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| Posted by Something on 10-Aug-2005 | Mad CondomWhy did the condom fly across the room?
An It got pissed off!!!
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| Posted by Jesse Jesse on 14-Aug-2005 | PoisonDid you know that mayonnaise is one ingredient away from being
poison?
What is the ingredient, you may ask?
Poison.
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| Posted by Dan Berkowitz on 09-Aug-2005 | Murphy's Laws /Murphys 1st Law: If anything can go wrong, it will Murphys 2nd Law: Nothing is as easy as it looks Murphys 3rd Law: Everything takes longer than you think Murphys 4th Law: If theres a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will. Murphys 5th Law: Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first Murphys 6th Law: Every solution breeds a new problem Murphys 7th Law: Its immposible to make something foolproof as fools are so ingenious. Murphys 8th Law: Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. Murphys 9th Law: Left to themselves things tend to go from bad to worse Murphys 10th Law: When things just cant get any worse, they will
O'Toole's Law: Murphy was an opptomist.
Forsythes Corollary to Murphys Law: Just when you see the light at the end of the tunnel, the roof caves in.
The Unspeakable Law: As soon as you mention something if its good it will go away, if it is bad it wil happen
Non-Reciprocal Law of Expectations: Negative expectations yield negative results, positive expectations yield negative results
Etorres Observation: The other queue always moves faster
Barths Distinction: There are two types of people. Those who divide people into 2 types of people, and those who dont.
Segals Law: A man with 1 watch always knows what time it is, a man with 2 is never sure
Fabers 4th Law: Nessesity is the mother of strange bedfellows
Simons Law: Everything put together sooner or later falls apart
Scotts 1st Law: No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right Scotts 2nd Law: When an error has been detected and corrected it will be found to have been correct in the first place
Finagles Law: Once a job has been fowled up, almost everything done to improve it only makes it worse.
Buggings Law: A man that can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on
Gumpersons Law: The probability of anything happening is the inverse of its desirability
Stockmayers Law: If it looks easy it is tough, if it looks tough it is immposible
Hofstadters Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadters law into account
Any horse which has won all of its races will lose as soon as you bet on it
Agnes Allens Law: Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.
Andersons Law: I have yet to see any problems however complicated which, when you looked at it the right way didnt become more complicated
Borens guidlines for bureacracy: When in charge, ponder; when in trouble, delegate; when in doubt, mumble
Corcorans Law: All papers that you keep will never be needed until you dispose of them, when they become essential
Jonses Law: Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate
Johnsons Law of Car Repair: Any tool dropped while repairing a car will role under the vehicle to the exact geographical center
Wolfs Law: Those who dont study the past will repeat its errors, those who do study it will find new ones.
Also contrary to other thoughts Coles Law is not a life law at all, it is slices cabbage.
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| Posted by Ivan Borka on 09-Aug-2005 | Doctors visitTwo old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital.
The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample."
The old man says, "What?"
So the doctor says it again.
Once again the old man says, "what?"
So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!"
With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"
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| Posted by Ben C. Bays on 10-Aug-2005 | What do you call a blind deer?Q: What do you call a blind deer?
A: "No-eye deer".
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| Posted by Rachel E. Winograd on 14-Aug-2005 | responsibility lectureThere was a family of 3 generations all living in separate
homes: The Father and mother [age 66 and 70]
The Oldest Son and his wife and two childeren [a son-15 and a
daughter-10]
&The youngest daughter and her husband and two children [a
daughter-12 and a son-8]
It was summer holidays for the children and the parents were all
working, so, just to let the kids play they decided to leave
them all at their grandparents [just a reminder aged 66 and 70]
for thursday and friday every week until they had stopped the
working year and gone on holidays.
The children knew that their grandparents were over protective,
and also liked to chat a lot. So when the first day came, they
sat themselves down on the couch to watch some TV.
"NO NO NO! you cant just sit in front of the TV all day, you
have to go outside FIRST just for a little bit." lectured the
grandmother.
the grandfather had left just a few minutes earlier and wouldnt
have objected to TV, it was peace and quiet for him.
So the kids went outside to find something to do. Andrew, the
oldest son of the oldest son, was bored and didnt want to play
anything, so he sat down and read a book. The other 3 had a
water fight with water pistols and water bombs and everything!
When the grandmother came out, she cracked a fit and let them
all watch TV.
Just a few minutes later, the grandmother returned and said to
Andrew, the oldest,
"Now Andrew, you've got 3 children in your hands now!"
"oh Gosh!" exclaims Andrew.
"Because im going out and you HAVE to be responsible!"
"Yeah whatever"
"WHATEVER!??!?!?! its not just WHATEVER, its 3 children, YOU
have to be responsible for them, you're nearly 16!"
"and ill be driving soon, away, FAR away."
"You should learn to be responsible!"
any way this continues for about another hour and finally when
the grandmother is satisfyed that Andrew will be responsible,
she ends it:
"fine, im going now."
"Grandma, where are you going?"asks the youngest one.
"To the letter box, to check the mail."
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