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| Posted by Bob the Legless Hobo on 09-Aug-2005 | Mad cowsThere were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.
The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."
The other cow replies, "Hell, I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."
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| Posted by DreamJoker on 09-Aug-2005 | Murphy on CopsMurphy's Laws Of Law Enforcement
1. Bullet Proof vests aren't.
2. The bigger they are, the harder they fall. They also punch, kick and
choke harder too.
3. The speed at which you respond to a fight call is inversely proportional to how long you've been a cop.
4. Tear gas works on cops too, and regardless of wind direction, will always blow back in your face.
5. High speed chases will always proceed from an area of light traffic to an area of extremely heavy traffic.
6. If you know someone who tortures animals and wets the bed, he is either a serial killer or he works for Internal Affairs.
7. Placing a gun back in a shoulder holster with your finger on the trigger will cause you to walk with a limp.
8. Flash hiders don't really.
9. If you have cleared all the rooms and met no resistance, you and your entry team have probably kicked in the door of the wrong house.
10. If a cop swings a baton in a fight, he will hit other cops more often than he will hit the bad guys he swings at.
11. Domestic arguments will always migrate from an area of few available weapons (living room), to an area with many available weapons (kitchen).
12. If you have just punched out a handcuffed prisoner for spitting at you, you are about to become a star on Eyewitness News.
13. Bullets work on veteran cops too. They also work on weight lifters, martial arts experts, department marksmen, Vice cops, S.W.A.T. jocks, and others who consider themselves immortal.
14. When a civilian sees a blue light approaching at a high rate of speed,
he will always pull into the lane the cop needs to use.
15. If you drive your patrol car to the geometric center of the Gobi Desert, within five minutes a dumb-ass civilian will pull along side you and ask for directions.
16. You can never drive slow enough to please the citizens who don't need a cop, and you can never drive fast enough to please the ones who do.
17. Any suspect with a rifle is a better shot than any cop with a pistol.
18. From behind you, the bad guys can see your night sights as well as you
can.
19. On any call, there will always be more bad guys than there are good guys, and the farther away your back-up, the more there will be.
20. The longer you've been a cop, the shorter your flashlight and your temper gets.
21. Whatever you are about to do, if there is a good chance it will get you killed, you probably shouldn't do it.
22. You should never do a shotgun search of a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is "Boomer".
23. The better you do your job, the more likely you are to be shot, injured, complained on, sued, investigated, or subpoenaed on your day off.
24. If a large group of drunk bikers is "holed-up" in a house, the Department will send one officer in a beat car. If there is one biker "holed-up" in a house, they will send the entire S.W.A.T. Team.
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| Posted by Saska on 09-Aug-2005 | The inventor ofThe inventor of the airplane borarding ramp has died at age 85. Funeral seating will begin half an hour before the service, with preferential treatment for immediate family members, followed by friends and relatives holding passes numbered 1 through 30.
Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com
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| Posted by Krissy Boo on 09-Aug-2005 | The 2000 DarwinThe 2000 Darwin awards!
(25 May 1999, Ukraine) A fisherman in Kiev electrocuted himself while fishing in the river Tereblya. The 43-year-old man connected cables to the main power supply of his home, and trailed the end into the river. The electric shock killed the fish, which floated belly-up to the top of the water. The man waded in to collect his catch, neglecting to remove the live wire, and tragically suffered the same fate as the fish. In an ironic twist, the man was fishing for a mourning meal to commemorate the first anniversary of his mother-in-law's death.
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| Posted by WestRunner on 09-Aug-2005 | IN THE BAG
AIN THE BAG
A "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that the golfer didn't know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did - backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.
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| Posted by Ricky D. Lynn on 09-Aug-2005 | The inventor ofThe inventor of the airplane borarding ramp has died at age 85. Funeral seating will begin half an hour before the service, with preferential treatment for immediate family members, followed by friends and relatives holding passes numbered 1 through 30.
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