told him this
and he said, wow thats really weird, how long have you had it? I
said I dunno my calender doesn't have any sevens.
I live on a one-way dead-end street. I don't know how I got
there.
I was at work and a man came in and asked, "If I melt dry ice
can I swim without getting wet?"
If I were in a vehicle moving at the speed of light and I turn
on my head lights would they do anything?
I can levetate birds but nobody cares.
It's a good thing for gravity, otherwise when birds died, they'd
just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused. All the
live birds would be hiding behind the dead ones.
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| Posted by Jeff L. Aho on 14-Aug-2005 | Steve Wright Jokes 2Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste
funny?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some
people appear bright until you hear them speak?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice
as cold Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw
hamburgers? Tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw
hamburgers?
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the
precipitate.
[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts
H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...[picks
up his glass of water from the stool]...I like to live on the
edge...
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to
it.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no
feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
What's another word for Thesaurus?
I was born by Caesarian section...but not so you'd notice. It's
just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a
closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator
practice.
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway
instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd
hear this rumbling noise go by.
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the
entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish
you were here."
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
Cross-country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They
said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking". I don't have time for
that.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from
the statues that are in all the other museums.
I like to go to art museums and name all the untitled
paintings... Boy With Pail...Kitten On Fire...
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I
ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big
buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what
kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor
to it.
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices.
In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything
specifically.
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked
me, "If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?"
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The
clerk said, "ten-four."
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had
any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there,
the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says
you're open 24 hours." He said, "Not in a row."
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask
me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd
like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra
medium."
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale.
She said, "It's free with any purchase." I asked her if anyone
bought anything today.
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and
I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty
people were trapped on the escalators.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to
the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a
different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put
them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I
don't get it...
I invented the cordless extension cord.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
I saw a close friend of mine the other day...He said, "Stephen,
why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I
want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have
you had it?" I said, "I don't know... my calendar has no sevens."
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| Posted by Rick Bron on 14-Aug-2005 | It Hurts"If sex is a pain in the ass, you're doing wrong!"
--Dr. Ruth
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