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| Posted by Carly A. Jordan on 14-Aug-2005 | Little Johnny and His Gold FishOne day Little Johnny is in his back yard digging a hole. His
neighbor, seeing him there, decides to investigate. "What are
you doing?" he asks. Little Johnny replies, "My goldfish died
and I'm burying him." "That's an awful big hole for a goldfish,
ain't it?" asked the neighbor. Little Johnny shouts back,
"That's because he's inside your fucking cat!"
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| Posted by Kelli on 14-Aug-2005 | Put that worm back in that holeA little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little
boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.
He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."
The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too
wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of
hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.
Then he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray,
and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back
out and hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."
The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."
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| Posted by Anu Patel on 14-Aug-2005 | The Snail ReturnsOne day a guy heard a knock on his door, so he answered it and
no one was there. But he looked down and saw a snail. So he
picked up the snail and threw it as far as he could.
3 years later, the guy hears a knock on his door, so he answered
it and no one was there. He looked down and there was that same
snail. The snail said, "What the fuck was that all about?!?!"
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| Posted by snickers13107 on 14-Aug-2005 | I Like MonkeysThe pet store was selling them for five cents a pieace. I thought this was
odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a
gift horse in the mouth so I bought 200 of them.
I like monkeys.
I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of drive. His name
was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright.
They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed. They punched me
in the genitals. I stopped laughing.
I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new
environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high
speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle
lost its novelty halfway into it's third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive; they
all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda
like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Cheap monkeys.
I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my
room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like
I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't
work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred
ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys.
I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for
awhile, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real
bad.
I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn't want to
call a plumber. I was embarrassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately
there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them
every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it
didn't go bad.
I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable. I
had to extinguish the fire.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in
my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile
on my bed. The odor wasn't improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I
really had to use the bathroom. So I went and severely beat one of the
monkeys. I felt better.
I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said the city was not
allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one. He
couldn't take it either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My
friends didn't quite know what to say. They pretended to like them, but I
could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.
I like monkeys.
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| Posted by I Like Cheese You Like Cheese on 14-Aug-2005 | The Perfect PetA man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to
buy a pet that can do everything.
The owner says, "How about a dog?"
The man replies, "A dog? That's so ordinary! And a dog can't
doeverything!"
The owner says, "How about a cat?"
The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I
want a pet that can do everything!"
The owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it -- a
centipede!"
The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing
everything. But, okay ... I'll try a centipede."
He gets the centipede home and says to it, "Clean the kitchen."
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and it's
immaculate. All the dishes and silverware have been washed,
polished, dried and put away. The countertops have been cleaned.
The appliances are sparkling. The floor has been waxed.
He's absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, "Go clean the
living room." Twenty minutes later he walks into the living
room. The carpet has been vacuumed, the furniture clean and
dusted, the pillows on the sofa plumped and the plants watered.
The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've
ever seen. This is truly a pet that can do everything."
He says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a
newspaper." The centipede walks out the door. Ten minutes later,
no centipede. Twenty minutes later, no centipede. Thirty minutes
later, no centipede. The man is wondering what's going on. The
centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes.
Forty-five minutes later, still no centipede! The man can't
imagine what happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get
run over by a car? Finally, he goes to the front door and opens
it ... and there's the centipede sitting right outside the door.
The man says, "Hey! I sent you 45 minutes ago to run down to the
corner and get me a newspaper. What's the story?" The centipede
says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm puttin' on my shoes!"
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| Posted by Joe F. Cool on 14-Aug-2005 | The Slow SpeakerJohn and Steve were high school buddies. They have not seen each
other since they both went to college. Five years went by and
they ran into each other at a bar.
John spotted Steve first, "Hey Steve!" "Hey John! Long time no
see!" John was surprised that Steve spoke smoothly without
stutters--Steve has been stuttering since he was a child. "How
did you fix your speaking?" "I went to the doctor and he said
that if I speak really slow, I won't stutter! Did you hear? I
almost got married!" "How did you ALMOST get married?"
"Well, I was sitting on the front porch with my fiance and the
dog was sitting there too and he was scratching his back!
Although I have to speak slow, I said to my wife: When we're
married YOU can do that for me and then I pointed to the dog.
But, because I talk so slow, by then he was licking his balls!"
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