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| Posted by Basketball Babe on 09-Aug-2005 | Monkey ate pool ballA guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild.
The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No. What did that stupid shit do this time?", says the patron.
"Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole", says the bartender.
"Yeah, well I hope it kills the little fucker because he's been driving me nuts", says the patron.
The guy finishes his drink and leaves.
Two weeks later he comes back in with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again.
While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a grape on the bar.
He grabs the grape, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks.
"What now?", responds the patron.
"Well, he stuck a grape up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it", says the barkeeper.
"Well, what did you expect?", replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
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| Posted by shane d on 13-Aug-2005 | PANCAKEOVER A PINT IN THE PUB. THE ENGLISH MAN, THE SCOTCH MAN, AND THE IRISH MAN WERE DISCUSSING THE NAMES OF THEIR CHILDREN.AH SAID THE ENGLISH MAN THAT REMINDS ME OF MY SON GEORGE HE WAS BORN ON SAINT GEORGES DAY.AH SAID THE SCOTCH MAN, THAT REMINDS ME OF MY SON ANDREW HE WAS BORN ON SAINT ANDREWS DAY. AH SAID THE IRISH MAN ,THAT REMINDS ME OF MY SON PANCAKE.
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6 people have rated this joke: |
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| Posted by rachel furman on 14-Aug-2005 | Drunk ConfessionA drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.
A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence.
Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?"
"I dunno." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"
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| Posted by Mike Postal on 08-Aug-2005 | Gay BarQ. What do you call a gay bar with no barstools?
A. A fruit stand
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| Posted by Gracey Lou Freebush on 09-Aug-2005 | Crawling back homeAn Irishman was drinking at the pub all night.
The bartender came up to him and told him that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face.
He tried to stand up one more time with the same result. So he figured he'd just crawl outside, hang out for a while, get some fresh air and hopefully that would sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell again right on his face.
So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrived at the door he tried one more time with the same results.
Exhausted, he then gave up and started crawling to the bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright but he quickly fell right into the bed and fell sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
The next morning, he woke up with his wife standing over him shouting at him.
"So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" He asked as he put on an innocent look.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
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| Posted by Chelsea on 11-Aug-2005 | Who needs womenA man walks into the bar and orders 2 shots of whiskey and the man drinks one and pours the other shot in his hand, the man did this 3 times before the bartender finally asks him ----why is it you drink 1 shot and pour the other in your hand.
The man replies, I'm getting my girl friend drunk!
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