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| Posted by Beaver Munc on 09-Aug-2005 | Lobster and the crabOnce upon a time a humble crab fell in love with Princess Lobster and she with him. They enjoyed an idyllic relationship, but one day Princess Lobster came to Crab in floods of tears saying that King Lobster would not let her see Crab any more.
'But why?' gasped the humble crab.
'Daddy says that crabs are too common,' sobbed the princess. 'You're a lower class of crustacean, and anyway, you walk sideways.'
Crab was shattered and scuttled away to drink himself into forgetfulness.
That night was the occasion of the great Lobster Ball and lobsters came from far and near for feasting and merrymaking. Princess Lobster, however, sat by her father's side inconsolable.
Suddenly, the doors flew open. It was the humble crab. Slowly, painstakingly, he made his way to the throne - walking dead straight, one claw after another. A silence gathered around the room. All the lobsters' eyes fell on the intruder.
Step by painful straight step he approached until he looked King Lobster in the eye. There was a deadly hush. Finally Crab spoke up:
'F***, I'm pissed!'
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| Posted by shane d on 13-Aug-2005 | PANCAKEOVER A PINT IN THE PUB. THE ENGLISH MAN, THE SCOTCH MAN, AND THE IRISH MAN WERE DISCUSSING THE NAMES OF THEIR CHILDREN.AH SAID THE ENGLISH MAN THAT REMINDS ME OF MY SON GEORGE HE WAS BORN ON SAINT GEORGES DAY.AH SAID THE SCOTCH MAN, THAT REMINDS ME OF MY SON ANDREW HE WAS BORN ON SAINT ANDREWS DAY. AH SAID THE IRISH MAN ,THAT REMINDS ME OF MY SON PANCAKE.
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():bar jokes (2610): Free drinks for everyone |
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| Posted by Valerie A. Galluzzo on 09-Aug-2005 | Free drinks for everyoneOne night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."
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():bar jokes (2610): The Secret of Happy Old Man |
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| Posted by playn on 14-Aug-2005 | The Secret of Happy Old ManA traveller saw a very old man that was also seemingly very
happy. The traveller asked the old man, "You're so old, what's
your secret to staying so happy?"
The man replied, "Well, I smoke 6 packs a day as well as smoke a
pipe. I stay up till 5am every night partying and drinking until
I barf. And I'm on lots of drugs and medication."
"So how old ar you?"
The man replied, "25."
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| Posted by Karin Czapnik on 09-Aug-2005 | Wine WarningsDue to increasing product liability litigation, wine manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all wine bottles:
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a moron.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 am in the morning!
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers.
7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
8. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.
9. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
10. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
11. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Frank.
12. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
13. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.
14. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
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():bar jokes (2610): Merle goes out drinking every night... |
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| Posted by Mark J. Houlihan on 10-Aug-2005 | Merle goes out drinking every night...Every night after dinner, Merle took off for the local watering hole. He would
spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, quite inebriated, around
midnight each night.
He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the
door open. And every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let
him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant
nights out and always coming home in a drunken state. But Merle just continued
his nightly routine.
One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior and was
particularly distraught by it all.
The friend listened and said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently
when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving
words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then he might change his ways."
The wife thought that this might be a good idea.
That night, Merle took off again after dinner. And at about midnight, he
arrived home in his usual condition.
His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Merle in.
Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and
led him into the living room. She sat Merle down in an easy chair, put his feet
up on the ottoman, and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started
to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to Merle, "It's pretty
late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you think."
At that, in his inebriated state he replied, "I guess we might as well. I'll
get in trouble when I get home anyway!"
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