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| Posted by Danny M. Spazman on 12-Aug-2005 | MasterCard for MenYou've all seen the sentimental MasterCard commercials. Well, finally there is a MasterCard commercial targeted just for men:
(No offense ladies - just enjoy it for what it's worth)
Cover charge:
$15.00
Round of drinks:
23.00
Table dance:
$30.00
Another round of drinks:
$23.00
Couch dance and tips:
$50.00
A round of shots:
$34.00
Private dance in your hotel room:
$300.00
Send her on her way and never have to hear her complain:
"PRICELESS!"
There are some things that money can't buy.
For everything else, there's MasterCard.
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| Posted by Bugs Bunny on 12-Aug-2005 | In the graveyard!An old man and old woman had been married for about 52 years when one day the old woman died. The entire family showed up to the funeral.
Every day after the funeral the old man would show up at the grave with his dog and spend a few minutes out there. About two months later a priest saw the old man out there with his dog and decided to go talk to the old man.
"Hello there. You know, we see you come out here every day to visit your wife's grave and we just think that so sweet. We were all wondering if the dog is something that was special to your wife since you always bring it out here with you."
"No, actually I bring the dog out here to pee on the grave.
I'd do it myself, but I'd get arrested for indecent exposure!"
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| Posted by Rob on 12-Aug-2005 | The Old DrunkNeighbors had complained to the mayor about the noisy pub on the corner of 3rd & Lambourne. Seems that the old cronies got together every friday & saturday, played cards, drank beer, told lies and jokes until 2am Saturday morning, when the pub had to close.
Officer Redding, parked down the street was not amused. He checked his watch, noted it was 01:55, time for the old drunks to start leaving. If he hadn't been assigned this crap detail he'd be down at the I-80 Truck stop about now having a nice hot cup of coffee. Redding pulled out a cigarette and was about to light up when the door of the pub slammed open and an old geezer stumbled out. Redding put the smoke back in the pack; he was "on point" now.
The old man stumbled around, fished his car keys out of his pocket, dropped them a couple of times, finally found them and weaved down the sidewalk and across the road to his car.
Redding started his engine, watching carefully as the old man fumbled to unlock his door. Other patrons leaving the pub seemed a little tipsy, but nothing like the old goat trying to get into his car. As soon as the old man's car started to pull away from the curb, Redding was on him like a hound on a bone, siren, redlights and loudspeaker. Redding wanted these complaining neighbors to know the city was doing it's job.
"Outta the car, old man!" demanded Redding. "But officer, I haven't had anything to drink!" complained the old boy. "Sure, you haven't, oldtimer, sure you haven't", replied Redding as he put the cuffs on the old guy and hauled him downtown.
At the station, the old man blew into the breathalyzer and the needle didn't move. "What the...YOU haven't been drinking, old timer!"
But that's what I tried to tell you back there, officer!" "Well then why were you stumbling all over the place?" asked Redding. "Well, officer, tonight when we all got to the pub, they elected me to be the 'designated drunk' when the place closed down!"
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| Posted by Agustin Vera on 12-Aug-2005 | The HoneymoonThe old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary.
The old woman said, "We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon."
"Uh huh," said the old man.
"We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.
"Uh huh," said the old man.
"And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon," said the oldwoman.
"That's right," said the old man, "except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry,
'It's too big, it's too big!'"
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| Posted by Bob J. Blob on 12-Aug-2005 | You're not a kid anymore when...You know you're not a kid anymore when...
You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
You can live without sex, but not without glasses.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age...and isn't breaking any laws.
You call Olan Mills before they call you.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You make an appointment to see the dentist.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
Neighbors borrow your tools.
People call at 9 pm and ask, "did i wake you?"
You have dreams about prunes.
You answer a question with "because i said so!"
You send money to PBS.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You know what the word "equity" means.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You talk about "good grass" and you're refering to someone's lawn.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel. (uncle calls the weather channel "old folks MTV."
You go bowling without drinking.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
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| Posted by Saloom on 12-Aug-2005 | Defamation of characterA man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial he asked the judge, Does this mean that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"
The judge said that was true.
"Does this mean I cannot call a pig, 'Mrs. Johnson'?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig 'Mrs. Johnson' with no fear of legal action.
The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said...
"Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson!"
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