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| Posted by Demitry Dorfman on 09-Aug-2005 | MaroonedA shipwrecked sailor spent several years on a deserted island.
Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him. When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him,
"With the captain's compliments. He said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued."
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| Posted by Courtney A. Owen on 09-Aug-2005 | Golf Clubs RemedyA Texas millionaire had fallen ill. The doctors consulted did not seem to understand what ailed him. The millionaire let it be known that any doctor who could heal him could have whatever he desired.
A country doctor was able to cure him and as the doctor was leaving after a week's stay, the Texan said, "Doc! I am a man of my word. You name it and if it is humanly possible I'll get it for you."
"Well," said the doctor, "my wife and I love to play golf, so if I could have a matching set of golf clubs that would be fine."
With that the doctor left.
The doctor didn't hear from the Texan millionaire for some months. Then one day he got a phone call from the millionaire.
"Doc, I bet you thought that I had gone back on my word. I have your matching set of golf clubs. The reason it took so long is that they didn't have swimming pools, so I didn't think they were good enough for ya. I had pools installed and they're all ready for you now."
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| Posted by lu v. buggy on 09-Aug-2005 | Need SamplesAn old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."
The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"
"What did he say? What's he want?"
His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."
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| Posted by Ashley P. G on 09-Aug-2005 | Lethal FoodA dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realises the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."
The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."
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| Posted by Thomas Flask on 09-Aug-2005 | Loving the TeacherThe pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eight-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love," the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With YOU!" he said.
"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!"
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| Posted by banana babe on 09-Aug-2005 | Marrying for MoneyJack couldn??™t get his girlfriend to agree to marry him, until one day his grandfather died, leaving him $10 million. Oddly enough, the next week, his girlfriend, Diane agreed to marry him.
After three months of married life, Jack noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other men's names!
Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her.
"Diane," he said, "the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me $10 million when he died!"
"Don't be ridiculous," she replied, "I don't care who gave you the money!"
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