|
|
 |
|
 |
 |
| Posted by Diamond D on 13-Aug-2005 | Mafia Valentines PoemsMy love for you...
it came and went.
So your feet are now
in wet cement.
I'm here to fulfill your fondest wishes-
Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes.
Lie down with me-
It's my final offa,
Or you'll be lying wit'
Jimmy Hoffa.
I picked up this card
from a slim selection,
But that's all they offer
in witness protection.
I've waited so long for you to be mine!
Now that Sinatra's dead, be *my* Valentine.
Be my Valentine...
and we can do it execution-style.
Cinderella got her fella,
with a slipper made of glass.
So please be mine, Valentine,
or I'll have to whack your ass.
Violets are blue,
roses are red.
I blew up your car-
So why ain't you dead?
The day we met, my little pet,
I knew with just one look,
You'd bear a son, and now that's done,
So shut your mouth and cook!
Hey.
Youse da greatest.
Youse da best.
But youse is untouchable
Like Elliot Ness.
Lust is fleeting,
True love lingers.
Be mine always
And you'll keep your fingers.
Hope da chocolates is good, but y'know,
dis ain't really what a guy's heart looks like.
Valentine, Dear, lend me a hand,
So I won't be a self-made man.
When a goon makes you die,
cuz you told him goodbye
-- that's amore!
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
| Posted by mantis on 13-Aug-2005 | Christmas Recount
Ho Ho Ho,
"Hello out there all people of the world."
This is Santa and I just wanted to let you know that Christmas may be a little late this year. See after checking all the boxes and tallying them up, I found some problems with the results.
The first result showed:
428,534,120 Good
428,523,119 Bad
The second result showed:
428,534,118 Good
428,523,121 Bad
So you see, I can't, with good faith, go out and deliver presents while knowing I could have made a mistake. Maybe Little Johnny was good for once, then again, maybe not.
So, I have enlisted the help of all my elves and the Mrs. To help do a recount. We hope to have this finished up by 5pm on the 24th of December, but there is a possibility that it might take longer. You see the tally cards were not quite clear to me, although I made them my-self, I forgot what they meant.
You know, Good...and Bad??? And the check marks I used were not all the same, some went left, some right, some were just a mark. some went through both boxes, and some didn't even have much of a mark on them. I leave it up to them to decide what I meant.
So if you wake up on Christmas morning, and there are no presents under your tree, at least you can tell the kids the story. Thank you for your patience and understanding in these times,
--Santa
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
():holiday jokes (333): The Top 17 Signs the Santa at the Mall is Nuts |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Mike H. Stevens on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 17 Signs the Santa at the Mall is Nuts
17> Shaves head and beard, then insists on being called "Santa Kurtz."
16> Tells kids about the comparative kill ratio of the AK-47 over the Daisy Air Rifle.
15> Those nasty chewing tobacco streaks in his beard.
14> Has a complimentary tray of North Pole "Tundra Oysters" ready for the toddlers.
13> After every child's request, asks, "Wouldn't you rather have a nice big bag of clams?"
12> The twinkle in his eye and the twitch of his nose are due to a lack of medication.
11> Every so often, snaps into a Slim Jim and growls, "You've been bad and now you're going down, punk!"
10> Promises children O.J. will be cleared of all wrongdoing.
9> Caught drinking red wine with fish during break.
8> "Hey kid, bet I can wet my pants faster than you can!"
7> Insists on blowing his nose in children's hair.
6> Despite massive photographic evidence to the contrary, claims to have never worn white gloves or shiny black boots.
5> That snowy beard? Nothin' but nose hair.
4> Answers every child's toy request with "Dream on, pee wee!"
3> Enjoys it so much when small children urinate on his lap, he happily returns the favor.
2> Instead of a candy cane, gives each kid a pack of Marlboros and a homemade venison pie.
1> While it's admittedly a nifty trick, blowing smoke rings out of his tracheotomy hole is just scaring the hell out of the kiddies.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1997, 1999 by Chris White ]
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Steve j. Kapton on 13-Aug-2005 | Toys at Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house,
I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.
Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
in hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."
The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
while Mom and I faced the evening with dread:
a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!
We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat....
let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
if we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!
When what to my worrying eyes should appear,
but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
with each part numbered and every slot named,
so if we failed, only we could be blamed.
More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
all over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Dearest" said Mom, "you just glued my hand."
And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
to keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
with "assembly required" till morning's first light.
We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
before we attached the last rod and last pin.
Then laying the tools away in the chest,
we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my wife just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.
Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
and not have to run to the store for a thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
for the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"
Then off to dreamland and sweet repose
I gratefully went, though I suppose
there's something to say for those self-deluded-
I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by BRADY COLLINS on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 12 Hot Toys This Holiday Season
12> Seattle Protest Barbie -- Complete with painted sign, handcuffs, and double-tall latte! (Anarchist Ken sold separately)
11> The Al Gore Doll -- So real, it's almost life-like!
10> Toy Story 2 adult action figures -- Buzzed Lightyear and Morning Woody
9> H2-Oh! -- Pop it in the freezer and it magically becomes a cold, frosty treat!
8> Celery Monster -- Cookie Monster's anorexic sister
7> Day Trader Barbie -- comes with notebook computer, cell phone, 9mm handgun and emergency cyanide pill
6> My First Nipple Ring -- Be the first on your block to be banned by your friends' Moms!
5> Lower G.I. Joe -- Teaches your youngster the joy of colonic irrigation
4> PokeYerMom Oedipal Trading Cards
3> Playskool Oval Office -- If the house is a rockin', don't come a knockin' (until it's your turn!).
2> Crips 'n' Bloods Operation -- "Use the forceps to remove the cap from your ass! But don't set off the buzzer!"
1> Potty Training Taco Bell Chihuahua -- Teaches Junior where to "Drop the Chalupa"
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
():holiday jokes (333): The Top 12 Bad Things About Being A Headless Horseman |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Bob J. Blob on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 12 Bad Things About Being A Headless Horseman
12> Friggin' sunglasses keep falling off your neck.
11> "Bad hair days" replaced by much scarier "bad jugular" days.
10> Always get disqualified for missing the first jump in the steeple chase.
9> Headless sex.
8> Cognitive thought with just a spinal cord is like trying to... trying to... DAMMIT!
7> Rectal bong hits just not the same.
6> That doofus in wardrobe uses a staple gun to keep your cape in place.
5> Forced to list your height as 5'2" on your driver's license.
4> The subtle joy of picking your nose while driving is gone forever.
3> Have to sneeze through your ass.
2> Hard to achieve that Limp Bizkit look with your red Yankees cap wedged in your armpit.
1> When you wear a party hat, you just look like a dork.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
