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():nerd jokes (650): More Evidence That This World Is Full Of Complete Idiots |
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| Posted by Vince Carter on 14-Aug-2005 | More Evidence That This World Is Full Of Complete Idiots1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
2. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.
3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.
4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
5. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the `us and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
6. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.
7. A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
8. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telline the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
9. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
10. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.
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| Posted by Chantise J. hunt on 14-Aug-2005 | Yet Even More Darwin AwardsA 34 yr. old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, police said. He was approximately 6' 2" and 225 lb. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to a hollow wooden section of bedpost approximately 12 inches long and 3 inches in diameter. This bedpost was inserted into his rear end for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family members "very awkward".
Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears they decided to "moon" the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of the plane and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.
A police officer in Ohio responded to a call that was made to 911. She had no details before arriving except that someone was reporting that his father was not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on the couch, naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start CPR if necessary, she noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance arrived and removed the man (who turned out to be dead on arrival at hospital), the police made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed that the man had made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the couch over they discovered what caused his death. Apparently the man had a habit of putting his penis between the cushions, down into the hole and between two electric sanders (with the sandpaper removed for obvious reasons). According to the story, after his orgasm the...ahem...discharge shorted out one of the sanders, electrocuting him to death.
(AP) LOS ANGELES - Police officials would not release the name of a Pacoima man who was found dead yesterday after responding to complaints from neighbors that a bad smell was coming from his apartment. Upon entering the apartment, officers were surprised to see that every square inch of the apartment, including appliances and even the inside of the toilet, were covered with pornographic images cut from magazines. "The visual effect was very unsettling," said Officer Hradj of the Pacoima Police. "Because everything looked the same, you could not tell where one wall ended and a doorway began." The surprises did not end there, however. Police described the man as having "concocted a wire frame around his head" upon which he had taped various pornographic images, apparently so he could freely move about his apartment without ever losing his close-up view of nude bodies. Small slits had been cut into the paper so he could find his way, but according to Hradj, "He had almost no peripheral vision. He could barely see a thing." The man was found nude with this wire frame entangled in a hanging lamp. "We think he had been dusting," said another police officer, "because a feather duster was lying nearby, and his head gear had somehow become caught in the lamp, which was chained to the ceiling." The man allegedly choked to death trying to extricate himself from his predicament. According to his apartment manager, the white male in his mid-30's never left his apartment, and had food delivered weekly. Funeral services are planned for next week. His next of kin requested that his name be withheld.
A young Inuit man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply because he had no money to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister. A 27 year-old French woman lost control over her car on a highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and killing her. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination were it not for the fact that the driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi keyring, which had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In attempting to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost her own.
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| Posted by p.l. on 14-Aug-2005 | It's a sick world out thereDon't use your cutting board-- use your toilet seat instead. After testing various household surfaces in 15 homes for bacteria, researchers from the University of Arizona told New Scientist magazine that toilet seats were much more hygienic than most kitchen surfaces... and cleaning the punchbowl is a snap...
A police officer in Dayton, Ohio has been acquitted of criminal charges after allegedly using pepper spray on Brandy Martin, a 17-year-old Wendy's restaurant worker who short-changed him at the drive-in window... we would like to commend the officer for keeping his service revolver holstered during the entire ordeal...
Janet Downes of Bellevue, Nebraska has finally decided who she wants to marry: herself. Ms. Downes has announced plans to wed herself in front of a mirror with 200 friends and relatives in attendance... what do you get for the girl who is everything?
Simon and Schuster has rejected a book proposal from Unabomber Ted Kaczinski detailing misrepresentations during his trial. The 4-page proposal was mailed to a senior editor in a "small envelope..."
Heinz Deutsch, a resident of Pattaya, Thailand was found dead of a heart attack when his wife returned home from a shopping trip. Authorities believe that the man died from over-excitement while watching World Cup soccer on television... this can't be right. I've SEEN soccer on television...
A Mount Clemens, Michigan man bet his friends that he could stay underwater and hold his breath longer than any of them. He won. Police said the man was under water for five minutes before his friends realised he wasn't playing around. Authorities said an autopsy will determine the exact cause of death... although "not breathing" has to be right up there...
The Humane Society of Arizona has offered a $10,000 reward for information on a rash of "kitten tapings" in the Phoenix area. Someone has been using duct tape to adhere several kittens to the pavement on Interstate 10...
Girl Scouts in New York State have received permission to kill about 70 Canada geese at Camp Woodhaven, after non-lethal efforts to remove the birds have failed. "It looks very bad for the Girl Scouts to be killing animals," said Esther Swanker, president of the Mohawk Girl Scout Council. "This will disturb a lot of people..." the good news: new pate-flavoured Girl Scout cookies...
A Dutch tourist in Spain was treated at a hospital for an adverse reaction to the drug Viagra. Doctors in Alicante reported that the man was suffering from "a 36-hour erection..." I can't find this category
in the Guinness Book anywhere...
Health officials in the Philippines insist you don't need Viagra, as long as you have regular blood-lettings. "Blood-letting is good for one's health," says regional health director Charito Alfonso-Awiten.
"The old cells in the body will be replaced, making the person look fresh and healthy..." you may also want to get rid of those old, tired internal organs too...
A former high school teacher in Compton, California has been convicted of filing a false police report after claiming that four students "soaked her in excrement." Subsequent forensic tests indicated
that the bulk of the human waste was "inside (her) slacks..."
Rescue workers in Delafield, Wisconsin may send Kelli Elias a $2,500.00 bill for their most recent effort. Ms. Elias got lost in the woods, officials claim, for the "seventh time in a week..."
A couple in Harwood, North Dakota were surprised Friday morning when a strange man grabbed a beer from their refrigerator and walked into their bedroom. "Hey, what's up?" asked Christopher Ramirez. Ramirez later told police he thought he was in a church... that would explain the beer...
Eight people were treated for bullet wounds after a gunfight broke out at the Alameda County Fair in Pleasanton, California this week. The San Francisco Examiner reported that the shooter and another man were fighting over the last prize at a basketball-toss game, a stuffed Tweety Bird... I tot I taw a AK-47...
Operators of a funeral home in Bradenton, Florida are in trouble over their religious beliefs. Bradenton police arrested Paula Albritton and her son, Jimmy Lee Clark, after finding a cadaver at their mortuary
with a chest cavity full of voodoo dolls...
A man at Miami International Airport jumped in an idling Florida Highway Patrol car and took off, hitting three cars before slamming into a tree. The man identified himself to police as Jesus Christ... when he
hit the tree, I distinctly heard him say "Jesus Christ..."
A Tallahassee, Florida teacher has resigned after a grand jury investigation decided he xercised "extremely poor judgement" in showing a violent horror film to his high school social studies class. Melvin Caswell says he was unaware of the controversial content of the movie, entitled "I Spit On Your Grave..."
A new Connecticut law has established a fund for people who are victims of dishonest lawyers. The Client Security Fund will cost lawyers and judges $75.00 a year... estimates are that the fund will reach 400 gazillion dollars by Friday...
Our Bozo of the Week Award goes to Howard Farmer, who allegedly robbed the Pulaski County, Arkansas bank, and was caught minutes later refuelling his getaway car at a nearby gas station...
Police in Wisconsin are investigating the shooting deaths of David Butcher and Roberta Stone, calling the crime a possible murder-suicide. Kenosha Sheriff's Sgt. John Schwarz said, "They had an on-again,
off-again relationship..." I guess it's off again...
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| Posted by Danny Mendoza T. Mendoza on 14-Aug-2005 | 2004 Darwin AwardsThe Darwin Awards are out for 2004 ...Yes these are all true. They are finally out again. It's an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it. And this year's nominees in reverse order are:
7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.
6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2 tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow tube approx. 12 long and 3 in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.
5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.
4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. The length of the cord that he assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was Major trauma.
3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.
2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. His peers had never thought of the technician suspected of causing the blasts 'bright'.
AND THE WINNER.....
1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own balls in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome was asked to leave the course.
NB: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't die. But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity, we have allowed it.
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| Posted by nobody Nowhere on 14-Aug-2005 | Great Moments in EngineeringIn an issue of Meat & Poultry magazine, editors quoted from "Feathers," the publication of the California Poultry Industry Federation, telling the following story:
The US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies. The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a `ird during flight.
It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing. They borrowed FAA's chicken launcher,loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, broke the engineer's chair and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine's cab.
The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: Use a thawed chicken.
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| Posted by Bertha Mark on 14-Aug-2005 | Actual Personal Ads"Actual" Personal Ads
* Bitter, unsuccessful middle aged loser wallowing in an unending sea of inert, drooping loneliness looking for 24 year old needy leech-like hanger-on to abuse with dull stories, tired sex and Herb Alpert albums. Baby, you are my Tijuana Taxi.
* Me -- trying to sleep on the bus station bench, pleading with you to give me a cigarette; you -- choking on my odor, tripping over your purse tryingto get away; at the last moment, our eyes meeting. Yours were blue. Can I have a dollar?
* Imp and angel. Disembodied head in jar, 24, seeks pixie goddess to fiddle with while Rome burns. You bring marshmallows. No. I make joke. You like laugh? I like comebacks and confessions. Send photo of someone else.
* Three toed mango peeler searching for wicked lesbian infielder. Like screaming and marking territory with urine? Let's make banana enchiladas together in my bathtub. You bring the salsa.
* I like eating mayonnaise and peanut butter sandwiches in the rain, watching Barney Miller reruns, peeing on birds in the park and licking strangers on the subway; you eat beets raw, have climbed Kilimanjaro, and sweat freely and often. Must wear size five shoes.
* There is a little place in the jumbled sock drawer of my heart where you match up all the pairs, throw out the ones with holes in them, and buy me some of those neat dressy ones with the weird black and red geometrical designs on them.
* Mmmm Pez! Rabid Wonder Woman fan looking for someone in satin tights, fighting for our rights and the old red, white 'n blue. You look like Linda Carter? Big plus. Know all words to theme song? Marry me.
* Remember that summer you spent with your parents in Hawaii and how mad you were that they made you go? And how you were hopelessly bored until you saw the most gorgeous man you'd ever encountered strolling down the beach looking at you, skillfully removing your skimpy bikini with his piercing eyes? And how you spent the last month imagining him taking you in every possible way, masturbating feverishly day and night, wishing he would reappear, but he never did because you were 15 and he would have gone to jail? That was me, and you just turned 18.
* Angry, simple-minded, balding, partially blind ex-circus flipper boy with a passion for covering lovers in sour cream and gravy seeks exotic, heavily tattooed piercing fanatic, preferably hairy and stinky, either sex, for whippings, bizarre sex and fashion consulting. No freaks.
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