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| Posted by janet on 14-Aug-2005 | Mind your own business!Knock-knock
Who's There?
Scot
Scot who?
Scot nothing to do with you!
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| Posted by Kevin McGee on 13-Aug-2005 | old mother hubbard went to the cupboard to...old mother hubbard went to the cupboard to fetch her poor doggy a bone but when she got there the cupboard was bare so he gave her a bone of his own
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| Posted by Ivan Borka on 09-Aug-2005 | Doctors visitTwo old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital.
The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample."
The old man says, "What?"
So the doctor says it again.
Once again the old man says, "what?"
So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!"
With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"
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| Posted by Mark A. O'Neill on 13-Aug-2005 | Your so oldyour so old you sat behind jesus in the 2nd grade
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| Posted by Carrie Sparton on 14-Aug-2005 | Elevator RideA small guy gets into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Ben Hoover."
The small guy faints. The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, and asks the small guy, "what's wrong with you?"
The small guy says, "Excuse me, but what did you say?"
The big dude looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Ben Hoover"
The small guy says ,"Thank God! I thought you said 'Bend Over.'"
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| Posted by William C. Herbert on 14-Aug-2005 | Things I Learned from ChildrenIf you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough
to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman
cape.
It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by
20-foot room.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too
late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year
old man says they can only do it in the movies.
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does
not leak--it explodes.
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4
inches deep.
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.
Super glue is forever.
McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk
on water.
Pool filters do not like Jello.
VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
The fire department in San Jose has at least a 5-minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
It will, however, make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
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| Posted by house b. big on 10-Aug-2005 | A Beard?A married man was visiting his "girlfriend" when she requested that he shave
his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your
handsome face."
James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she would
kill me!!"
"Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice...
"Oh really, I can't," he replies..."My wife loves this beard!!"
The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in. That night
James crawls into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.
The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and replies, "Oh Michael, you
shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon!"
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| Posted by whitney on 14-Aug-2005 | Candybar & LifespanLittle Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy
bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across
from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good
for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you
fat!"
Little Johnny replied. "My grandfather lived to be 107 years
old." The man asked, "Well sonny, did your grandfather eat 6
candy bars at a time?"
Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business!"
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| Posted by Jesse Jesse on 14-Aug-2005 | PoisonDid you know that mayonnaise is one ingredient away from being
poison?
What is the ingredient, you may ask?
Poison.
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| Posted by J Man on 12-Aug-2005 | Black peopleQ.What do you call a swimming pool filled with black people?
A.Coco-Pops.
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| Posted by Alex Martin on 14-Aug-2005 | Pharmacy BanditsThree men held up the local pharmacy. They stole the entire
supply of Viagra. Police are now looking for three hardened
criminals.
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| Posted by Jeff D. Ahern on 08-Aug-2005 | Knock knock jokeKnock knock!
Who's there?
I dont know. Go answer the door.
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| Posted by Tom A. Woelky on 09-Aug-2005 | Only Six Months to L"Mr. Clark, I'm afraid I have bad news", the doctor told his anxious patient, "You only have six months to live."
The man sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes. Regaining his composure, he apologetically told his physician that he had no medical insurance.
"I can't possibly pay you in that time."
"OK", the doctor said, "Let's make it NINE months."
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| Posted by Jeanna M. Garloch on 14-Aug-2005 | Things To Do to kill timeFind a cure for AID's, tell no one.
Build a giant eraser by scraping pencil erasers into a shoe box.
count all of the hairs on your body.
calcutate the amount of inches from where you are to the moon,
once finished, do the same for every planet in the solar system.
construct the statue of liberty, with toothpicks.
dig a hole that you can bury a car in, using a spoon.
try gaining weight, by eating celery
Do you whole classes math homework
watch every movie ever made, in one sitting.
learn every foriegn language
ask your grandparents about their life. (try to act interested)
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| Posted by Something on 10-Aug-2005 | Mad CondomWhy did the condom fly across the room?
An It got pissed off!!!
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| Posted by Ben C. Bays on 10-Aug-2005 | What do you call a blind deer?Q: What do you call a blind deer?
A: "No-eye deer".
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| Posted by luke on 09-Aug-2005 | Best place for PackiQ: if Packeys weren't taxi driver's, where would be the next best place for them to be?
A: Face first in the bottom of the fuckin Atlantic!
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| Posted by Shea M. Lund on 12-Aug-2005 | A book never writtenAbook never written...
How to Read by: Ivana Learn
Care of Pets by: Mibird Hasdied
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| Posted by Sara Bernabeo on 09-Aug-2005 | cameraPolaroid has a new camera they call a hemaroid , takes shitty pictures and anyone can operate it.
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| Posted by I'm Angel on 08-Aug-2005 | keeping idiots busyThis cat is cat a cat good cat way cat to cat keep cat an cat idiot cat busy cat for cat 20 seconds cat.
Now read this again without the word cat.
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| Posted by Bec on 14-Aug-2005 | things to do in a hotel1) smear peanut butter all over the public restroom floor!
2)spill lemonade on the sheets, after it doesnt lQQK like
lemonade
3) Go to the fronk desk constantly asking for toilet paper
4) When a maid comes to clean your room call the front desk and
tell them that their isa phsyco at you door trying to get
in(lock the door), then give a description,ex. a middle-agd
spanish lady, with a cart, about 4'5, sayin words that seem t
be" Room Service"
5) dial random numbers saying your the police and theres a bomb
in your room, tell them to evacuate immediantly
6) clog the toilets numerious times!
7) unplug your t.v. then call room seriveand tell them your t.v.
is not working, then when they try plugging it in ask them how
to change the colors!
8) pour fish into the pool
9) pee all over the toilet seat, and the floor , and see what
the mids say!
10)go fishing in the pool( USE REAL LIVE WORMS)
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| Posted by XX2Gurly4UXX on 12-Aug-2005 | Spongebob jokewhy do you think Mr.Crabs let spongebob do all the cookin?
Because he would come in handy for cleanin after all these years of hard work!
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| Posted by sexy bugger on 14-Aug-2005 | Congratulate Me!A woman is in the shower. Suddenly the doorbell rang. She puts
on her bathrobe and goes to answer it. A doctor is their.
"Congratulate me!" he says. "I just got a letter saying I'm a
great doctor. The lady slammed the door in his face and goes
back to the shower. The doorbell rang. It was a college
student. "Congratulate me." he said. "I just got my diploma."
She slammed the door in his face. She goes back into the
shower. Knowing that the only guy left on her blockis the blind
man, she doesn't bother to put on her bathrobe. She goes to the
door and sees the blind man. "Congratulate me." he said. "I
just got my eyesight back!"
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| Posted by Dan Berkowitz on 09-Aug-2005 | Murphy's Laws /Murphys 1st Law: If anything can go wrong, it will Murphys 2nd Law: Nothing is as easy as it looks Murphys 3rd Law: Everything takes longer than you think Murphys 4th Law: If theres a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will. Murphys 5th Law: Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first Murphys 6th Law: Every solution breeds a new problem Murphys 7th Law: Its immposible to make something foolproof as fools are so ingenious. Murphys 8th Law: Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. Murphys 9th Law: Left to themselves things tend to go from bad to worse Murphys 10th Law: When things just cant get any worse, they will
O'Toole's Law: Murphy was an opptomist.
Forsythes Corollary to Murphys Law: Just when you see the light at the end of the tunnel, the roof caves in.
The Unspeakable Law: As soon as you mention something if its good it will go away, if it is bad it wil happen
Non-Reciprocal Law of Expectations: Negative expectations yield negative results, positive expectations yield negative results
Etorres Observation: The other queue always moves faster
Barths Distinction: There are two types of people. Those who divide people into 2 types of people, and those who dont.
Segals Law: A man with 1 watch always knows what time it is, a man with 2 is never sure
Fabers 4th Law: Nessesity is the mother of strange bedfellows
Simons Law: Everything put together sooner or later falls apart
Scotts 1st Law: No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right Scotts 2nd Law: When an error has been detected and corrected it will be found to have been correct in the first place
Finagles Law: Once a job has been fowled up, almost everything done to improve it only makes it worse.
Buggings Law: A man that can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on
Gumpersons Law: The probability of anything happening is the inverse of its desirability
Stockmayers Law: If it looks easy it is tough, if it looks tough it is immposible
Hofstadters Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadters law into account
Any horse which has won all of its races will lose as soon as you bet on it
Agnes Allens Law: Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.
Andersons Law: I have yet to see any problems however complicated which, when you looked at it the right way didnt become more complicated
Borens guidlines for bureacracy: When in charge, ponder; when in trouble, delegate; when in doubt, mumble
Corcorans Law: All papers that you keep will never be needed until you dispose of them, when they become essential
Jonses Law: Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate
Johnsons Law of Car Repair: Any tool dropped while repairing a car will role under the vehicle to the exact geographical center
Wolfs Law: Those who dont study the past will repeat its errors, those who do study it will find new ones.
Also contrary to other thoughts Coles Law is not a life law at all, it is slices cabbage.
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| Posted by Leah Pavo on 09-Aug-2005 | what is it?Q. There's one in every corner and two in every room. What is it?
A. O
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| Posted by unknow on 04-Oct-2005 | blonedBlond (B1) is walking in the forest and comes to a lake. She wants to cross the lake so she looks around ans see another blond (B2) on the other side so the B1 goes:
Hey, how do I get to the other side?
B2 You are on the other side!
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| Posted by Rachel E. Winograd on 14-Aug-2005 | responsibility lectureThere was a family of 3 generations all living in separate
homes: The Father and mother [age 66 and 70]
The Oldest Son and his wife and two childeren [a son-15 and a
daughter-10]
&The youngest daughter and her husband and two children [a
daughter-12 and a son-8]
It was summer holidays for the children and the parents were all
working, so, just to let the kids play they decided to leave
them all at their grandparents [just a reminder aged 66 and 70]
for thursday and friday every week until they had stopped the
working year and gone on holidays.
The children knew that their grandparents were over protective,
and also liked to chat a lot. So when the first day came, they
sat themselves down on the couch to watch some TV.
"NO NO NO! you cant just sit in front of the TV all day, you
have to go outside FIRST just for a little bit." lectured the
grandmother.
the grandfather had left just a few minutes earlier and wouldnt
have objected to TV, it was peace and quiet for him.
So the kids went outside to find something to do. Andrew, the
oldest son of the oldest son, was bored and didnt want to play
anything, so he sat down and read a book. The other 3 had a
water fight with water pistols and water bombs and everything!
When the grandmother came out, she cracked a fit and let them
all watch TV.
Just a few minutes later, the grandmother returned and said to
Andrew, the oldest,
"Now Andrew, you've got 3 children in your hands now!"
"oh Gosh!" exclaims Andrew.
"Because im going out and you HAVE to be responsible!"
"Yeah whatever"
"WHATEVER!??!?!?! its not just WHATEVER, its 3 children, YOU
have to be responsible for them, you're nearly 16!"
"and ill be driving soon, away, FAR away."
"You should learn to be responsible!"
any way this continues for about another hour and finally when
the grandmother is satisfyed that Andrew will be responsible,
she ends it:
"fine, im going now."
"Grandma, where are you going?"asks the youngest one.
"To the letter box, to check the mail."
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| Posted by cory a. HOGAN on 14-Aug-2005 | doctorA doctor was delivering a baby and when the baby comes out he
drops it on the ground. The mother says what in the hell are you
doing? He then picks up the baby and throws it againts the wall.
He runs acrost the room and picks it up and drop kicks it. Then
finally he picks it up by the legs and spikes it on its head.
The whole time the mother is going ape shit saying what the hell
are you doing to my baby boy? Oh, the doctor says, dont worry it
was already dead.
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| Posted by devil dawg 50 on 14-Aug-2005 | Man on toiletQ:What do you call someone standing on top of a toilet?
A:High on Pot
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| Posted by Scott D. Willson on 14-Aug-2005 | No CodA man went into a fish shop and said
"Can I have some cod please?"
The shop owner replied,
"We dont have any cod"
So the man said ok then asked,
"Can I have some cod?"
The chippy owner told him again that there was no cod. So the
man said,
"OK... can I have some cod?"
At this the chip shop owner got really pissed off and said,
"Look mate we have no cod C-O-F-D, cod" the bloke said,
"But the is no F in cod."
And the chippy owner said,
"Thats what I've been trying to tell you!!!"
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