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| Posted by Jokester Jeff on 14-Aug-2005 | Man Without a TieA traveler became lost in the desert region of Algeria.
Realizing his only chance for survival was to find civilization,
he began walking. Time passed, and he became thirsty. More time
passed, and he began feeling faint.
Reduced to crawling, he was on the verge of passing out when he
spied a tent about 500 meters in front of him.
Barely conscious, he reached the tent and called out, "Water...".
A Bedouin appeared in the tent door and replied sympathetically,
"I am sorry, sir, but I have no water. However, would you like
to buy a tie?"
With this, he brandished a collection of exquisite silken
neckwear.
"You fool," gasped the man. "I'm dying! I need water!"
"Well, sir," replied the Bedouin, "If you really need water,
there is a tent about 2 kilometers south of here where you can
get some."
Without knowing how, the man summoned sufficient strength to
drag his parched body the distance to the second tent. With his
last ounce of strength he tugged at the door of the tent and
collapsed.
Another Bedouin, dressed in a costly tuxedo, appeared at the
door and enquired, "May I help you sir?"
"Water..." was the feeble reply.
"Oh, sir," replied the Bedouin, "I'm sorry, but you can't come
in here without a tie!"
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| Posted by Smart Fool on 14-Aug-2005 | If Airlines Sold Paint...Customer: How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends.
Customer: Depends on what?
Clerk: Actually, it depends on a number of things.
Customer: Well, what is your average price for a gallon of paint?
Clerk: Wow-that's too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a gallon,
but we have 150 different prices ranging up to $200 per gallon.
Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: There isn't any difference. It's all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then, I'd like some of the $9 paint.
Clerk: Well, before I sell you that paint, you need to answer a few
questions. First, when do you intend to use the paint?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off.
Clerk: Well, if you want to use the paint tomorrow, I can only sell you
the $200 paint.
Customer: When would I have to paint in order to get the $9 paint?
Clerk: To get the $9 paint, you would have to use it three weeks from
now, and you have to start painting on a Friday and continue to paint until
Sunday night.
Customer: You've got to be kidding!
Clerk: Sir, we don't kid around here. Please wait while I check to see
if we have any $9 paint.
Customer: There's some on the shelf right there-I can see it!
Clerk: That's the same paint all right but we can sell only a certain
number of gallons for the weekend that you want to paint. Ooops-the price
just went up to $17 a gallon.
Customer: You mean the price went up while we were talking?
Clerk: Yes, sir. You see, we change prices and rules thousands of times
a day, and since you haven't actually left the store with your paint yet,
we just decided to raise the price. Unless you want the same thing to
happen again, I suggest you get on with your purchase. How many gallons
do you want?
Customer: I don't know exactly. Maybe five gallons, no, make it six
gallons so I'm sure I have enough.
Clerk: If you don't use all the paint, you'll be penalized.
Customer: But if I've already paid for the paint, what does it matter if
I don't use all of it?
Clerk: That's just the way it is, sir.
Customer: Well, that does it! I'm going somewhere else to buy my paint.
Clerk: Good luck, sir. All of our competitors have similar rules. You'd
better just buy your paint here, while our lowest price is still $28 a
gallon.
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| Posted by wraith on 14-Aug-2005 | Problem aboard
'Curiosity'
A man travelling by plane was in urgent need of the toilet.
But each time he looked up, the illuminated sign proclaimed
that it was occupied.
The stewardess, aware of his predicament, suggested that he
uses the airplane's new prototype women's loo.
But he must not press any of the buttons inside. The were
labelled WW,WA,PP, and ATR.
The man's curiousity got the best of him and he started
pressing the buttons one by one.
When he pressed WW, Warm, fragrant Water was sprayed all
over his entire bottom. He thought, wow, the women really
have it made.
Still curious, he pressed the button marked WA, and a gentle
breeze of Warm Air quickly dried his hindquarters. He thought
this was fantastic and reached for the button marked PP.
This yielded a large Powder Puff that delicately applied a
soft talc to his rear. Naturally, he couldn't resist the
last button marked ATR.
When he woke up in the hospital, he buzzed for the nurse.
"What happened to me? The last thing I remember is that I
was in the new ladies' room on a plane."
"Yes," replied the nurse, "apparently you were having a
great time until you pressed the ATR button, which stands for
AUTOMATIC TAMPON REMOVER. Your penis is under your pillow."
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| Posted by BloodAngel on 14-Aug-2005 | Where Did We Crash?Bubba and Jake chartered a plane with a pilot to drop them off in the
wilds of Alaska for a week of elk hunting, just the same as they did the
year before.
When the pilot returned with the plane Bubba exclaimed joyfully to the
pilot, "We had a great hunting trip! We bagged four elk!" The pilot
regretfully explained, "Unfortunately, our plane can only fly with the
weight of two elk. You'll have to leave the other two behind."
Bubba and Jake were both infuriated and insistent. "We won't allow you to
fly this plane out without all four elk," Jake demanded.
The eager to please pilot relented and the plane took off with the three
of them and their four elk. About fifteen minutes into the flight the
engine started to sputter, and within seconds they were hurtling to the
ground.
Wearily arising from the wreckage, Bubba looked at Jake and wheezed, "Do
you have any idea where we are?"
Jake, quite pleased with himself, replied, "Yes! We're about a mile from
where we crashed last year.
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| Posted by Rostik Kuskovsky on 14-Aug-2005 | the man who broke down in his vana man is driving along the highway in his van when he suddenly
hears a
"tttttttttssssss!" sound.
He pulls over and gets out of his van to see what the sound
was,he sees his tyre is flat so he gets the jack and starts
cranking up the wheel when a man comes from nowhere and smashes
his window and steals his radio.
The man with the burst tyre says"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU
ARE DOING?"
The other man replys "well if your having the tyres i'm having
the radio"
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| Posted by Dr Drew on 14-Aug-2005 | A Bloned HikeOne day a red head, a burgandy, and a blonde went for a hike.
When they were already to start hiking the burgandy said "Did
you gals bring anything because I brought food incase we get
hungry?" Then the red head said "I brought water in case we get
thristy!" Then the blonde said " Well I brought a door from a
car. If we get hot we can roll down the windows!"
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