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| Posted by matthew o. travitz on 09-Aug-2005 | Lightbulbs?How many people does it take to change a light bulb in:
...California?
Only 1, but it doesn't matter. They don't have electricity.
...Oklahoma?
Zero. What the heck is a light bulb?
...Ontario?
Only 1. It's not just a light source, it's HEAT.
...Austin?
None.They haven't seen the light in many years and are not looking to see it any time soon.
...Las Vegas?
Hundreds. Have you seen the strips out there? That is a full time job just keeping the lights burning.
Submitted by Yisman
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by Thalia G. Grace on 09-Aug-2005 | How musicians do itAltos are sandwiched between sopranos and tenors.
Bach did it with the organ.
Band members do it all night.
Band members do it in a parade.
Band members do it in front of 100,000 people.
Band members do it on the football field.
Baritones do it deeper.
Bass clarinetists put it between their legs and blow.
Basses and altos do it lower.
Basses have rhythm.
Beethoven did it apassionately.
Beethoven was the first to do it with a full orchestra.
Choir boys do it unaccompanied.
Clarinetists do it with alternate fingerings.
Contrabass clarinetists do it deeper with a lot of tongue and steady rhythm.
Cymbal players do it with a crash.
DJs do it on request.
DJs do it on the air.
Drummers beat it.
Drummers do it with both hands and feet.
Drummers do it with rhythm.
FM Disc Jockeys do it in stereo and with high fidelity.
Frank Sinatra does it his way.
Harpsichordists do it continuously!
Music hackers do it at 3 am.
Musicians do it with rhythm.
Musicians duet together.
Organists ... um, well ...
Piano players have faster fingers
Piano students learn on their teachers' instruments.
Singers do it with their diaphragms.
Sopranos and tenors do it higher.
Sopranos do it in unison.
Tenors have breath control.
Trombone players do it in 7 positions.
Trombones do it faster.
Trombonists use more positions.
Trumpet players blow the best.
Trumpet players do it with a fanfare.
Tuba players do it with big horns.
Tubas do it deeper.
Violinists do it gently.
Violists do it alone.
Violoncellists do it low.
Virtuosi appreciate it.
Vocalists are good in their mouths.
Woodwind players do it in the reeds.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Glaci
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| Posted by casanova on 09-Aug-2005 | Which period?How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by Angel~Baby on 09-Aug-2005 | Moving?Unable to move his bowels, a man pays a visit to his doctor.
The doctor writes out a prescription for a powerful laxative and instructs him to call back in two days.
When the man calls, the doctor asks, ???Well, have you moved yet????
???No, I have not,??? the man says.
The doctor doubles the dosage and tells him to call back in two days.
Sure enough, the man calls two days later, tells the doctor that he has not moved yet and is again instructed to double the dosage.
Finally, the man sets up an appointment and arrives, smiling.
???I take it you??™ve moved,??? the doctor says.
???I had to,??? the man says. ???My apartment was full of shit.???
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
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| Posted by Stanko on 09-Aug-2005 | No shit!Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass.
He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?"
The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out.
He said, 'I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant you one wish.'
And I said, 'No shit?!'"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
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| Posted by NINER on 09-Aug-2005 | Hospital rulesHospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, insisting didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
Submitted by Tantilazing
Edited by Yisman
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