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| Posted by daring-dipshit on 09-Aug-2005 | Married Yet?Snappy Comebacks to the Age Old Question "Why Aren't You Married Yet?"
1. You haven't asked yet.
2. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
3. I don't look good in white.
4. Because I just love hearing this question.
5. Just lucky, I guess.
6. It gives my mother something to live for.
7. My fianc?Še is awaiting parole.
8. I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
9. I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
10. It didn't seem worth a blood test.
11. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
12. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
13. My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.
14. I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
15. They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
16. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
17. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.
18. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
19. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheque.
20. I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
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| Posted by Mark on 09-Aug-2005 | Biggest Jerks AlwaysBob was in his usual place in the morning - sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge.
He turned to his wife Marlene with a look of question on his face.
"I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
Marlene, flipping her hair, replied, "Why thank you, dear!"
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| Posted by Private Private on 09-Aug-2005 | Needle AnxietyA man is waiting in a hospital to get a vaccination, and he's very uncomfortable with the idea of being stabbed with a long needle.
After a while, the nurse calls him in to receive the injection. He nervously walks into the office and sits down where the nurse indicated, eyes bulging slightly at what seems to be an array of torture devices on the bench beside him.
As the nurse prepares the needle, he tries to think of the most pleasurable things he can, to try and dull the pain he is expecting.
The nurse turns to him with the filled needle, and noticing his obvious nervously, tries to comfort him with the words, "Don't worry, it's just a small prick."
The man jumps up, obviously upset. The nurse looks startled, but before she can say anything, the man yells out, "Just how many people has my wife been talking to?!?"
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| Posted by crazylilmiz on 09-Aug-2005 | Rules for RestaurantA priest at a parochial school, wanting to point out the proper behaviour for church, was trying to elicit from the youngsters rules that their parents might give before taking them to a nice restaurant.
"Don't play with your food," one second-grader cited.
"Don't be loud," said another, and so on.
"And what rule do your parents give you before you go out to eat?"
the priest inquired of one little boy.
Without batting an eye, the child replied, "Order something cheap."
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| Posted by musicace on 09-Aug-2005 | Filing the Duck'A man took his old duck to the Veterinarian, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat. The Vet explained to the man that as ducks age their upper bills grow down over their lower bills, and make it difficult for the animal to pick up it's food.
"What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down, even with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because the duck's nostrils are located in the upper bill and if you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water it'll drown."
The man goes about his business and about a week later the Vet runs into his patient.
"Well, how is that duck of yours?"
the Vet inquires.
"He's dead."
declared the heartbroken man.
"I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took a drink of water and drowned didn't he?"
insisted the Vet.
"No."
lamented the man.
"I think he was dead before I took him out of the vice."
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| Posted by ANGEL D. HUDSON on 09-Aug-2005 | Stopping the SpreadThe family doctor was checking on Jill and her four small children, one of whom he was treating for a cold.
"Have you taken every precaution to prevent spread of contagion in your family?"
he asked.
"Absolutely, Doctor," replied Jill earnestly.
"We've even bought a sanitary cup, and we all drink from it."
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