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| Posted by Edward Haskett on 09-Aug-2005 | Martha StewartMartha Stewart's time behind bars is starting to bear fruit.
The other day a bank robber was caught in a sporting goods store looking for a ski mask that didn't clash with the color of his getaway car.
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| Posted by Reflex449 on 09-Aug-2005 | Stolen steedA tandem team rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a cold drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which they were.
When they finished their drinks, they found their steed had been stolen.
They go back into the bar, the captain handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.
"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE OUR STEED?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"ALL RIGHT WE'RE GONNA HAVE ANOTHA COLD DRINK, AND IF OUR STEED AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME WE FINISH, WE'RE GONNA DO WHAT WE DUN IN TEXAS! AND WE DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT WE DUN IN TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
They had another cold drink, walked outside, and the tandem is back! They mount up and start to ride out of town.
The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go... what did happen in Texas?"
The captain turned back and said, "We had to walk home."
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| Posted by Dana K. Kam on 14-Aug-2005 | Things to Do at a Beach* Throw your beach ball at the people in front of you, or next
to you, then complain that they were supposed to throw it back.
* Go to inches into the water then scream below you, "Carol!?
Stay calm!"
* Bring a picnic basket full of small foods, sniff each piece,
then throw it behind you.
* Go near strangers in the water and say to them "My bubble was
bigger than your."
* Take a raft, and sit on the shore. When someone walks by you,
roll off into the inch-deep water, and yell to them "I was just
settling in!"
* Talk in an accent that no one can understand, and ask people,
"Scuze me, have you seen a suitcase of money lying around?"
* In fresh water say, "Is that a shark? Oh, no, wait, that's
just the life-guard."
* Say to the life guard, "Isn't my son a great swimmer?" Point
to no where and then yell "Oh my god, Timmy!"
* Swim in the sand.
* When the waves come, say, "Here come the munchies."
* Say to someone, "I'm a tourist, but isn't this the beach that
4 teenagers died of toxic waste poisoning?"
* Introduce yourself to the waves, then start crying when they
crash on the shore.
* Bump into someone underwater, then say, "Sorry, I thought you
were someone else." Keep doing this to them.
* (Do this one only if you're with a friend, and you both know
about it). One person goes into the water, then the other one
yells, "No! Don't walk into the pool of diseases!" If people
start to look at you, say, "Oh, no. Don't worry, it's just a
game we play. Course, it was only a game to little Johnny, too.
Well, have fun at the beach everyone!"
* Bring different language dictionaries, and start talking to
the water looking at the dictionaries sometimes. When it doesn't
respond, get another one and say, "So what language do you
speak?"
* Bring a long-john with you to the water, drop it, and yell,
"Help Johnny! Save my little dough-boy. He's too young to die!!!"
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| Posted by jsw240 on 09-Aug-2005 | Takeoff'sTakeoff's are optional.
Landings are mandatory.
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| Posted by Steve Bessette on 09-Aug-2005 | Pilot vs engineWhat's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.
Submitted by Yisman
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by Samuel P. Wilson on 09-Aug-2005 | Pilot to tower"Pilot to tower. I am 300 miles from land, 600 feet over water and running out of fuel. Please instruct! "
"Tower to pilot. Tower to pilot. Repeat after me, 'Our Father, which art in heaven...'"
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