More Confucius

• Man who keep feet firmly on the ground have trouble putting on pants.
• If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.
• Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.
• He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.
• Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand.
• Couple on seven-day honeymoon make whole week.
• Girl who sit on jockey's lap get hot tip.
• Girl who sit on judge's lap get honorable discharge.
• Girl who go camping must beware of evil intent.
• Man who stand on street corner with hands in pockets, not feeling crazy -- feeling nuts.
• Squirrel who run up woman's leg not find nuts.
• He who run behind bus get exhausted.
• Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
• He who fish in other's hole often catch crabs.

If I am ever a Hero's Sidekick

• I will not assume that I know what's going on.
• If I go anywhere for rest and relaxation, I will not take the hero along with me.
• I'll tell the hero HE can go into town for the information, while I watch the camp.
• I will realize that I do have a life of my own.
• I will realize that the Hero is going to get me killed, if I am not careful. That he avenges my death because he feels guilty about this is not something that will make me happy.
• I will be very quiet. I will not act boisterous and draw attention to myself. The probability of getting killed is much higher if the enemy knows who I am.
• If I am tasked to carry this very important message, I will make copies and use FedEx to get them to their destination.
• I will accept the fact that I am not the Hero and the sexual advances made towards me by the beautiful captured spy is a lure to kill me and escape.
• If I am the town drunk, I should stay the town drunk and happily live out the next 40 years instead of getting killed by cleaning myself up.
• If I am a noted warrior, I am still allowed to wear clothing with sleeves.
• My shirt is allowed to be buttoned.
• If my partner is named Dirty Harry, I should realize that there is a reason for that and ask for a transfer.
• If my partner is Don Johnson, I can do the world a favor.
• I will adapt a skill at pattern recognition. If the last 4 sidekicks have died gruesomely, so will I.

You Know You're From California When...

• The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.
• You were born somewhere else.
• You know how to eat an artichoke.
• The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.
• Your car has bulletproof windows.
• Left is right and right is wrong.
• Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.
• Your mouse has only one ball.
• You need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up.
• You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.
• You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it.
• You drive to your neighborhood block party.
• Your family tree contains "significant others".
• Your cat has it's own psychiatrist.
• You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.
• You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.
• More than clothes come out of the closets.
• When "the Dead" are best live.
• You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.
• Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.
• More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.
• Smoking in your office is not optional.
• You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.
• When you can't schedule a meeting because you must "do lunch".
• Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.
• Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.
• You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hottub repairman.
• You consult your horoscope before planning your day.
• A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.
• When all highways into the state say: "no fruits".
• All highways out of the state say: "Go back".

Famous Last Words

• You'll be perfectly safe behind this lead shield
• That's not smoke, that's steam
• Of course it's sterile
• We should have enough gas to make it to higher ground
• The IRS expects you to cheat. Everybody does it !
• It's so tame, you can put your head in its mouth
• Relax, I can get ya outta this easy. No sweat !
• It was fresh just last week
• These are the safe kind of mushrooms
• It should be OK to swim in
• He's been a perfectly safe driver, ever since the accident
• My wife's not at all jealous. We have an "open" marriage
• Clip the red wire first
• These Jury trials never last more than a day or so
• It's unplugged, go ahead and remove the cover
• It's OK to format this disk
• They don't bother tourists, their economy depends on us
• It's supposed to make that noise
• That law's been on the book for years; they don't even enforce it
• It doesn't look like the bridge is out
• Besides, they only attack when they're hungry
• The boss won't mind; anyway, he'll never know
• It shouldn't take long to reach the Airport from here
• I'm sure I turned my lights off
• I bet I can fit in there
• The law requires regular safety inspections, don't worry
• Hey! Relax! I've done this hundreds of times
• That's only a puddle, go ahead, keep driving
• He's bluffing ! That's a toy gun
• Don't worry, I'm always bringing people home for dinner
• Let me assure you, this operation is routine
• Those warning labels are only to avoid lawsuits
• I've seen it done on TV HUNDREDS of times

You know you're in Arizona When:

• You've signed so many petitions to recall governors you can't remember the name of the incumbent
• You notice your car overheating before you drive it
• You can say "Hohokam" and people don't think you're laughing funny
• You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water
• You see more irrigation water on the street than there is in the Salt River
• You know a swamp cooler is not a happy hour drink
• You can hear the weather forecast of 115 degrees without flinching
• You can be in the snow, then drive for an hour... and it'll be over 100 degrees
• You have to go to a fake beach for some fake waves
• You discover, in July, that it only takes two fingers to drive your car
• You know you can make sun tea instantly
• You run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so you can use your fireplace
• The best parking place is determined by shade -- not distance
• You realize that "Valley Fever" isn't a disco dance
• Hotter water comes from the cold water tap than the hot one
• You can pronounce the words: "Saguaro", "Tempe", "San Xavier", "Canyon de Chelly", "Mogollon Rim" and "Cholla"
• It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation and yet all the streets are totally empty of both people and cars
• You actually burn your hand opening the car door
• Sunscreen is sold year round, kept right at the checkout counter
• Sunscreen w/a formula less than 50 spf is a joke
• You put on fresh sunscreen just to go check the mailbox
• Some fool can market mini-misters for joggers and some other fools will actually buy them
• Worse -- some fools actually try to jog
• You know that hot air balloons can't rise, because the air temperature is hotter than the air inside the balloon
• No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car
• You can understand the reason for a town named "Why"

Humor about Knowledge