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| Posted by Ktkat Yong on 13-Aug-2005 | Life's reflections1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
12. They show you how detergent takes out bloodstains. I think if you've got a tee shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
13. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
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| Posted by Suck A. Dick on 13-Aug-2005 | Random thoughts for 20041. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
2. The difference between the Pope and your boss .... The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
3. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
4. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
5. Just remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
6. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was "turn signal fluid."
7. My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite!"
8. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
9. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
10. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press "Ctrl - Alt - Delete" and start all over?
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| Posted by C Heath Ratliff on 13-Aug-2005 | On Midlife...Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.
The good news about midlife is that the glass is still half-full..of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.
Midlife women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans..we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
Midlife has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.
You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and you realize it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in film.
You know you've crossed the midlife threshold when you're in the grocery store and you hear a Muzak version of "Stairway to Heaven" in the produce department.
Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. (It's more like Splat!)
Midlife brings the wisdom that life throws you curves..and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones. It's very hard to "get jiggy with it" in midlife..jiggly, yes; jiggy, no.
Midlife is when your 1970s Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally. (more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the state of Wisconsin).
Midlife is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!
Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?
Midlife is when you start to repeat yourself..and your chins follow suit.
Midlife is when you realize that if you were a dog, you'd need a control top flea collar.
Midlife is when your memory really starts to go. The only thing you still retain is water.
You become more reflective in midlife. You start pondering the "big" questions-- what is life, why am I here..how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?
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| Posted by caryline kelly on 13-Aug-2005 | Imponderable QuestionsDo you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the VCR clock work anyway?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
How many times do you use a disposable razor?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
If our knees bent the other way, what would a chair look like?
If superman is so clever, why does he wear his underwear on the outside?
If you are refinishing a table, shouldn't you have to restart?
If you have 24 odds and ends on a table, and 23 fall off, what do you have left, an odd or an end?
If you are cross-eyed and dyslexic at the same time, would see okay?
You know how most well labeled packages say "Open Here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open Somewhere Else"?
When it rains, the sky is completely covered in clouds. How does the rain get through?
When they finish making styro-foam what do they package it in?
When you have your picture taken with Mickey Mouse at Disneyland, does the guy inside the costume smile for the camera? Where can you buy those little plastic ends to put on your shoe laces?
Why are there Interstate Highways in Hawaii?
Why are there floatation device under plane seats, instead of parachutes?
Why do hot dogs come ten to a package and hot dog buns only eight?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive up ATM?
Why does sour cream have a use-by date?
Why does the door bell ring just after you've stepped out of the shower?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called a cargo?
Why is there always one in every crowd? If you took all the ones in every crowd and put them in another crowd, will there be one in that crowd?
Why do we tend to raise our shoulders when we're out in the rain?
Why is it that when You're driving and looking for an address, You turn down the volume of the radio?
Why is it that you see this written on car seat belts:? This seat belt does not offer any protection if it is not buckled up?
Why is the "knee-jerk" response to a paper cut is "Oh, those are the worst kind."? I think getting hacked with a machete would be worse.
Why do they print "serving suggestion" next to the picture of a product on its label?
Why do they print warning labels telling you not to eat poisonous substances when there isn't a "serving suggestion" on the label?
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