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| Posted by Diana Shalmi on 14-Aug-2005 | Midget in a toiletStanding at a urinal, a man notices he's being watched by a
midget. Although the short man is staring at him intently, the
man doesn't feel uncomfortable until the midget drags a small
stepladder over to him, climbs it and proceeds to stare at the
mans balls at close range.
"Wow!" says the midget, "those are the nicest balls I've ever
seen!"
Surprised and flattered, the man thanks the midget but starts to
walk away. But the dwarf stops him.
"Listen, I know this is a strange request, but can I touch your
balls?"
"Erm. I suppose theres no harm in it" says the man.
Quickly the midget reaches out and grabs the guys balls tightly
and shouts "Hand over the wallet or I jump...!"
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| Posted by bubbles_flower on 14-Aug-2005 | jokeThe Shiny-Walled Box Thingie
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They
were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two
shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by
themselves.The lad asked, "What is this, father?"The father
(having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what
it is."While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an
old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and
pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between
them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his
father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.The walls
opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman
stepped out.The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go
get your mother."
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| Posted by Does it matter??? on 14-Aug-2005 | Think you know everything?Now you can know everything! just read...
*Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
*Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
*There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
*The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
*A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
*There are more chickens than people in the world.
*Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
*The longest one-syllable word in the English language is
screeched."
*On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the
Parliament building is an American flag.
*All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on
4:20.
*No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange,
silver, or purple.
*"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters
"mt".
*All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln
*Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
*Almonds are a member of the peach family.
*Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
*Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
*There are only four words in the English language which end in
"dous":
tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
*Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina
de los Angeles de Porciuncula"
*A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
*An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
*Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
*In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10
*Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
*The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after
Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a
Wonderful Life."
*A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
*A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
*A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
*It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
*The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
*In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
*The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar
tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
*Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
*The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
*There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
*"Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the
left hand.
...now you know everything
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| Posted by Pat Kingsley on 14-Aug-2005 | Tickles for Your Funny Bone1. Women should not have children after 35. Really, 35 chilldren
are enough.
2. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling
alleys.
3. After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
4. I am a nobody,nobody is perfect,therefore I am perfect!
5. I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been
giving me lately!
6. I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put up a sign:
"CHECKOUT TIME IS 18."
7. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come we see so many
dead rabbits on the highway?
8. How come we choose from just two people for president and 50
for Miss America?
9. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes,
and lottery tickets are alwyas complaining about being broke and
not feeling well?
10. On my first day of school my parents dropped my off at the
wrong nursery. There I was...surrounded by trees and bushes.
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| Posted by Chris Rinchik on 14-Aug-2005 | 15 Ways to Be Annoying1. Spend all day at a fast food restaurant, seeing how long it
will take until your free refills cost money.
2. If paged, wait until midnight to answer the call.
3. Construct an elaborate display of ropes in your backyard and
tell your neighbors that you're a "spider person."
4. When attending a movie you've already seen, yell out: "Don't
let him in! He's the killer!"
5. When buying a goldfish at a pet store, ask the salesperson
how often you should walk it.
6. When in a crowded elevator, say loudly: "I hope I fixed it
this time."
7. Beep when a large person backs up.
8. Look around suspiciously in public and tell onlookers about
the "little men."
9. Insist on making inanimate objects "dance"
10. Occasionally talk into your hand in public.
11. Carry a duffel bag onto an elevator, wait until it's full,
then ask if anyone knows how to disarm a bomb in less than 19
seconds.
12. When stopped at a traffic light during rush hour, claw
desperately at the roof of the car.
13. Insist that someone accompany you to the public rest room
because of Henry, the toilet monster.
14. While carpooling, make swervy turns while imitating crash
noises.
15. Insist that life is "one big musical," then try to prove
your theory by randomly breaking out into song in public.
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| Posted by Dennis L. Spencer on 14-Aug-2005 | Your Daily Moment of Zen1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead
of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just
leave me the heck alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt
and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal
your neighbor's newspaper,that's the time to do it.
5. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't
be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
7. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve
as a warning to others.
10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good
qualities without your help.
11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a
couple of car payments.
12. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in
their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile
away and you have their shoes.
13. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how
to fish,and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it
was probably worth it.
16. Don't squat with your spurs on.
17. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
18. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.
19. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
20. Don't worry, it only seems wierd the first time.
21. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that
comes from bad judgment.
22. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half
and put it back in your pocket.
23. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a
raindance.
24. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
25. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark
side, and it holds the universe together.
26. There are two theories to arguing with men. Neither one
works.
27. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth
is moving.
28. Experience is something you don't get until just after you
need it.
29. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
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