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Maxine's Top Ten New Years Resolutions...

Maxine's Top Ten New Years Resolutions

Skip exercise every day instead of just three times a week.

Call one of my relatives every day. Call one a doofus, call one a bonehead,
call one a jerkwood, call one a...

Go to the park more often to feed the pigeons...to the cat.

Stop eating so much high-fat fast food and eat more high-fat home cooking.

Expand my horizons with travel. In other words, use the upstairs bathroom
more.

Reread all my favorite novels. And this time read the whole book, not just
the steamy underlined parts.

Force myself to stop watching so much trashy TV. Rent trashy movies instead.

Teach Floyd a new trick, and remember to rotate which neighbors yard he does
it in.

Clean the house more often. Once a millennium just isn't enough.

And my Number One New Years Resolution:

Only moon people who absolutely, one hundred percent deserve it. So that's
still pretty much everybody.

2 people have rated this joke:

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	():holiday jokes (333): The Australian Christmas

Posted by Bradley H. Stanley on 09-Aug-2005

The Australian Christmas

Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Sweating his fat away
Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Water-skis on his sleigh
Never have a white Christmas
When you in Melbourne live
Wearing hot pants on the beach
When you your presents give

Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Sweating his fat away
Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Water-skis on his sleigh

Chestnuts roasting on the sidewalk
Castles in the sand
Eating ice-cream, having good talks
Warm Christmas, isn't that grand?

4 people have rated this joke:

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	():holiday jokes (333): How Do Sheeps Say Merry Christmas?

Posted by Sam Patrick on 14-Aug-2005

How Do Sheeps Say Merry Christmas?

How do sheeps in Mexico said Merry Christmas?

Fleece Navidad.

(Feliz Navidad)

2 people have rated this joke:

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	():holiday jokes (333): Santa's Pick Up Lines

Posted by WhlteFlre on 14-Aug-2005

Santa's Pick Up Lines

* I know when you've been bad or good, so let's skip the small talk,
sister!

* Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?

* Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?

* Some of my best toys run on batteries...

* I see you when you're sleeping - and you don't wear any underwear, do
you?

* Screw the "nice" list -- I've got you on my "nice AND naughty" list!

* Wanna join the "Mile High" club?

* That's not a candy cane in my pocket, honey. I'm just glad to see you!

1 people have rated this joke:

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	():holiday jokes (333): Question and answer Christmas joke

Posted by Barry G. Wood on 09-Aug-2005

Question and answer Christmas joke

Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A: Snowflakes.

1 people have rated this joke:

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	():holiday jokes (333): Slaughter Turkey Lurkey

Posted by Eissirk on 13-Aug-2005

Slaughter Turkey Lurkey

A little program that lets you choose how to slaughter the Holiday Turkey.

Turkey Lurkey (216K)

Note: Our "Send this Joke to A Friend" email thingy doesn't transmit programs. But if you see this in email, you can click on the link above!

7 people have rated this joke:

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